Quote of the Day

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The study of theology, as it stands in Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authorities; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and it admits of no conclusion.
-- Thomas Paine (The Age of Reason, 1794)

Quote of the Day

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson

Quote of the Day

Bender's a genius!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Jazz is not dead...it just smells funny.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.
-- Siddhartha Gautama

Quote of the Day

Ah, there's nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

The road to this paradise was not as comfortable and alluring as the road to the religious paradise; but it has shown itself reliable, and I have never regretted having chosen it.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts at rational thinking. Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable. Since the earliest days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. It was, for centuries, an apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling

Quote of the Day

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth!
-- Henry David Thoreau

Quote of the Day

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Quote of the Day

Equations are the devil's sentences.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Cruelty free? Free-range? This one tastes like it died screaming.
-- Anthony Bourdain

Quote of the Day

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
-- H.G. Wells