Quote of the Day

You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
-- Squidward Tentacles

Quote of the Day

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
-- Matt Groening (Love is Hell)

Quote of the Day

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

The trinitarian believes a virgin to be the mother of a son who is her maker.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

Quote of the Day

A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.
-- Terry Pratchett (Men at Arms)

Quote of the Day

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The big thieves hang the little ones.
-- Czech Proverb

Quote of the Day

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

You never see animals going through the absurd and often horrible fooleries of magic and religion.... Only man behaves with such gratuitous folly. It is the price he has to pay for being intelligent but not, as yet, quite intelligent enough.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
-- Eddie Izzard

Quote of the Day

Child labor laws are ruining this country.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

So once again, we find that evil of the past seeps into the present like salad dressing through cheap wax paper, mixing memory and desire.
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Perhaps it is a peculiarity of mine that despite the fact that I am a professional performer, it is true that I have always preferred playing without an audience.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
-- Sandra Boynton

Quote of the Day

The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.
-- I. F. Stone

Quote of the Day

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

The actual tragedies of life bear no relation to one's preconceived ideas. In the event, one is always bewildered by their simplicity, their grandeur of design, and by that element of the bizzare which seems inherent in them.
-- Jean Cocteau

Quote of the Day

When I was a child, the other children in my neighborhood would taunt me, calling me "noodle-head" or "neo-Calvinist" So I would run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap tight and pull me back.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Cultivating a manly musk puts opponents on notice.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Religion supports nobody. It has to be supported. It produces no wheat, no corn; it ploughs no land; it fells no forests. It is a perpetual mendicant. It lives on the labors of others, and then has the arrogance to pretend that it supports the giver.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Quote of the Day

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
-- Joseph Heller (God Knows)

Quote of the Day

I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

It is amazing that when someone else spouts the nonsense you yourself believe you can readily perceive it as nonsense.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)

Quote of the Day

Want me to smack the corpse around a little?
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

No one has an idea really of where we should draw the line. What about the Bible? Every nut who kills people has a Bible lying around. If you're looking for violent rape imagery, the Bible's right there in your hotel room. If you just want to look up ways to screw people up, there it is, and you're justified because God told you to. You have Shakespeare and you have Sophocles--what are we going to do, lose Oedipus Rex if someone pokes an eye out?
-- Penn Jillette, from Reason magazine, on censorship of violent TV shows

Quote of the Day

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Pinky, you've left the lens cap of your mind on again.
-- The Brain

Quote of the Day

The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Alexander Pope

Quote of the Day

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.
-- Number 6

Quote of the Day

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
-- Paul Dirac

Quote of the Day

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

It could not be happening because this sort of thing did not happen. Any contradictory evidence could be safely ignored.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

Quote of the Day

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Oh Lord, please don't burn us
Don't grill or toast your flock
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok
Oh please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat
And please don't stick thy servants Lord
In a Rotiss-o-mat.
-- Chaplain (Monty Python's The Meaning of Life)

Quote of the Day

"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Quote of the Day

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

I was in the basement, playing my favorite game, 'Murder In The Dark.'
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

True ornament is not a matter of prettifying externals. It is organic with the structure it adorns, whether a person, a building, or a park. At its best it is an emphasis of structure, a realization in graceful terms of the nature of that which is ornamented.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

Big Bang Theory is FAKE SCIENCE. I'm told Sheldon doesn't actually have a PhD and his real name is Jim. Bad (or sick) guy!
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

It is not easy to see how the more extreme forms of nationalism can long survive when men have seen the Earth in its true perspective as a single small globe against the stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

What's in a name? That is what we ask ourselves in childhood when we write the name that we are told is ours.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Wait a minute. I'm a guy like me!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint.

As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.

This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable.

