Quote of the Day

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
-- Dr. Evil

Quote of the Day

There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Once again, your stupidity has killed us!
-- Marco Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar Diego Garcia Marquez

Quote of the Day

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. That's why I like them. If we could find a way to tax people who are bad at English, science and history I'd be a happy camper.
-- Dana Blankenhorn

Yet Another Web Log

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Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

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I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three-thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
-- Bob Uecker

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Scientology, how about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join the master race. How's that for a religion?
-- Frank Zappa

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Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
-- Homer J. Simpson

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Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein

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It has become almost a cliche to remark that nobody boasts of ignorance of literature, but it is socially acceptable to boast ignorance of science.
-- Richard Dawkins

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There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
-- Jack Handey

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Hot on the heels of its magnanimous pardoning of Galileo, the Vatican has now moved with even more lightning speed to recognise the truth of Darwinism.
-- Richard Dawkins

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Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
-- George Carlin

B.C.

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If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.
-- I. F. Stone

Office Slang

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, '404 Not Found,' which means the document requested couldn't be located. 'Don't bother asking John. He's 404.'

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. 'I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek.'

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in 'she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling'

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in 'Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market'

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. 'Damn, I just blew my buffer!' (Synonym: 'Head Crash')

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. 'After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.'

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. 'I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?' Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. 'I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip jewelry.'

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. 'First we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.'

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. 'Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.'

Cobweb - A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. 'I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!'

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. 'Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.'

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. 'I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.'

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in '1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year'

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in 'we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was'

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. 'Didn't he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?'

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). 'That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.'

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It's a Feature - From the old adage, 'It's not a bug, it's a feature.' Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also 'carbon community' 'facetime' 'F2F' 'RL'

Mouse Potato - The online generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you've just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. 'My cellular phone just perot'ed.'

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't require training. 'That new guy is totally plug-and-play.'

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.

Ribs 'N' Dick - A budget with no fat as in 'we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades'

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. 'God, today was a total salmon day!'

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also 'Hollywired'

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 'Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage'

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. 'Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?'

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. 'There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.'

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, 'this is Dale, my...um...friend.'

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. 'Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.'

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

Imaginary Friend

Woman is Changeable

...or something like that.

Quote of the Day

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
-- Jack Handey

Another Flow Chart

Quote of the Day

Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman

Problem Solving Flowsheet

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That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

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I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

To be a persecuted genius, you not only have to be persecuted, you also have to be right.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Quote of the Day

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
-- Robert X. Cringeley

Quote of the Day

Science offers us an explanation of how complexity (the difficult) arose out of simplicity (the easy). The hypothesis of God offers no worthwhile explanation for anything, for it simply postulates what we are trying to explain.
-- Richard Dawkins

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I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George Bush went to Yale. The End.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
-- The Sphinx