Quote of the Day

Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
-- John Cleese

Quote of the Day

It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
-- David St. Hubbins

Quote of the Day

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

In West Virginia I never stop for gas, because I'm afraid I'll be caught and made someone's mountain wife. And then I'll probably grow to like the guy and end up with ten scrawny, filthy kids named Shane who always ask, "Momma, how come you don't talk like us?"
-- Kathleen Madigan

Quote of the Day

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
-- Lenny Bruce

Quote of the Day

The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought '42 will do' I typed it out. End of story.
-- Douglas Adams (on why "42" is The Answer...)

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Friends: one to three is sufficient.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
-- William Gibson

Quote of the Day

I was in ROTC in college. One day the commander came up to me and said, "Emo, I haven't seen you in camouflage class in six weeks." I replied, "I'm getting good, aren't I?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done too many things wrong. It was never like this for Mencken. He lived like a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker than Judas on others. It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City" (Generation of Swine)

Quote of the Day

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

In the begining there was nothing, and it exploded.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

Talent is cheap, and many talents treat themselves cheaply.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
-- Will Rogers

Quote of the Day

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
-- James T. Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8

Quote of the Day

Barry, there is no hell. There is only France.
-- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"

Quote of the Day

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".
-- Terry Pratchett (The Colour of Magic)

Quote of the Day

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

Instant gratification takes too long.
-- Carrie Fisher

Quote of the Day

What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"
-- Terry Pratchett (Pyramids)

Quote of the Day

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.
-- Martin Mull

Quote of the Day

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Quote of the Day

Indoor electric illumination is often referred to as "artificial light." How can it be artificial? The way I look at it is this: If I can read by it, see myself in the mirror, and recognize my friends, it's probably as real as I'm ever going to need it to be.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles' heel, if you will.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Percy, Duke of Northumberland: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Prince Edmund, the Black Adder: Mm! ... What?
Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.
Edmund: And what's that, exactly?
Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes [points dramatically] from Galveston.
Edmund: I see. And what about it?
Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?
Percy: [nods] No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.
Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?
Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord.
Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.
Percy: No, My Lord.
Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Percy: [finally begins to grasp] Yes, My Lord.
Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole in the head...
-- Prince Edmund, the Black Adder and Percy, Duke of Northumberland (The Black Adder)

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, purple.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
-- Robert Heinlein

Quote of the Day

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be the homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We owe it to ourselves as respectable human beings, as thinking human beings, to do what we can to make humanity more rational...Humanists recognize that it is only when people feel free to think for themselves, using reason as their guide, that they are best capable of developing values that succeed in satisfying human needs and serving human interests.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George Bush went to Yale. The End.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

We are number one! All others are number two, or lower.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
-- Terry Pratchett (Good Omens)

Quote of the Day

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

Unix is hard to learn. The process of learning it is one of multiple small epiphanies. Typically you are just on the verge of inventing some necessary tool or utility when you realize that someone else has already invented it, and built it in, and this explains some odd file or directory or command that you have noticed but never really understood before.
-- Neal Stephenson

Quote of the Day

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.
-- Mick Shrimpton

Quote of the Day

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Why don't you listen to something really classical like Mozart, Mendelsohn or Motorhead?
-- Arnold Judas Rimmer

Quote of the Day

It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
-- Dr. Evil

Quote of the Day

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

We tune bacause we care.
-- Stan Ridgway (Tuff Sheds and Carrot Cake)

Quote of the Day

Diamonds on velvets on goldens on vixen
On comet & cupid on donner & blitzen
On up & away & afar & a go-go
Escape from the weight of your corporate logo!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-- Henny Youngman

Quote of the Day

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds!
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
-- Joe Theismann

Quote of the Day

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
-- Theodore Seuss Geisel

Quote of the Day

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
-- Robert Orben

Quote of the Day

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

Perhaps if you know you are insane then you are not insane.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
-- Italian proverb

Quote of the Day

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
-- David Brin

Quote of the Day

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter Thompson

Quote of the Day

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

I wonder what the Shroud Of Turin tastes like.
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

We are Sex Bob-omb. We are here to sell out and make money and stuff.
-- Kim Pine

Quote of the Day

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Blasphemy is an epithet bestowed by superstition upon common sense.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Quote of the Day

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Someday, I want to go to a site that proclaims a miracle and see a real miracle, like a pie miraculously floating above my keyboard, or a MySpace page that doesn't look like technicolor vomit.
-- PZ Myers

Quote of the Day

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Quote of the Day

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The future ain't what it used to be.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The priests used to say that faith can move mountains, and nobody believed them. Today the scientists say that they can level mountains, and nobody doubts them.
-- Joseph Campbell

Quote of the Day

You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century, and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practise.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

Quote of the Day

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox

Quote of the Day

Brought to you by the Booze Council - because Booze really satisfies.
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.
-- Sir Richard F. Burton

Quote of the Day

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You must've torn out the "Q" section in my dictionary, because I don't know the meaning of the word "quit"!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

What's another word for thesaurus?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
-- Steven Wright

Quote of the Day

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it.
-- Jacob Bronowski

Quote of the Day

Adventure is just bad planning.
-- Roald Amundsen

Quote of the Day

Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I went home with a waitress,
The way I always do.
How I was I to know?
She was with the Russians too.

