Quote of the Day

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
-- Terry Pratchett (Good Omens)

Quote of the Day

Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there
-- Yes

Quote of the Day

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
-- Charles Mingus

Quote of the Day

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The human mind is a dangerous plaything, boys. When it's used for evil, watch out! But when it's used for good, then things are much nicer.
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
-- Ezekiel 23:20

Quote of the Day

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
-- Paula Poundstone

Quote of the Day

Blasphemy is an epithet bestowed by superstition upon common sense.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Quote of the Day

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

We are number one! All others are number two, or lower.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
-- Doug Larson

Quote of the Day

I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. Why, we're like one of those classic, famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, purple.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

In a mad world only the mad are sane.
-- Akira Kurosawa

Quote of the Day

In Washington, only two kinds of religion are tolerated: vague beliefs strongly affirmed and strong beliefs vaguely expressed.
-- Eugene McCarthy

Quote of the Day

The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-- Mark Twain