Quote of the Day

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman -- stuff you pay good money for in later life.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings.

The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.

Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?

Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell th em that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983

Quote of the Day

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there
-- Yes

Quote of the Day

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
-- Berry Kercheval

Quote of the Day

I used to think it was a terrible thing that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'what if life *were* fair, and all of the terrible things that happen to us came because we really deserved them?' Now I take great comfort in the general unfairness and hostility of the universe.
-- Marcus Cole (Babylon 5)

Quote of the Day

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-- Scottish proverb

Quote of the Day

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do y ou say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers written on restaurant checks do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put back by years.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

I think the best indication that there is no God is that Stevie Ray Vaughan got killed and Celine Dion reproduced.
-- Kevin Enns (SKEPTIC Mailing List)

Quote of the Day

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
-- Honore de Balzac

Quote of the Day

This man is costing my health plan five thousand dollars a day! I demand he die with dignity.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness.
-- Margaret Atwood

Quote of the Day

This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence.
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
Or he can, but does not want to;
Or he cannot and does not want to.
If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
Then how come evil in the world?
-- Epicurus

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I still went to church regularly, though, until I was eighteen years old. Then suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. All the mindless morbidity and discipline was pretty sick--bleeding this, painful that and no meat on Friday. What is this shit?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong.
-- Johann Von Neumann

Quote of the Day

Religions do make claims about the universe--the same kinds of claims that scientists make, except they're usually false.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-- A. Whitney Brown

2.5 hours of pretentious horseshit

The Marching Arts

Quote of the Day

People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen

Quote of the Day

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
-- Joe Theismann