I was gambling in Havana,
I took a little risk.
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
Dad, get me out of this.
-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"

Quote of the Day

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
-- Terry Pratchett (Equal Rites)

Quote of the Day

We're not your classic heros. We're the other guys.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

In my land, women are for advancing the race, not for fighting man's battles.
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!
-- Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan

Quote of the Day

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Only fools are positive.
-- Moe Howard

Quote of the Day

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
-- Anatole France

Quote of the Day

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed; they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Orthodoxy means not thinking - not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

I think I might wear my MC Hammer trousers today. They enable me to move sideways at alarming speeds and provide commodious ball comfort.
-- Simon Pegg (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an 'inconvenience.' We have opted instead for an authoritarian system disguised as a Democracy. We pay through the nose for an enormous joke-of-a-government, let it push us around, and then wonder how all those assholes got in there.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

[The pamphlet] was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.
-- Terry Pratchett (Monstrous Regiment)

Quote of the Day

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.
-- John Cage

Quote of the Day

Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Trying is the first step toward failure.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues.
-- Honore de Balzac

Quote of the Day

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I regard monotheism as the greatest disaster ever to befall the human race. I see no good in Judaism, Christianity, or Islam -- good people, yes, but any religion based on a single, well, frenzied and virulent god, is not as useful to the human race as, say, Confucianism, which is not a religion but an ethical and educational system.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote of the Day

When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

One of the great attractions of patriotism - it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

It was a sin to want to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to be felt up. It was a sin to try to feel up Ellen, and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins involved in one feel, man!
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
-- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum

Quote of the Day

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen

Quote of the Day

It looks just like a Telefunken U-47!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

In a mad world only the mad are sane.
-- Akira Kurosawa

Quote of the Day

Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
-- Nelson Muntz

Quote of the Day

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
-- Steven Wright

Quote of the Day

Forget your stupid theme park! I'm gonna make my own! With hookers! And blackjack! In fact, forget the theme park!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards.
-- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.

Quote of the Day

The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

... of course, this probably only happens for tcsh which uses wait4(), which is why I never saw it. Serves people who use that abomination right 8^)
-- Linus Torvalds, about a patch that fixes getrusage for 1.3.26

Quote of the Day

Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
-- Max Bialystock

Quote of the Day

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
-- Wanda Gershwitz (A Fish Called Wanda)

Quote of the Day

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman

Quote of the Day

Then you have to say one or other of two things. Either God only speaks to a very small percentage of mankind--which happens to include yourself--or He deliberately says things are not true in talking to the consciences of savages.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

I hope I didn't brain my damage.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

No! No! NO! We're not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody bloody bloody! I hate it! It's so bloody nice! Felicity "Treacle" Kendall and Richard "Sugar-Flavored-Snot" Briars! What do they do now? Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-- William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)

Quote of the Day

We got somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 states. We could lose a few. I mean, do we really need two Dakotas? And NEW Hampshire? I'm sure the old one's fine.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Cannibals prefer those who have no spines.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Quote of the Day

You can tell Buddha was never married. Otherwise his wife would have always been saying, "What are you gonna do, sit around like that all day?"
-- Garry Shandling

Quote of the Day

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
-- Jodene Sparks

Quote of the Day

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray

Quote of the Day

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

There's nothing wrong with murder, just as long as you let Bender whet his beak.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

This is like deja vu all over again.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
-- Brodie Bruce

Quote of the Day

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
-- Captain Ahab (Moby Dick)

Quote of the Day

If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.
-- I. F. Stone

Quote of the Day

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

O! Wanderers in the shadowed land
despair not! For though dark they stand,
all woods there be must end at last,
and see the open sun go past:
the setting sun, the rising sun,
the day's end, or the day begun.
For east or west all woods must fail ...
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

...I don't think music turns people into social liabilities. Because you hear a lyric -- there's no medical proof that a person hearing a lyric is going to act out the lyric. There's also no medical proof that if you hear any collection of vowels and consonants, that the hearing of that collection is going to send you to Hell.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.

Quote of the Day

Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we have tolerated the last eight years?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".
-- Terry Pratchett (The Colour of Magic)

Quote of the Day

I woke up this morning with a bloody nose. I thought, "how did this get into bed with me?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.
-- Arab proverb

Quote of the Day

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Quote of the Day

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a "2" in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, "I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!" Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
-- Gotama Buddha

Quote of the Day

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Quote of the Day

God made food; the devil the cooks.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings.