The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big p ile."
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man Month)

Quote of the Day

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

A cult is a religion with no political power.
-- Tom Wolfe

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"

Quote of the Day

Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe.
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac

Quote of the Day

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything.
-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California

Quote of the Day

The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves and wiser people so full of doubts.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Quote of the Day

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I have something to say to the religionist who feels atheists never say anything positive: You are an intelligent human being. Your life is valuable for its own sake. You are not second-class in the universe, deriving meaning and purpose from some other mind. You are not inherently evil--you are inherently human, possessing the positive rational potential to help make this a world of morality, peace and joy. Trust yourself.
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
-- Diogenes the Cynic

Quote of the Day

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

We are at the very beginning of time for the human race. It is not unreasonable that we grapple with problems. But there are tens of thousands of years in the future. Our responsibility is to do what we can, learn what we can, improve the solutions, and pass them on.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

Quote of the Day

The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Creationist critics often charge that evolution cannot be tested, and therefore cannot be viewed as a properly scientific subject at all. This claim is rhetorical nonsense.
-- Stephen Jay Gould (Dinosaur in a Haystack)

Quote of the Day

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp

Quote of the Day

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

I don't want this parks department to build, any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive...but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Brought to you by the Booze Council - because Booze really satisfies.
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

Music is essentially useless, as life is.
-- George Santayana

Quote of the Day

It's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
-- Derek Smalls

Quote of the Day

Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
-- Philippus Paracelsus

Quote of the Day

I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.
-- Arturo Toscanini

Quote of the Day

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
-- Scottish proverb

Quote of the Day

Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle.
-- Darby Conley

Quote of the Day

No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
-- Alexander Hamilton

Quote of the Day

There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.
-- Arab proverb

Quote of the Day

Because all you of Earth are idiots!
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
-- Robert Orben

Quote of the Day

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
-- Wavy Gravy

Quote of the Day

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"

Quote of the Day

On the other hand, you have different fingers...
-- Steven Wright

Quote of the Day

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Friends: one to three is sufficient.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

I'm about to write you a reality check! Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
-- Homer

Quote of the Day

We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost.
-- S. Kelly-Bootle (The Devil's DP Dictionary)

Quote of the Day

If we have learned one thing from the history of invention and discovery, it is that, in the long run - and often in the short one - the most daring prophecies seem laughably conservative.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love, hard and fast.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my father.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.
-- Henri Poincare

Quote of the Day

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.
--Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

America tragically continues to fall behind the Chinese. It seems like no matter what we do, they stay 13 hours ahead.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider godfearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side.
-- Aristotle (384-322 BCE), "Politics"

Quote of the Day

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

It's all Christianity, people. The little, stupid differences are nothing next to the big, stupid similarities.
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If the account given in Genesis is really true, ought we not, after all, to thank this serpent? He was the first schoolmaster, the first advocate of learning, the first enemy of ignorance, the first to whisper in human ears the sacred word liberty, the creator of ambition, the author of modesty, of inquiry, of doubt, of investigation, of progress and of civilization.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll, ("The Gods", 1872)

Quote of the Day

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

Sad preacher nailed upon the coloured door of time;
Insane teacher be there reminded of the rhyme.
There'll be no mutant enemy we shall certify;
Political ends, as sad remains, will die.
Reach out as forward tastes begin to enter you.
-- Yes

Quote of the Day

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
-- Erma Bombeck

Quote of the Day

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I'd rather be rich than stupid.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote of the Day

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

I would recommend that skeptics devote even more effort than they do now to understanding the reasons why so many people want or need to believe.
-- Murray Gell-Mann

Quote of the Day

No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson

Quote of the Day

I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
-- Gotama Buddha

Quote of the Day

Inspector Clay is dead! Murdered! And someone's responsible!
-- Detective (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
-- Nelson Muntz

Quote of the Day

Barry, there is no hell. There is only France.
-- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"

Quote of the Day

We are Sex Bob-omb. We are here to sell out and make money and stuff.
-- Kim Pine

Quote of the Day

Oh, so, just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical?
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence.
-- ALGOL 68 Report

Quote of the Day

In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-- Ernest Rutherford

Quote of the Day

Someday, I want to go to a site that proclaims a miracle and see a real miracle, like a pie miraculously floating above my keyboard, or a MySpace page that doesn't look like technicolor vomit.
-- PZ Myers

