Quote of the Day

I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
-- Gotama Buddha

Quote of the Day

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

And scandal rocks the nation. The new iPads are out and I didn't get a free one, or did I?
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

In the old days villains had moustaches and kicked the dog. Audiences are smarter today. They don't want their villain to be thrown at them with green limelight on his face. They want an ordinary human being with failings.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Quote of the Day

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait... wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.
-- Robert Orben

Quote of the Day

People who think of videos as an art form are probably the same people who think Cabbage Patch Dolls are a revolutionary form of soft sculpture.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

You can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a bloodthirsty tyrant, but if they can dig up two or three verses that say "God is love," they will claim that *you* are taking things out of context!
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)

Quote of the Day

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
-- Criswell (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I think it is not helpful to apply Darwinian language too widely. Conquest of nation by nation is too distant for Darwinian explanations to be helpful.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds!
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.
-- David Hume

Quote of the Day

We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Halelleuia ...
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
-- Neil Gaiman

Quote of the Day

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
-- Squidward Tentacles

Quote of the Day

Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat. He was the king of queen Archie's world.
-- Hooper LaMont

Quote of the Day

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Don't expect any mercy during the great robot wars.
-- Jodene Sparks

Quote of the Day

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote of the Day

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
-- Matt Groening

Quote of the Day

Man is a Religious Animal. Man is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.... The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Because all you of Earth are idiots!
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
-- The Doctor

Quote of the Day

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.
-- Terry Pratchett (The Last Continent)

Quote of the Day

It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.
-- Archie Bunker

Quote of the Day

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Don't talk to me about the post-modern age. We're not even in the modern age yet for Christ's sake. There are still 150 million people in America who believe in Genesis.
-- Simon Critchley

Quote of the Day

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
-- Kilgore Trout

Quote of the Day

Perhaps it is a peculiarity of mine that despite the fact that I am a professional performer, it is true that I have always preferred playing without an audience.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

Brought to you by the Booze Council - because Booze really satisfies.
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well.
-- Joel Moses, Algorithms and Complexity, ed. J.F. Traub

Quote of the Day

All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my father.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes, but it is necessary to protect the young and innocent.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
-- Gen. Phil Sheridan

Quote of the Day

Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between the Bold Romantic Gesture and creepy stalking, and it's not always clear how to distinguish one from the other. The tricky crux of the matter is that it depends entirely on how it's going to be received, which unfortunately the impetuous suitor/creepy stalker has lost the ability to gauge. My friend Alex reports that all the women he's polled have been enthusiastic advocates of the Bold Romantic Gesture, but this, he suspects, is because they're all automatically picturing John Cusack making it, not Steve Buscemi or Peter Lorre or the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Often you just don't know whether you're the hero of a date movie or the villain on a Lifetime Network special until the restraining order arrives.
-- Tim Kreider

Quote of the Day

Wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which piles up first!
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre

Quote of the Day

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Laurie Anderson

Quote of the Day

No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.
-- Sterling Archer

Quote of the Day

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
-- Matt Groening (Love is Hell)

Quote of the Day

Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

As flames engulf earth, the last human survivor bites his lip, uses the blood to wet his throat & with his final breath, whispers "MAGA."
-- Kumail Nanjiani (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Oh no! Not the magnet!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson

Quote of the Day

I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja

Quote of the Day

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson

Quote of the Day

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter Thompson

Quote of the Day

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question.
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Quote of the Day

The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup (The C++ Programming Language)

Quote of the Day

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.
-- Arturo Toscanini

Quote of the Day

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I'm swelling with patriotic mucus!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

I've always said there's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not.
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

Just once, I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie...
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed.
-- Frank Deford

Quote of the Day

When people learn no tools of judgment and merely follow their hopes, the seeds of political manipulation are sown.
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Quote of the Day

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Day

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.
-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)

Quote of the Day

Unix is hard to learn. The process of learning it is one of multiple small epiphanies. Typically you are just on the verge of inventing some necessary tool or utility when you realize that someone else has already invented it, and built it in, and this explains some odd file or directory or command that you have noticed but never really understood before.
-- Neal Stephenson

Quote of the Day

You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, "I'm getting fed up."
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.

Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you.

He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all -powerfu l, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Once I posed naked for a magazine. But it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

Strange Obsession

No Pants Parties

Quote of the Day

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

...and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniab le ambig uity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
-- Steve Allen

Quote of the Day

My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it.
-- Jacob Bronowski

Quote of the Day

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

True, it returns "" for false, but "" is an even more interesting number than 0.
-- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>

Quote of the Day

Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.
-- Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software

Quote of the Day

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
-- Harry Shearer

Quote of the Day

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)

Quote of the Day

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Why do people keep insisting that I join the twenty-first century? I live in the twenty-first century! I just don't want to be bothered by the shitheads on the internet!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered french toast in the renaissance.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

And then I was confronted with N'Sync, Aerosmith and Britney Spears to*gether*. The trifecta from *Hell*.
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

The sermon was based on what he claimed was a well-known fact, that there were no Atheists in foxholes. I asked Jack what he thought of the sermon afterwards, and he said, "There's a Chaplain who never visited the front."
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
-- Derek 'Stormy' Waters

Quote of the Day

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.
-- Austin Powers

Quote of the Day

Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
-- Bob Marley

Quote of the Day

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

Quote of the Day

In West Virginia I never stop for gas, because I'm afraid I'll be caught and made someone's mountain wife. And then I'll probably grow to like the guy and end up with ten scrawny, filthy kids named Shane who always ask, "Momma, how come you don't talk like us?"
-- Kathleen Madigan

Quote of the Day

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

Religion supports nobody. It has to be supported. It produces no wheat, no corn; it ploughs no land; it fells no forests. It is a perpetual mendicant. It lives on the labors of others, and then has the arrogance to pretend that it supports the giver.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Quote of the Day

My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Jazz does not belong to one race or culture, but is a gift that America has given the world.
-- Ahmad Alaadeen

Quote of the Day

I'm looking for something beautiful and cheap for a lady who is one of those things!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

In my land, women are for advancing the race, not for fighting man's battles.
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"

Quote of the Day

In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
-- Pliny the Elder

Quote of the Day

I was in ROTC in college. One day the commander came up to me and said, "Emo, I haven't seen you in camouflage class in six weeks." I replied, "I'm getting good, aren't I?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
-- W. C. Fields

Quote of the Day

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Honor: if you need it defined, you don't have it.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Communism is like one big phone company.
-- Lenny Bruce

Quote of the Day

Hey Fry, I'm steering with my ass!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. That's why I like them. If we could find a way to tax people who are bad at English, science and history I'd be a happy camper.
-- Dana Blankenhorn

Quote of the Day

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre

Quote of the Day

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achilles' heel, if you will.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, Gummy-beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
-- Nelson Muntz

Quote of the Day

Every now and then, when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
-- Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Quote of the Day

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx

Quote of the Day

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
-- Wavy Gravy

Quote of the Day

It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-- Henny Youngman

Quote of the Day

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

What have been [Christianity's] fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.
-- James Madison

Quote of the Day

A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX

Quote of the Day

(Religion) With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion
-- Steven Weinberg

Quote of the Day

Is there another word for synonym?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I wanted to go to college, so I went to my dad and said, "Dad, can I have a hundred thousand dollars to go to college?" And he said, "Go ask your mother", so I went to her and said "Can I have a hundred thousand to go to college?" And she said, "Ask you father", so I went to him and said "Can I have a hundred thousand?" And he said "Ask your mother." And as I was going to my mother I tripped and hit my head on the coffee table, and my mother said "Fifteen-love, my serve again."
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Quote of the Day

He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

Quote of the Day

Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we have tolerated the last eight years?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The priests used to say that faith can move mountains, and nobody believed them. Today the scientists say that they can level mountains, and nobody doubts them.
-- Joseph Campbell

Quote of the Day

Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD

Quote of the Day

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
-- Euripides

Quote of the Day

My religion is to do good.
-- Thomas Paine

Quote of the Day

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Linux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reason that only children read books with only pictures in them. Language, be it English or something else, is the only tool flexible enough to accomplish a sufficiently broad range of tasks.
-- Bill Garrett

Quote of the Day

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
-- Lisa Simpson

Quote of the Day

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

You men, the next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymans rate.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be the homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I hate people who love me. And they hate me.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I think it is not helpful to apply Darwinian language too widely. Conquest of nation by nation is too distant for Darwinian explanations to be helpful.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Some people crave baseball -- I find this unfathomable -- but I can easily understand why a person could get excited about playing a bassoon.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

When I was a child, the other children in my neighborhood would taunt me, calling me "noodle-head" or "neo-Calvinist" So I would run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap tight and pull me back.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4

Quote of the Day

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
-- Dave Thomas (Strange Brew)

Quote of the Day

I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George Bush went to Yale. The End.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

We're talking about whether any independent contractors working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when the rebels destroyed it.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I don't want this parks department to build, any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
-- Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
-- Ian Faith

Quote of the Day

The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

I don't own a computer, or a modem, or anything like that; I still work on a manual typewriter, by choice, and to those who consider me a Luddite I say: Fuck you and yo mama. I operate at the level of technology that best suits my needs. And I type at 120 words per minute --two fingers --I make no mistakes, and my manuscripts are real. You can pick them up and hold them. My typewriter doesn't dump it's memory --I don't lose a book.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

Well, I believe that those energies and processes exist. I just don't think that they've been adequately described or adequately named yet, because people are too willing to make it all into something that supports a religious theory of one flavor or another. If you start defining these things in nuts-and-bolts scientific terms, people reject it because it's not fun, y'know. It takes some of the romance out of being dead ... because of people's desires to have eternal life and to extend their influence from beyond the grave ... all that Houdini type stuff ... but basically, I think when you're dead ... you're dead. It comes with the territory.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's advantage to see the truth.
-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer

Quote of the Day

You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
-- Professor Frink

Quote of the Day

Bad facts make bad laws.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Quote of the Day

A witty saying proves nothing.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Usually, when you go to someone's house they offer you coffee. They say, "You want some coffee?" I tell them, "No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix." I try to get things I need.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

You will find men like him in all of the world's religions. They know that we represent reason and science, and, however confident they may be in their beliefs, they fear that we will overthrow their gods. Not necessarily through any deliberate act, but in a subtler fashion. Science can destroy a religion by ignoring it as well as by disproving its tenets. No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, the nonexistance of Zeus or Thor, but they have few followers now.
-- Arthur C. Clarke (Childhood's End)

Quote of the Day

Ah ha-ha, chess! The ancient contest of wits! Two opponenets: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look! Magnets for ease of travel! You could play chess on the moon!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman -- stuff you pay good money for in later life.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings.

The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.

Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?

Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell th em that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983

Quote of the Day

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I look into the mirror
I see no happiness
All the warmth I gave you
Has turned to emptiness
The love we had has fallen
The love we used to share
You've left me here believing
In love that wasn't there
-- Yes

Quote of the Day

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
-- Berry Kercheval

Quote of the Day

I used to think it was a terrible thing that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'what if life *were* fair, and all of the terrible things that happen to us came because we really deserved them?' Now I take great comfort in the general unfairness and hostility of the universe.
-- Marcus Cole (Babylon 5)

Quote of the Day

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-- Scottish proverb

Quote of the Day

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do y ou say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers written on restaurant checks do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put back by years.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

I think the best indication that there is no God is that Stevie Ray Vaughan got killed and Celine Dion reproduced.
-- Kevin Enns (SKEPTIC Mailing List)

Quote of the Day

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
-- Honore de Balzac

Quote of the Day

This man is costing my health plan five thousand dollars a day! I demand he die with dignity.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness.
-- Margaret Atwood

Quote of the Day

This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence.
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
Or he can, but does not want to;
Or he cannot and does not want to.
If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
Then how come evil in the world?
-- Epicurus

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I still went to church regularly, though, until I was eighteen years old. Then suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. All the mindless morbidity and discipline was pretty sick--bleeding this, painful that and no meat on Friday. What is this shit?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong.
-- Johann Von Neumann

Quote of the Day

Religions do make claims about the universe--the same kinds of claims that scientists make, except they're usually false.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-- A. Whitney Brown

2.5 hours of pretentious horseshit

The Marching Arts

Quote of the Day

People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen

Quote of the Day

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
-- Joe Theismann

Quote of the Day

Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat.
-- Dizzy Dean

Quote of the Day

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Someday, I want to go to a site that proclaims a miracle and see a real miracle, like a pie miraculously floating above my keyboard, or a MySpace page that doesn't look like technicolor vomit.
-- PZ Myers

Quote of the Day

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
-- Laurie Anderson

Quote of the Day

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Strippers do nothing for me... but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton

Quote of the Day

Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale!
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman

Quote of the Day

What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)

Quote of the Day

The world and the universe is an extremely beautiful place, and the more we understand about it the more beautiful does it appear.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

Quote of the Day

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I wonder what the Shroud Of Turin tastes like.
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

You have just destroyed one model XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual roto-plooker....and you're gonna have to pay for it.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
-- Captain Ahab (Moby Dick)

Quote of the Day

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

God made food; the devil the cooks.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

Why isn't there a name for the meal between breakfast and brunch?
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

Science offers us an explanation of how complexity (the difficult) arose out of simplicity (the easy). The hypothesis of God offers no worthwhile explanation for anything, for it simply postulates what we are trying to explain.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
-- Jack Handey

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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry

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When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
-- Groucho Marx

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Big Bang Theory is FAKE SCIENCE. I'm told Sheldon doesn’t actually have a PhD and his real name is Jim. Bad (or sick) guy!
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

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They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
-- Edmund Blackadder, Esq. (Blackadder the Third)

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It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
-- David St. Hubbins

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No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
-- Ron Swanson

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The universe is a strange and wondrous place. The truth is quite odd enough to need no help from pseudoscientific charlatans.
-- Richard Dawkins

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I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
-- Stephen Wright

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Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
-- Jack Handey

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There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
-- Randal Graves

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Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
-- Ron Swanson

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On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
-- George Orwell

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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-- Mark Twain

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A one sentence definition of mythology?
"Mythology" is what we call someone else's religion.
-- Joseph Campbell

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We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.
-- Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software

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I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
-- Jack Handey

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My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.
-- Niels Bohr

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[The pamphlet] was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.
-- Terry Pratchett (Monstrous Regiment)

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If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
-- Albert Einstein

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Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

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If you are in possession of this revolutionary secret of science, why not prove it and be hailed as the new Newton? Of course, we know the answer. You can't do it. You are a fake.
-- Richard Dawkins

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The forceps of our minds are clumsy forceps, and crush the truth a little in taking hold of it.
-- H.G. Wells

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Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
-- Ron Swanson

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All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat;
All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings;
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid.
Who made the spiky urchin? Who made the shark? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, all pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. Amen.
-- Monty Python

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Bad movies have taught us that sheriffs hold on to their belts a lot.
-- Crow T. Robot

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When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

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I knew an Amish girl who was excommunicated: too Mennonite.
-- Emo Philips

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No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.
-- Sterling Archer

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A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
-- Jack Handey

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I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
-- Dave Barry

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Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense, differing from the latter only as a veteran may differ from a raw recruit: and its methods differ from those of common sense only as far as the guardsman's cut and thrust differ from the manner in which a savage wields his club.
-- Thomas H. Huxley

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So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the résumé? What do you mean? Of course, martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence! Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too, and I will see you there burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

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An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
-- David Letterman

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Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
-- Robert Heinlein

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It ain't over till it's over.
-- Yogi Berra

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The creed whose legitimacy is most easily challenged is likely to develop the strongest proselytizing impulse. It is doubtful whether a movement which does not profess some preposterous and patently irrational dogma can be possessed of that zealous drive which "must either win men or destroy the world." It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between profession and practice-that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their faith on others.
-- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer, 1951, section 88

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Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
-- David Letterman

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I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright

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If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

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If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain

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It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-- Thomas Jefferson

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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-- Rita Rudner

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Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx

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Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
-- Homer J. Simpson

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The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
-- William of Occam

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Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain

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Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
-- Douglas Adams

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Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.
-- Aristophanes

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Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
-- Jack Handey

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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-- Jack Handey

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Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
-- Albert Einstein

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It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play.
-- Dizzy Gillespie

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My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette

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The persistence of erroneous beliefs exacerbates the widespread anachronistic failure to recognize the urgent problems that face humanity on this planet.
-- Murray Gell-Mann