I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
Many a time in the past six years I have bit my tongue so I wouldn't annoy people with the always obnoxious observation, "I told you so." But, dammit it all to hell, I did tell you, and I've been telling you since 1994, and I am so sick of this man and everything he represents -- all the sleazy, smug, self-righteous graft and corruption and "Christian" moralizing and cynicism and tax cuts for all his smug, rich buddies. Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.
-- Molly Ivins
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Quote of the Day
When they say, "Gee, it's an information explosion!" --no, it's not an explosion, it's a disgorgement of the bowels is what it is. Every idiotic thing that anybody could possibly write or say or think can get into the body politic now --where before things would have to have some merit to go through the publishing routine, now, anything. And all you're getting is an explosion of useless crap, which added to the other useless crap that was being done originally, only makes it that much worse."
-- Harlan Ellison
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
-- Derek 'Stormy' Waters
Monday, December 27, 2010
Quote of the Day
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
-- William S. Burroughs
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Quote of the Day
There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Quote of the Day
If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
What's in a name? That is what we ask ourselves in childhood when we write the name that we are told is ours.
-- James Joyce
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!
-- Max Bialystock
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Quote of the Day
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, December 20, 2010
Quote of the Day
I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Quote of the Day
It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Quote of the Day
You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
-- The Sphinx
Friday, December 17, 2010
Quote of the Day
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
-- David Letterman
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers written on restaurant checks do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put back by years.
-- Douglas Adams
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Quote of the Day
Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
-- Bob Marley
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Quote of the Day
I used to think that cyberspace was fifty years away. What I thought was fifty years away, was only ten years away. And what I thought was ten years away... it was already here. I just wasn't aware of it yet.
-- Bruce Sterling
Monday, December 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Quote of the Day
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
-- Fred Brooks
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Quote of the Day
I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting... NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
-- Lewis Black
Friday, December 10, 2010
Quote of the Day
Isn't pomo really one big cover-up for for the failure of the French to write a truly interesting novel ever since a sports car ate Albert Camus?
-- John Leonard
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Quote of the Day
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
Sometimes glass glitters more than diamonds because it has more to prove.
-- Terry Pratchett
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
-- Steven Wright
Monday, December 06, 2010
Quote of the Day
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Week in Review
Friday, December 03, 2010
Quote of the Day
What I have done is to show that it is possible for the way the universe began to be determined by the laws of science. In that case, it would not be necessary to appeal to God to decide how the universe began. This doesn't prove that there is no God, only that God is not necessary.
-- Stephen W. Hawking, Der Spiegel, 1989
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
James A. Chappell
Looks like one of my alter-egos died. (I used to work in North Stonington, CT and would occasionally get Rev. Chappell’s mail at work).
Quote of the Day
...the stereo- type of scientists being scruffy nerds with rows of pens in their top pocket is just about as wicked as racist stereotypes.
-- Richard Dawkins
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Monday, November 29, 2010
Quote of the Day
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Alexander Pope
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Quote of the Day
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it.
-- Richard P. Feynman
Friday, November 26, 2010
Quote of the Day
I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
-- Gotama Buddha
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Quote of the Day
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
-- David Letterman
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Quote of the Day
Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
-- Mark Twain
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
-- Homer J. Simpson
Monday, November 22, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
-- Homer J. Simpson
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Quote of the Day
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
-- Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Quote of the Day
The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which failed to start because of the following error:
The operation completed successfully.
-- Windows NT Server v3.51
Friday, November 19, 2010
Quote of the Day
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Quote of the Day
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.
-- Mel Brooks
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then I suspect all fortran programs look like "firsts")
-- Olaf Kirch
Monday, November 15, 2010
Quote of the Day
"Whoopee" was such a beautiful word and then Bob Eubanks had to go and cheapen it.
-- James Urbaniak (via Twitter)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Quote of the Day
This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? She'll never leave Fred and we know it.
-- Dave Lister
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
The language and concepts contained herein are guaranteed not to cause eternal torment in the place where the guy with the horns and pointed stick conducts his business.
-- Frank Zappa
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Quote of the Day
I would recommend that skeptics devote even more effort than they do now to understanding the reasons why so many people want or need to believe.
-- Murray Gell-Mann
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Quote of the Day
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
-- Douglas Adams
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Monday, November 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
-- David Letterman
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Quote of the Day
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
Friday, November 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes, but it is necessary to protect the young and innocent.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Quote of the Day
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Quote of the Day
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Quote of the Day
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman
Monday, November 01, 2010
Quote of the Day
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K. Dick
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Quote of the Day
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
-- Douglas Adams
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice - there are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia.
-- Frank Zappa
Friday, October 29, 2010
Quote of the Day
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-- Mark Twain
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Quote of the Day
And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Quote of the Day
Sen. Danforth: There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographics material or material glorifying violence?
Tipper Gore: No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me.
Frank Zappa: I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny.
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Quote of the Day
Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe.
