Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Quote of the Day

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Quote of the Day

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain

Monday, March 29, 2010

Quote of the Day

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
-- Jack Handey

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Quote of the Day

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan

Friday, March 26, 2010

Quote of the Day

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
-- Jack Handey

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Quote of the Day

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Quote of the Day

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Quote of the Day

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
-- Jack Handey

Monday, March 22, 2010

Quote of the Day

Supermodels usually don't date guys who live in the dirt.
-- The Tick

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Quote of the Day

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Friday, March 19, 2010

Quote of the Day

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
-- Orson Welles

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Quote of the Day

It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
-- David St. Hubbins

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Quote of the Day

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Quote of the Day

A one sentence definition of mythology?
"Mythology" is what we call someone else's religion.

-- Joseph Campbell

Monday, March 15, 2010

Quote of the Day

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- Carl Sagan

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Quote of the Day

You've got a Methodist Coloring Book
And you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
Or God will send you to hell

-- Dead Milkmen, "Methodist Coloring Book"

Friday, March 12, 2010

Quote of the Day

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
-- Jack Handey

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Quote of the Day

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Quote of the Day

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
-- Bob Newhart

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Quote of the Day

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Monday, March 08, 2010

Quote of the Day

Dear Mr. President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
-- Abraham Simpson

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Quote of the Day

To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
-- Isaac Asimov

Friday, March 05, 2010

Quote of the Day

"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."

-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Quote of the Day

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
-- Frank Zappa

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Quote of the Day

Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense, differing from the latter only as a veteran may differ from a raw recruit: and its methods differ from those of common sense only as far as the guardsman's cut and thrust differ from the manner in which a savage wields his club.
-- Thomas H. Huxley

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Quote of the Day

Equations are the devil's sentences.
-- Stephen Colbert

Monday, March 01, 2010

Quote of the Day

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson