Quote of the Day

This item demonstrates how stupid the average American is. Every ninety minutes someone in this country is hit by a train. A train, okay? Trains are on tracks; they can't come and get you. They can't surprise you when you step off a curb. You have to go to them. Got that?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?

Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

Quote of the Day

In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's kissing him on the balls.
-- Harry Caray

Quote of the Day

If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
-- Diogenes the Cynic

Quote of the Day

It was amazing, this mystic business. You tell them a lie, and then when you don't need it anymore you tell them another lie and tell them they're progressing along the road to wisdom. Then instead of laughing they follow you even more, hoping that at the heart of all the lies they'll find the truth. And bit by bit they accept the unacceptable. Amazing.
-- Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)