Quote of the Day

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I knew an Amish girl who was excommunicated: too Mennonite.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.
-- Sterling Archer

Quote of the Day

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense, differing from the latter only as a veteran may differ from a raw recruit: and its methods differ from those of common sense only as far as the guardsman's cut and thrust differ from the manner in which a savage wields his club.
-- Thomas H. Huxley

Quote of the Day

So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the résumé? What do you mean? Of course, martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence! Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too, and I will see you there burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
-- Robert Heinlein

Quote of the Day

It ain't over till it's over.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

The creed whose legitimacy is most easily challenged is likely to develop the strongest proselytizing impulse. It is doubtful whether a movement which does not profess some preposterous and patently irrational dogma can be possessed of that zealous drive which "must either win men or destroy the world." It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between profession and practice-that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their faith on others.
-- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer, 1951, section 88

Quote of the Day

Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote of the Day

Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
-- William of Occam

Quote of the Day

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.
-- Aristophanes

Quote of the Day

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play.
-- Dizzy Gillespie

Quote of the Day

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

The persistence of erroneous beliefs exacerbates the widespread anachronistic failure to recognize the urgent problems that face humanity on this planet.
-- Murray Gell-Mann