This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Quote of the Day
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Quote of the Day
All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Week in Review
Friday, March 26, 2010
Quote of the Day
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Quote of the Day
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Quote of the Day
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Quote of the Day
At the present rate of progress, it is almost impossible to imagine any technical feat that cannot be achieved - if it can be achieved at all - within the next few hundred years.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Week in Review
Friday, March 19, 2010
Quote of the Day
Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
-- Orson Welles
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Quote of the Day
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Quote of the Day
A one sentence definition of mythology?
"Mythology" is what we call someone else's religion.
-- Joseph Campbell
Monday, March 15, 2010
Quote of the Day
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- Carl Sagan
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Quote of the Day
You've got a Methodist Coloring Book
And you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
Or God will send you to hell
-- Dead Milkmen, "Methodist Coloring Book"
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Quote of the Day
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Week in Review
Friday, March 12, 2010
Quote of the Day
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Quote of the Day
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Quote of the Day
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
-- Bob Newhart
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Quote of the Day
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Monday, March 08, 2010
Quote of the Day
Dear Mr. President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
-- Abraham Simpson
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Quote of the Day
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
-- Isaac Asimov
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Week in Review
Friday, March 05, 2010
Quote of the Day
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God."
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Quote of the Day
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
-- Frank Zappa
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Quote of the Day
Science is nothing but trained and organized common sense, differing from the latter only as a veteran may differ from a raw recruit: and its methods differ from those of common sense only as far as the guardsman's cut and thrust differ from the manner in which a savage wields his club.
-- Thomas H. Huxley
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Monday, March 01, 2010
Quote of the Day
I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson
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