The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.

Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?

Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983

Quote of the Day

There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
-- Homer

Quote of the Day

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.
-- Clarence Darrow

Quote of the Day

What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
-- The Doctor

Quote of the Day

You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish... and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little Electric Chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
-- Lenny Bruce

Quote of the Day

I don't own a computer, or a modem, or anything like that; I still work on a manual typewriter, by choice, and to those who consider me a Luddite I say: Fuck you and yo mama. I operate at the level of technology that best suits my needs. And I type at 120 words per minute --two fingers --I make no mistakes, and my manuscripts are real. You can pick them up and hold them. My typewriter doesn't dump it's memory --I don't lose a book.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well.
-- Joel Moses, Algorithms and Complexity, ed. J.F. Traub

Quote of the Day

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote of the Day

The universe may have a purpose, but nothing we know suggests that, if so, this purpose has any similarity to ours.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.
-- Martin Mull

Quote of the Day

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.
-- Thomas Paine

Quote of the Day

An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint.

As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.

This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable.

The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big p ile."
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man Month)

Quote of the Day

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote of the Day

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder

Quote of the Day

What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"
-- Terry Pratchett (Pyramids)

Quote of the Day

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
-- Seth MacFarlane

Quote of the Day

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Barry, there is no hell. There is only France.
-- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"

Quote of the Day

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Why do people keep insisting that I join the twenty-first century? I live in the twenty-first century! I just don't want to be bothered by the shitheads on the internet!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

At the present rate of progress, it is almost impossible to imagine any technical feat that cannot be achieved - if it can be achieved at all - within the next few hundred years.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Hooray, I'm useful!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done too many things wrong. It was never like this for Mencken. He lived like a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker than Judas on others. It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City" (Generation of Swine)

Quote of the Day

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If you don't live it, It won't come out of your horn.
-- Charlie Parker

Quote of the Day

Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake

Quote of the Day

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Isn't pomo really one big cover-up for for the failure of the French to write a truly interesting novel ever since a sports car ate Albert Camus?
-- John Leonard

Quote of the Day

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures," use an atlas or a ham radio.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle Moose

Quote of the Day

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja

Quote of the Day

... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts.
-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"

Quote of the Day

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Science Fiction writers, I am sorry to say, really do not know anything. We can't talk about science because our knowledge of it is limited and unofficial, and usually our fiction is dreadful.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

Honor: if you need it defined, you don't have it.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Less is only more where more is no good.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.
-- Mel Brooks

Quote of the Day

Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt.
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
-- Demetri Martin

Quote of the Day

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all; it's fear.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

The forceps of our minds are clumsy forceps, and crush the truth a little in taking hold of it.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

Quote of the Day

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

He who hasn't hacked assembly language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain.
-- John Moore

Quote of the Day

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

A master drummer must have seven eyes.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

Instant gratification takes too long.
-- Carrie Fisher

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My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
-- Ron Swanson

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Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey

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First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
-- Honore de Balzac

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He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck.
-- Frank Zappa

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You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

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Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
-- Jack Handey

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Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
-- Jack Handey

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Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
-- Erma Bombeck

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You had me at meat tornado.
-- Ron Swanson

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The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

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Strippers do nothing for me... but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
-- Ron Swanson

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It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
-- David Brin

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-- Henny Youngman

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Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
-- Blaise Pascal

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The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
-- William Gibson

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Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer J. Simpson

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The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.
-- H.L. Mencken

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I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!
-- Max Bialystock

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When people learn no tools of judgment and merely follow their hopes, the seeds of political manipulation are sown.
-- Stephen Jay Gould

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The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.
-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)

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I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.
-- Homer J. Simpson

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A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
-- Jack Handey

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I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
-- Homer J. Simpson

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"Whoopee" was such a beautiful word and then Bob Eubanks had to go and cheapen it.
-- James Urbaniak (via Twitter)

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Every now and then, when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
-- Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

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Now, don't you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I'll be locked up safely in there.
-- Paula Trent (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

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In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams

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An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
-- David Letterman

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If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey

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Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

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A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
-- James Joyce (Ulysses)

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Bad facts make bad laws.
-- Frank Zappa

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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- Stephen Wright

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Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- Donald E. Knuth

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In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-- Mark Twain

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I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

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It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
-- Neil Gaiman

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Why isn't there a name for the meal between breakfast and brunch?
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

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Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
-- Gore Vidal

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You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein

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I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
-- Homer J. Simpson

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The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
-- St. Augustine

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It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an airport' appear.
-- Douglas Adams

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Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
-- Alfred E. Newman

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I've always said there's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not.
-- Monty Python

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Nobody looks good with brown lipstick on.
-- Frank Zappa