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Friday, October 22, 2010
Quote of the Day
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
-- Robert Orben
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quote of the Day
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
-- Stanislaw Lem
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Quote of the Day
I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.
-- Stephen Wright
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Quote of the Day
The National Rifle Association says, 'Gun's don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.
-- Eddie Izzard
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python
Friday, October 15, 2010
Quote of the Day
The universe may have a purpose, but nothing we know suggests that, if so, this purpose has any similarity to ours.
-- Bertrand Russell
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Quote of the Day
The concept of the rock-guitar solo in the eightees has pretty much been reduced to: Weedly-weedly-wee, make a face, hold your guitar like it's your weenie, point it heavenward, and look like you're really doing something. Then, you geta big ovation while the the smoke bombs go off, and the motorized lights in your truss twirl around.
-- Frank Zappa
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
-- David Brin
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Quote of the Day
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
-- Bill Hicks
Monday, October 11, 2010
Quote of the Day
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Quote of the Day
Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Friday, October 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
Percy, Duke of Northumberland: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Prince Edmund, the Black Adder: Mm! ... What?
Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.
Edmund: And what's that, exactly?
Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes [points dramatically] from Galveston.
Edmund: I see. And what about it?
Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?
Percy: [nods] No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.
Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?
Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord.
Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.
Percy: No, My Lord.
Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Percy: [finally begins to grasp] Yes, My Lord.
Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole in the head...
-- Prince Edmund, the Black Adder and Percy, Duke of Northumberland (The Black Adder)
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever.
-- George Orwell
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Quote of the Day
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-- George Carlin
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
-- Groucho Marx
Monday, October 04, 2010
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Quote of the Day
Damn it, when I'm bombastic, I have my reasons. I want to be bombastic-take it or leave it.
-- Dave Brubeck
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Quote of the Day
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
-- Bertrand Russell
Friday, October 01, 2010
Quote of the Day
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
-- Steven Feiner
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Quote of the Day
On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
-- George Orwell
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, September 27, 2010
Quote of the Day
In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.
-- George Orwell
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Quote of the Day
Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Quote of the Day
Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.
-- Calvin Trillin
Week in Review
Friday, September 24, 2010
Quote of the Day
Christians, it is needless to say, utterly detest each other. They slander each other constantly with the vilest forms of abuse and cannot come to any sort of agreement in their teaching. Each sect brands its own, fills the head of its own with deceitful nonsense, and makes perfect little pigs of those it wins over to its side.
-- Celsus (2nd Century C.E.)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Quote of the Day
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Quote of the Day
Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best.
-- Frank Zappa
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Quote of the Day
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
-- Wavy Gravy
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Quote of the Day
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
-- Diogenes the Cynic
Friday, September 17, 2010
Quote of the Day
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
The forceps of our minds are clumsy forceps, and crush the truth a little in taking hold of it.
-- H.G. Wells
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Quote of the Day
It's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
-- Derek Smalls
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Week in Review
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Quote of the Day
I think I might wear my MC Hammer trousers today. They enable me to move sideways at alarming speeds and provide commodious ball comfort.
-- Simon Pegg (via Twitter)
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, September 06, 2010
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover.
-- Al Franken
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Quote of the Day
Never have I encountered such foul, mindless perversity! Have you considered a career in the church?
-- Bishop of Bath and Wells (Blackadder II)
Friday, September 03, 2010
Quote of the Day
The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
-- Bertrand Russell
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Quote of the Day
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Quote of the Day
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-- William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)
Monday, August 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Quote of the Day
The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left in Minas Troney wh o was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
-- Harvard Lampoon (Bored of the Rings)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Quote of the Day
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Quote of the Day
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips
Monday, August 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Quote of the Day
As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
-- Austin Powers
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Quote of the Day
Probably the most difficult thing in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, it's been a good day.
-- Emo Philips
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Quote of the Day
Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
-- Neil Pye
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Quote of the Day
The level of awe that you get by contemplating the modern scientific view of the universe: deep time (by which I mean geological time), deep space, and what you could call deep complexity, living things..... that level of awe is just orders of magnitude greater and more awe-inspiring than the sort of pokey medieval world-view which the church still actually has. I mean, they sort of pay lip-service to the scientific world-view, but if you listen to what they say on Thought For The Day [a religious program on BBC Radio] and things like that, it is medieval. It's a small world, a small universe, with the sky up there, very little advance since that time. So I yield to nobody in my awe for the universe and for life, but I also have a deep desire to understand it, in terms of what makes it work, what makes it tick, and not to take refuge in spurious non-explanations like "I just believe it because I believe it," that sort of thing.
-- Richard Dawkins, intervi ew with Douglas Adams
Monday, August 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?
-- Homer J. Simpson
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Quote of the Day
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
-- Jack Handey
Friday, August 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
-- Sandra Boynton
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Quote of the Day
The theory of evolution by cumulative natural selection is the only theory we know of that is in principle capable of explaining the existence of organized complexity.
