For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
-- Terry Pratchett (Equal Rites)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Quote of the Day
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Quote of the Day
I have to admit I have a monkey on my back. It represents my crippling addiction to monkeys.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, December 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-- George Carlin
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
The trinitarian believes a virgin to be the mother of a son who is her maker.
-- Sir Francis Bacon
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein
Friday, December 23, 2011
Quote of the Day
An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Quote of the Day
If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
-- Isaac Asimov
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
-- Scott Adams
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
Justifying space exploration because we get non-stick frying pans is like justifying music because it is good exercise for the violinists right arm.
-- Richard Dawkins
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-- Mark Twain
Friday, December 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
-- Aldous Huxley
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Quote of the Day
Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!
-- Homer J. Simpson
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Quote of the Day
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
-- Dick Cavett
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock
Friday, December 09, 2011
Quote of the Day
You can't fool me. It's soy juice. There's no such thing as soy milk, because there's no such thing as a soy tit.
-- Lewis Black
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Quote of the Day
Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Quote of the Day
Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.
-- Terry Pratchett (Men at Arms)
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Quote of the Day
Never have I encountered such foul, mindless perversity! Have you considered a career in the church?
-- Bishop of Bath and Wells (Blackadder II)
Monday, December 05, 2011
Quote of the Day
Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Week in Review
Friday, December 02, 2011
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Quote of the Day
If you have trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
-- Scott Adams
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
Once again, your stupidity has killed us!
-- Marco Rodrigo Diaz de Vivar Diego Garcia Marquez
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Quote of the Day
America tragically continues to fall behind the Chinese. It seems like no matter what we do, they stay 13 hours ahead.
-- Stephen Colbert
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Quote of the Day
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken
Monday, November 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Quote of the Day
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
-- James Joyce
Friday, November 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost.
-- S. Kelly-Bootle (The Devil's DP Dictionary)
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
-- Neil Gaiman
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Quote of the Day
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
-- Flannery O'Connor
Monday, November 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
There is no nonsense so arrant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast majority by adequate government action.
-- Bertrand Russell
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.
-- Hillel the Elder
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Quote of the Day
The intelligent beings in these regions should therefore not be surprised if they observe that their locality in the universe satisfies the conditions that are necessary for their existence. It is a bit like a rich person living in a wealthy neighborhood not seeing any poverty.
-- Stephen Hawking
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Quote of the Day
It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)
Monday, November 07, 2011
Quote of the Day
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
-- George Carlin
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Quote of the Day
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
-- Jack Handey
Friday, November 04, 2011
Quote of the Day
Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Quote of the Day
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Quote of the Day
All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.
-- Richard P. Feynman
Monday, October 31, 2011
Quote of the Day
The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.
-- Orson Welles
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Quote of the Day
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
-- Umberto Eco
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, October 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
We look at the ancient Greeks with their gods on a mountain top throwing lightning bolts and say, "Those ancient Greeks. They were so silly. So primitive and naive. Not like our religions. We have burning bushes talking to people and guys walking on water. We're ...sophisticated."
-- Paul Provenza
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Quote of the Day
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
Friday, October 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
-- Randal Graves
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider godfearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side.
-- Aristotle (384-322 BCE), "Politics"
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Quote of the Day
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Stephen Wright
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
Bring me a creationist who doesn't lie, deceive, distort and distract then I will show you a whole lot of thin air!
-- Clayton Forno
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Quote of the Day
...I don't think music turns people into social liabilities. Because you hear a lyric -- there's no medical proof that a person hearing a lyric is going to act out the lyric. There's also no medical proof that if you hear any collection of vowels and consonants, that the hearing of that collection is going to send you to Hell.
-- Frank Zappa
Friday, October 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty, not knowing what comes next.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Quote of the Day
You read the Bible in your own special ways
you're fond of quoting certain things it says
Mouth full of righteousness and wrath from above
When do we hear about forgiveness and love?
-- Bruce Cockburn, "Gospel of Bondage"
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I'm wrong. The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right... Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?
-- Frank Zappa
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Friday, October 07, 2011
Quote of the Day
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Quote of the Day
And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.
-- The Tick
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Quote of the Day
Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny!