Quote of the Day

After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Quote of the Day

Adventure is just bad planning.
-- Roald Amundsen

Quote of the Day

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

I'm swelling with patriotic mucus!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

It ain't over till it's over.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

When people learn no tools of judgment and merely follow their hopes, the seeds of political manipulation are sown.
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Quote of the Day

I have to admit I have a monkey on my back. It represents my crippling addiction to monkeys.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
-- Will Rogers

Quote of the Day

We're talking about whether any independent contractors working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when the rebels destroyed it.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

A moral choice in its basic terms appears to be a choice that favors survival: a choice made in favor of life.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

I can imagine no greater misfortune for a cultured people than to see in the hands of the rulers not only the civil, but also the religious power.
-- Caius Valerius Catullus

Quote of the Day

You have just destroyed one model XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual roto-plooker....and you're gonna have to pay for it.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I wanted to go to college, so I went to my dad and said, "Dad, can I have a hundred thousand dollars to go to college?" And he said, "Go ask your mother", so I went to her and said "Can I have a hundred thousand to go to college?" And she said, "Ask you father", so I went to him and said "Can I have a hundred thousand?" And he said "Ask your mother." And as I was going to my mother I tripped and hit my head on the coffee table, and my mother said "Fifteen-love, my serve again."
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is beter to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

I'm looking for something beautiful and cheap for a lady who is one of those things!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson

Quote of the Day

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance...
-- Thomas Pynchon (Gravity's Rainbow)

Quote of the Day

There's nothing wrong with murder, just as long as you let Bender whet his beak.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.
-- Terry Pratchett (Men at Arms)

Quote of the Day

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.
-- Albert Camus

Quote of the Day

Are you correcting me? Don't correct me! I'm a Pantera's box you do NOT want to open!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

An expert is a man who has stopped thinking - he knows!
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
-- Bob Marley

Quote of the Day

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
-- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum

Quote of the Day

Jazz does not belong to one race or culture, but is a gift that America has given the world.
-- Ahmad Alaadeen

Quote of the Day

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
-- Terry Pratchett (Equal Rites)

Quote of the Day

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
-- James Joyce (Ulysses)

Quote of the Day

The town where I grew up has a zip code of EIEIO.
-- Martin Mull

Quote of the Day

Oh sweet information superhighway, what bring you me from the depths of cyberspace?
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

(Religion) With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion
-- Steven Weinberg

Quote of the Day

Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.
-- Aristophanes

Quote of the Day

It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Oh, No. I'm being hassled in the street by a chick.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Sen. Danforth: There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographics material or material glorifying violence?
Tipper Gore: No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me.
Frank Zappa: I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny.
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985

Quote of the Day

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

In Vegas, everyone goes everywhere in limos. Las Vegas is just a giant prom night for adults who are very bad at math.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.
-- Mel Brooks

Quote of the Day

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

Anything that can be done chemically can be done by other means.
-- William S. Burroughs

Quote of the Day

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

What have been [Christianity's] fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.
-- James Madison

Quote of the Day

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
-- Red Forman

Quote of the Day

Wait a minute! This sounds like rock and/or roll!
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

A woman like that you gotta romance first!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
-- Italian proverb

Quote of the Day

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another where the best fruit is.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Do not worry about your problems in mathematics. I assure you, my problems with mathematics are much greater than yours.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
-- William of Occam

Quote of the Day

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon

Quote of the Day

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
-- David Brin

Quote of the Day

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power is derived by a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

We owe it to ourselves as respectable human beings, as thinking human beings, to do what we can to make humanity more rational...Humanists recognize that it is only when people feel free to think for themselves, using reason as their guide, that they are best capable of developing values that succeed in satisfying human needs and serving human interests.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Want me to smack the corpse around a little?
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
-- Charles Mingus

Quote of the Day

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

Bring me a creationist who doesn't lie, deceive, distort and distract then I will show you a whole lot of thin air!
-- Clayton Forno

