Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Quote of the Day
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Quote of the Day
Oh sweet information superhighway, what bring you me from the depths of cyberspace?
-- Crow T. Robot
Monday, December 28, 2009
Quote of the Day
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Quote of the Day
Cruelty free? Free-range? This one tastes like it died screaming.
-- Anthony Bourdain
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
"Cats," he said eventually. "Cats are nice."
-- Terry Pratchett (Sourcery)
Friday, December 25, 2009
Quote of the Day
Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
-- Jodene Sparks
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Quote of the Day
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-- Gore Vidal
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Quote of the Day
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
-- Emo Philips
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Quote of the Day
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling
Friday, December 18, 2009
Quote of the Day
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Quote of the Day
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.
-- Mel Brooks
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Quote of the Day
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Quote of the Day
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, December 14, 2009
Quote of the Day
It was a sin to want to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to be felt up. It was a sin to try to feel up Ellen, and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins involved in one feel, man!
-- George Carlin
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Quote of the Day
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
-- Emo Philips
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Week in Review
Friday, December 11, 2009
Quote of the Day
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint.
As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable.
The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man Month)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Quote of the Day
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
-- Douglas Adams
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Quote of the Day
A vital difference between the professional man and a man of business is that money making to the professional man should, by virtue of his assumption, be incidental; to the business man it is primary. Money has its limitations; while it may buy quantity, there is something beyond it and that is quality.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Quote of the Day
Do not worry about your problems in mathematics. I assure you, my problems with mathematics are much greater than yours.
-- Albert Einstein
Monday, December 07, 2009
Quote of the Day
People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Quote of the Day
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.
-- Isaac Asimov
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Quote of the Day
I don't know what you could say about a day in which you have seen four beautiful sunsets.
-- John Glenn
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Quote of the Day
I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.
-- Number 6
Monday, November 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.
-- The Shoveler
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Quote of the Day
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
-- Joseph Heller (God Knows)
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Quote of the Day
Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
-- Douglas Adams
Friday, November 27, 2009
Quote of the Day
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
-- William S. Burroughs
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Quote of the Day
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
I believe the Republicans have never thought that democracy was anything but a tribal myth.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
Monday, November 23, 2009
Quote of the Day
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Quote of the Day
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
-- Stephen Wright
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Quote of the Day
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Quote of the Day
The priests used to say that faith can move mountains, and nobody believed them. Today the scientists say that they can level mountains, and nobody doubts them.
-- Joseph Campbell
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Quote of the Day
We don't know who they are or where they come from, but we do know that they stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, I heard they said you guys look like dorks.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Quote of the Day
Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.
-- Terry Pratchett (The Last Continent)
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Quote of the Day
I would recommend that skeptics devote even more effort than they do now to understanding the reasons why so many people want or need to believe.
-- Murray Gell-Mann
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Quote of the Day
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Quote of the Day
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Quote of the Day
Hollywood is a gold-plated suburb suitable for golfers, gardeners, assorted middlemen, and contented movies stars. I am none of these things.
-- Orson Welles
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Quote of the Day
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
-- Groucho Marx
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Week in Review
Friday, November 06, 2009
Quote of the Day
It's hard to have a righteous opinion on the environment when you're as selfish and uninformed as I am. On one hand, I'm a cat-loving vegetarian who ought to care deeply about the caribou or koala bears or bats or whatever they have in Alaska. On the other hand, I live in California so I'd be willing to squeeze school children to death if I thought some oil would come out.
-- Scott Adams
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Quote of the Day
If you see a whole thing - it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives.... But close up a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Quote of the Day
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
-- Groucho Marx
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Quote of the Day
I can hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother and almost all my best friends, will be everlastingly punished. And this is a damnable doctrine.
-- Charles Darwin
Monday, November 02, 2009
Quote of the Day
Stupid men are often capable of things the clever would not dare to contemplate...
-- Terry Pratchett (Feet of Clay)
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Quote of the Day
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Week in Review
Friday, October 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Quote of the Day
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Quote of the Day
As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
-- Austin Powers
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Quote of the Day
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-- H.L. Mencken
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross.
-- Sinclair Lewis
Friday, October 23, 2009
Quote of the Day
Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.
-- Thomas Paine
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Quote of the Day
The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas Troney wh o was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
-- Harvard Lampoon, Bored of the Rings
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Quote of the Day
A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation.
-- Bertrand Russell
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Quote of the Day
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, October 19, 2009
Quote of the Day
It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Quote of the Day
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Week in Review
Friday, October 16, 2009
Quote of the Day
I don't own a computer, or a modem, or anything like that; I still work on a manual typewriter, by choice, and to those who consider me a Luddite I say: Fuck you and yo mama. I operate at the level of technology that best suits my needs. And I type at 120 words per minute --two fingers --I make no mistakes, and my manuscripts are real. You can pick them up and hold them. My typewriter doesn't dump it's memory --I don't lose a book.
