Quote of the Day

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Adventure is just bad planning.
-- Roald Amundsen

Quote of the Day

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

What are all of us but self-reproducing robots? We have been put together by our genes and what we do is roam the world looking for a way to sustain ourselves and ultimately produce another robot child.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
-- Seth MacFarlane

Quote of the Day

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare

Quote of the Day

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

In the begining there was nothing, and it exploded.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock

Quote of the Day

In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.
-- Siddhartha Gautama

Quote of the Day

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You can live in your dreams, but only if you are worthy of them.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Group selection of any kind is not Darwinism as Darwin understood it nor as I understand it.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Dear Mr. President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
-- Abraham Simpson

Quote of the Day

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!
-- Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush

Quote of the Day

The concept of the rock-guitar solo in the eightees has pretty much been reduced to: Weedly-weedly-wee, make a face, hold your guitar like it's your weenie, point it heavenward, and look like you're really doing something. Then, you geta big ovation while the the smoke bombs go off, and the motorized lights in your truss twirl around.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The night of December 25, to which date the Nativity of Christ was ultimately assigned, was exactly that of the birth of the Persian savior Mithra, who, as an incarnation of eternal light, was born the night of the winter solstice (then dated December 25) at midnight, the instant of the turn of the year from increasing darkness to light.
-- Joseph Campbell (The Mythic Image)