Quote of the Day

We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

The Bible has been interpreted to justify such evil practices as, for example, slavery, the slaughter of prisoners of war, the sadistic murders of women believed to be witches, capital punishment for hundreds of offenses, polygamy, and cruelty to animals. It has been used to encourage belief in the grossest superstition and to discourage the free teaching of scientific truths. We must never forget that both good and evil flow from the Bible. It is therefore not above criticism.
-- Steve Allen

Quote of the Day

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

I still went to church regularly, though, until I was eighteen years old. Then suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. All the mindless morbidity and discipline was pretty sick--bleeding this, painful that and no meat on Friday. What is this shit?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Rich Kulawiec

Quote of the Day

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup (The C++ Programming Language)

Quote of the Day

I don't know what you could say about a day in which you have seen four beautiful sunsets.
-- John Glenn

Quote of the Day

We're not your classic heros. We're the other guys.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I want to give a picture of Dublin so complete that if the city suddenly disappeared from the earth it could be reconstructed out of my book.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

The bible must be seen in a cultural context. It didn't just happen. These stories are retreads. But, tell a Christian that -- No, No! What makes it doubly sad is that they hardly know the book, much less its origins.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

People who think of videos as an art form are probably the same people who think Cabbage Patch Dolls are a revolutionary form of soft sculpture.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
-- John Ciardi

Quote of the Day

Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

I call this turf 'n' turf. It's a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Perhaps if you know you are insane then you are not insane.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

No, I've framed animals before. I framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present. And I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal. The smallness of it is what's attractive. It's weird, 'cause it's so intellectually lame. It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of my life. But at the same time, it's what I do best.
-- Chris Elliot (writer and performer on Late Night with David Letterman)

Quote of the Day

The concept of the rock-guitar solo in the eightees has pretty much been reduced to: Weedly-weedly-wee, make a face, hold your guitar like it's your weenie, point it heavenward, and look like you're really doing something. Then, you geta big ovation while the the smoke bombs go off, and the motorized lights in your truss twirl around.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Quote of the Day

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- Donald E. Knuth

Quote of the Day

Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
Or he can, but does not want to;
Or he cannot and does not want to.
If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
Then how come evil in the world?
-- Epicurus

Quote of the Day

I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there
-- Yes

Quote of the Day

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. The Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after doing its duty in but a lazy and indolent way for 800 years, gathered up its halters, thumbscrews, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray

Quote of the Day

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

It is not easy to see how the more extreme forms of nationalism can long survive when men have seen the Earth in its true perspective as a single small globe against the stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Cultivating a manly musk puts opponents on notice.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Here's my card. It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick. And I don't celebrate any major holidays.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

A Democratic victory would not change the world, but it would at least slow the berserk white-trash momentum of the bombs-and-Jesus crowd. Those people have had their way long enough. Not even the Book of Revelations threatens a plague of vengeful yahoos.
-- Hunter Thompson

Quote of the Day

I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.
-- Marcus Procius Cato

Quote of the Day

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I have something to say about the difference between American and European cities. But I've forgotten what it is. I have it written down at home somewhere.
-- David Byrne (True Stories)

Quote of the Day

God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

I think the best indication that there is no God is that Stevie Ray Vaughan got killed and Celine Dion reproduced.
-- Kevin Enns (SKEPTIC Mailing List)

Quote of the Day

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
-- Charles Babbage

Quote of the Day

Don't talk to me about the post-modern age. We're not even in the modern age yet for Christ's sake. There are still 150 million people in America who believe in Genesis.
-- Simon Critchley

Quote of the Day

Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds!
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
-- Bill Hicks

Quote of the Day

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.
-- Clarence Darrow

Quote of the Day

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Laurie Anderson

Quote of the Day

If you see a whole thing - it seems that it's always beautiful. Planets, lives.... But close up a world's all dirt and rocks. And day to day, life's a hard job, you get tired, you lose the pattern.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

Hooray, I'm useful!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke: It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!
-- Homer J. Simpson