-- Harlan Ellison
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Quote of the Day
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Quote of the Day
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
Monday, October 12, 2009
Quote of the Day
For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.
-- Richard P. Feynman
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Quote of the Day
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
-- Jack Handey
Friday, October 09, 2009
Quote of the Day
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Quote of the Day
You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Quote of the Day
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Rich Kulawiec
Monday, October 05, 2009
Quote of the Day
The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Quote of the Day
Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
Saturday, October 03, 2009
Quote of the Day
Oh my God. This is just like that drug trip I saw in that movie while I was on that drug trip.
-- Philip J. Fry
Friday, October 02, 2009
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Quote of the Day
It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Quote of the Day
The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
-- Bertrand Russell
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
-- Dave Barry
Friday, September 25, 2009
Quote of the Day
The man who worships a tyrant in heaven naturally submits his neck to the yoke of tyrants on earth.
-- George W. Foote, Flowers of Freethought
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Quote of the Day
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Quote of the Day
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, September 21, 2009
Quote of the Day
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
-- Bill Hicks
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Quote of the Day
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
-- Jack Handey
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Quote of the Day
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-- Dave Barry
Friday, September 18, 2009
Quote of the Day
Thanks to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings, either a liberal or a conservative.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Quote of the Day
Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
-- Bender Unit 22
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Quote of the Day
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.
-- Dave Barry
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Quote of the Day
Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
-- Neil Pye
Monday, September 14, 2009
Quote of the Day
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
-- Emo Philips
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Quote of the Day
In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.
--Bertrand Russell
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Quote of the Day
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
Friday, September 11, 2009
Quote of the Day
Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.
-- Bender Unit 22
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Quote of the Day
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power is derived by a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
-- Monty Python
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Quote of the Day
Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
Everyone is looking for the answer,
Well look again.
-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Quote of the Day
That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan
Monday, September 07, 2009
Quote of the Day
It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Wavy Gravy at all! And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Quote of the Day
It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I'm wrong. The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right... Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?
-- Frank Zappa
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Quote of the Day
The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.
-- H.L. Mencken
Week in Review
Friday, September 04, 2009
Quote of the Day
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
-- Bertrand Russell
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Quote of the Day
Jazz is a mental attitude rather than a style. It uses a certain process of the mind expressed spontaneously through some musical instrument. I'm concerned with retaining that process.
-- Bill Evans
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Quote of the Day
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
-- Emo Philips
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Quote of the Day
It was the greatest night of my life. I'd been invited to the Captain's Table. I'd only been with the company fourteen years. Six officers and me! They called me "Arnold." We had gazpacho soup for starters. I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and I told him to take it away and bring it back hot. He did. The looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time, they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup. I never ate at the Captain's Table again. That was the end of my career.
-- Arnold Judas Rimmer
Monday, August 31, 2009
Quote of the Day
Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I'm concerned -- I support your right to enjoy it. However, I would appreciate it if you exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to share your dogma, rapture or necrodestination.
-- Frank Zappa
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Quote of the Day
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Friday, August 28, 2009
Quote of the Day
The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves and wiser people so full of doubts.
-- Bertrand Russell
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Quote of the Day
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
-- Flannery O'Connor
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Quote of the Day
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, August 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense, differing from the latter only as a veteran may differ from a raw recruit: and its methods differ from those of common sense only as far as the guardsman's cut and thrust differ from the manner in which a savage wields his club.
-- Thomas H. Huxley
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Quote of the Day
Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?
-- Homer J. Simpson
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Quote of the Day
Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
Friday, August 21, 2009
Quote of the Day
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings.
The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Quote of the Day
Some people crave baseball -- I find this unfathomable -- but I can easily understand why a person could get excited about playing a bassoon.
-- Frank Zappa
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Quote of the Day
This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!
-- Homer J. Simpson
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Quote of the Day
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse.
-- Isaac Asimov
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Quote of the Day
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Quote of the Day
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry
Friday, August 14, 2009
Quote of the Day
My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Quote of the Day
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- Carl Sagan
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Quote of the Day
Don't give me any of that Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.
-- Dave Lister
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Quote of the Day
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
-- Jack Handey
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Quote of the Day
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
-- Doug Larson
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Friday, August 07, 2009
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Quote of the Day
Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find that we have very little in common.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Quote of the Day
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-- Harlan Ellison
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Monday, August 03, 2009
Quote of the Day
When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Quote of the Day
I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.
-- Stephen Wright
Friday, July 31, 2009
Quote of the Day
It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I'm best.
-- Edmund, Lord Blackadder (Blackadder II)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
Criminals are never very amusing. It's because they're failures. Those who make real money aren't counted as criminals. This is a class distinction, not an ethical problem.
-- Orson Welles
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Quote of the Day
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
-- William S. Burroughs
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Quote of the Day
It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.