-- Richard Dawkins
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 09, 2010
Quote of the Day
I love timbersports! They combine the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the threat of amputation!
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
-- Mark Twain
Friday, August 06, 2010
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Quote of the Day
America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
-- Homer J. Simpson
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Monday, August 02, 2010
Quote of the Day
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Quote of the Day
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
-- Douglas Adams
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Quote of the Day
When I meet a man I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
-- Rita Rudner
Week in Review
Friday, July 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
In the year 415, the woman scientist Hypatia, head of the legendary Alexandria library, was beaten to death by Christian monks who considered her a pagan. The leader of the monks, Cyril, was canonized a saint
-- James A. Haught (Free Inquiry, Winter 1996/1997)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Quote of the Day
The man who worships a tyrant in heaven naturally submits his neck to the yoke of tyrants on earth.
-- George W. Foote (Flowers of Freethought)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Quote of the Day
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
-- Jack Handey
Monday, July 26, 2010
Quote of the Day
All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
-- Jodene Sparks
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
I can imagine no greater misfortune for a cultured people than to see in the hands of the rulers not only the civil, but also the religious power.
-- Caius Valerius Catullus
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Quote of the Day
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
-- Bertrand Russell
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Quote of the Day
Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Quote of the Day
It was the greatest night of my life. I'd been invited to the Captain's Table. I'd only been with the company fourteen years. Six officers and me! They called me "Arnold." We had gazpacho soup for starters. I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and I told him to take it away and bring it back hot. He did. The looks on their faces still haunt me today! I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time, they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup. I never ate at the Captain's Table again. That was the end of my career.
-- Arnold Judas Rimmer
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Quote of the Day
I wanted to go to college, so I went to my dad and said, "Dad, can I have a hundred thousand dollars to go to college?" And he said, "Go ask your mother", so I went to her and said "Can I have a hundred thousand to go to college?" And she said, "Ask you father", so I went to him and said "Can I have a hundred thousand?" And he said "Ask your mother." And as I was going to my mother I tripped and hit my head on the coffee table, and my mother said "Fifteen-love, my serve again."
-- Emo Philips
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Jack Handey
Week in Review
Friday, July 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
-- Groucho Marx
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Quote of the Day
The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a "2" in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, "I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!" Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
-- Lewis Black
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Quote of the Day
A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal. The smallness of it is what's attractive. It's weird, 'cause it's so intellectually lame. It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of my life. But at the same time, it's what I do best.
-- Chris Elliot (writer and performer on Late Night with David Letterman)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-- George Carlin
Monday, July 12, 2010
Quote of the Day
In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
-- Nigel Tufnel
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Quote of the Day
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
-- Voltaire
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Quote of the Day
The foundation of morality should not be made dependent on myth nor tied to any authority lest doubt about the myth or about the legitimacy of the authority imperil the foundation of sound judgment and action.
-- Albert Einstein
Week in Review
Friday, July 09, 2010
Quote of the Day
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.
-- Austin Powers
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Quote of the Day
Thanks to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings, either a liberal or a conservative.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Quote of the Day
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
-- Jack Handey
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Quote of the Day
I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three-thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
-- Bob Uecker
Friday, July 02, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
-- Homer J. Simpson
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Quote of the Day
In the old days villains had moustaches and kicked the dog. Audiences are smarter today. They don't want their villain to be thrown at them with green limelight on his face. They want an ordinary human being with failings.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Quote of the Day
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Quote of the Day
The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
When I was a child, the other children in my neighborhood would taunt me, calling me "noodle-head" or "neo-Calvinist" So I would run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap tight and pull me back.
-- Emo Philips
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Quote of the Day
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
-- Thomas Jefferson
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Quote of the Day
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Quote of the Day
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
-- Gandalf the Grey (J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Quote of the Day
I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that iscontingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being.
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)
Monday, June 21, 2010
Quote of the Day
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman.
-- James T. Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Quote of the Day
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
-- Douglas Adams
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Quote of the Day
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.
-- Clarence Darrow
Friday, June 18, 2010
Quote of the Day
The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural for them to despise science fiction.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you have trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
-- Scott Adams
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Quote of the Day
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
-- Jack Handey
Monday, June 14, 2010
Quote of the Day
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.
-- Dave Barry
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Quote of the Day
Oh sweet information superhighway, what bring you me from the depths of cyberspace?
-- Crow T. Robot
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Quote of the Day
Don't talk to me about the post-modern age. We're not even in the modern age yet for Christ's sake. There are still 150 million people in America who believe in Genesis.
-- Simon Critchley
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Quote of the Day
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup (The C++ Programming Language)
Monday, June 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-- Harlan Ellison
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Quote of the Day
Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan
Week in Review
Friday, June 04, 2010
Quote of the Day
I don't say that we ought to all misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
-- Orson Welles
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Quote of the Day
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Quote of the Day
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
-- James Joyce
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Quote of the Day
We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme. It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. We are sorry if this impression has come across.
-- Monty Python
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