-- H.L. Mencken
Monday, July 27, 2009
Quote of the Day
In the year 415, the woman scientist Hypatia, head of the legendary Alexandria library, was beaten to death by Christian monks who considered her a pagan. The leader of the monks, Cyril, was canonized a saint
-- James A. Haught (Free Inquiry, Winter 1996/1997)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-- Mark Twain
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Quote of the Day
Mr. Bush is the latest in a string of Republican "Photo-Presidents." Mr. Nixon was the last guy clearly in command, and his people dutifully followed him off the Watergate cliff, like grateful lemmings in grey suits. Mr. Ford, Mr. Reagan, Bushes 41 and 43 clearly are just front men, and all have been fully "staffed," which is wonkspeak for "committee leadership." Imagine ten shady characters actually calling the shots backstage. They have the combined net worth of South America, and the combined IQ of Dan Quayle.
-- B. Rehak
Friday, July 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.
-- Sir Thomas Beecham
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Quote of the Day
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Quote of the Day
I can't believe Liberace was gay! Women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.
-- Austin Powers
Monday, July 20, 2009
Quote of the Day
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Quote of the Day
Many a long dispute among divines may be thus abridged: It is so; It is not so. It is so; it is not so.
-- Benjamin Franklin (Poor Richard's Almanack, 1743)
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Quote of the Day
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Quote of the Day
I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Quote of the Day
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, July 13, 2009
Quote of the Day
Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next?
-- Richard P. Feynman
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Quote of the Day
I have something to say about the difference between American and European cities. But I've forgotten what it is. I have it written down at home somewhere.
-- David Byrne (True Stories)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Quote of the Day
I would recommend that skeptics devote even more effort than they do now to understanding the reasons why so many people want or need to believe.
-- Murray Gell-Mann
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Quote of the Day
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Quote of the Day
... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts.
-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Quote of the Day
It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.
-- Archie Bunker
Monday, July 06, 2009
Quote of the Day
This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Quote of the Day
And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit!
-- The Tick
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Quote of the Day
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
-- Jack Handey
Week in Review
Friday, July 03, 2009
Quote of the Day
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Quote of the Day
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
-- David Letterman
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Quote of the Day
We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!
-- Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-- Gore Vidal
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Quote of the Day
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
-- Groucho Marx
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Quote of the Day
...I don't think music turns people into social liabilities. Because you hear a lyric -- there's no medical proof that a person hearing a lyric is going to act out the lyric. There's also no medical proof that if you hear any collection of vowels and consonants, that the hearing of that collection is going to send you to Hell.
-- Frank Zappa
Week in Review
Friday, June 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
It's tough to have sex during marriage because you're always walking that tight rope between "this again?" and "where did you learn that?"
-- Emo Philips
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Quote of the Day
I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
-- Isaac Asimov
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Quote of the Day
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
Monday, June 22, 2009
Quote of the Day
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Quote of the Day
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
-- Jack Handey
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Quote of the Day
Are you correcting me? Don't correct me! I'm a Pantera's box you do NOT want to open!
-- Mr. Furious
Week in Review
Friday, June 19, 2009
Quote of the Day
If the fans don't wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop 'em.
-- Yogi Berra
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Quote of the Day
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Quote of the Day
The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
-- Frank Zappa
Monday, June 15, 2009
Quote of the Day
I don't own a computer, or a modem, or anything like that; I still work on a manual typewriter, by choice, and to those who consider me a Luddite I say: Fuck you and yo mama. I operate at the level of technology that best suits my needs. And I type at 120 words per minute --two fingers --I make no mistakes, and my manuscripts are real. You can pick them up and hold them. My typewriter doesn't dump it's memory --I don't lose a book.
-- Harlan Ellison
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Quote of the Day
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
-- Homer J. Simpson
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Quote of the Day
If you ever require a picture of resentful apathy, check out any background munchkin in the Wizard of Oz. Also, I think it's shameful to try to pin the collapse of the lollipop industry on the lollipop guild.
-- John Hodgman (via twitter)
Week in Review
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Quote of the Day
One does not need to puzzle long over why religionists hate atheists so venomously. Atheist stir up the suppressed doubts of believers to the point of producing anguish. This is the anguish that incited believers to burn heretics and atheists at the stake in olden times to remove the source of the unsettling, disturbing doubts that plagued the believers.
-- C. W. Dalton, The Right Brain and Religion
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Quote of the Day
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.
-- Clarence Darrow
Monday, June 08, 2009
Quote of the Day
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
-- William S. Burroughs
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Quote of the Day
Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny!
-- Bender Unit 22
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Quote of the Day
The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
-- Dave Barry
Week in Review
Friday, June 05, 2009
Quote of the Day
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Quote of the Day
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Quote of the Day
The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos.
-- Stephen Jay Gould
Monday, June 01, 2009
Quote of the Day
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Quote of the Day
Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you.
-- David St. Hubbins
Week in Review
Friday, May 29, 2009
Quote of the Day
Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.
-- Boomhauer
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Quote of the Day
echo $package has manual pages available in source form.
echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you."
-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Quote of the Day
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Quote of the Day
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Week in Review
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