-- Bender Unit 22
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Quote of the Day
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
-- Mark Twain
Monday, October 03, 2011
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Quote of the Day
Hollywood is a gold-plated suburb suitable for golfers, gardeners, assorted middlemen, and contented movies stars. I am none of these things.
-- Orson Welles
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Quote of the Day
I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting... NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
-- Lewis Black
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
-- W. C. Fields
Monday, September 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
Why don't you listen to something really classical like Mozart, Mendelsohn or Motorhead?
-- Arnold Judas Rimmer
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
-- Blaise Pascal
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray
Friday, September 23, 2011
Quote of the Day
Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century, and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practise.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Quote of the Day
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
The bassoon is one of my favorite instruments. It has the medieval aroma -- like the days when everything used to sound like that.
-- Frank Zappa
Monday, September 19, 2011
Quote of the Day
Thank God for Savage and Scarborough. Without them, who, besides Rush, OReilly, Buchanan, Novak, Kristol, Roger Ailes, Hannity, Barnes, Hume, Will, the Wall Street Journal, The Washington Times, The New York Post, the Weekly Standard, American Spectator, The New York Sun, all of Fox, most of MSNBC cable, much of CNN, ABC, National Review, Drudge, Andy, Ann Coulter, Bernard Goldberg, etc, etc, would have the guts to take on The liberal media?
-- Eric Alterman
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Friday, September 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
-- Max Bialystock
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
-- David Letterman
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Quote of the Day
When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.
-- The Sphinx
Monday, September 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Quote of the Day
Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.
-- Thomas Paine
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.
-- Richard Dawkins
Week in Review
Friday, September 09, 2011
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Quote of the Day
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
-- Jack Handey
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Quote of the Day
That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Monday, September 05, 2011
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Quote of the Day
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
-- Jack Handey
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Quote of the Day
I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-- Samuel Johnson
Friday, September 02, 2011
Quote of the Day
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, September 01, 2011
Quote of the Day
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Quote of the Day
The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other.
-- Sir Francis Bacon
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry
Friday, August 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
-- Groucho Marx
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
-- Thomas Jefferson
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Quote of the Day
The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
Monday, August 22, 2011
Quote of the Day
I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.
-- Marcus Procius Cato
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
I don't own a computer, or a modem, or anything like that; I still work on a manual typewriter, by choice, and to those who consider me a Luddite I say: Fuck you and yo mama. I operate at the level of technology that best suits my needs. And I type at 120 words per minute --two fingers --I make no mistakes, and my manuscripts are real. You can pick them up and hold them. My typewriter doesn't dump it's memory --I don't lose a book.
-- Harlan Ellison
Friday, August 19, 2011
Quote of the Day
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
I don't know what you could say about a day in which you have seen four beautiful sunsets.
-- John Glenn
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
-- Joseph Heller (God Knows)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
The creed whose legitimacy is most easily challenged is likely to develop the strongest proselytizing impulse. It is doubtful whether a movement which does not profess some preposterous and patently irrational dogma can be possessed of that zealous drive which "must either win men or destroy the world." It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between profession and practice-that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their faith on others.
-- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer, 1951, section 88
Monday, August 15, 2011
Quote of the Day
Words are the litmus paper of the minds. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word "commence" in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say "Enter", don't stop to pack.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
There was no place in the land where the seeker could not find some small budding sign of pity for the slave. No place in all the land but one-- the pulpit. It yielded last; it always does. It fought a strong and stubborn fight, and then did what it always does, joined the procession-- at the tail end. Slavery fell. The slavery texts in the Bible remained; the practice changed; that was all.
-- Mark Twain
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Quote of the Day
The human mind is a dangerous plaything, boys. When it's used for evil, watch out! But when it's used for good, then things are much nicer.
-- The Tick
Friday, August 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck.
-- Frank Zappa
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Quote of the Day
...and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniab le ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
-- Steve Allen
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
-- George Carlin
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Quote of the Day
I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!
-- Max Bialystock
Monday, August 08, 2011
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Quote of the Day
The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
-- William Gibson
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Quote of the Day
A Democratic victory would not change the world, but it would at least slow the berserk white-trash momentum of the bombs-and-Jesus crowd. Those people have had their way long enough. Not even the Book of Revelations threatens a plague of vengeful yahoos.
-- Hunter Thompson
Week in Review
Friday, August 05, 2011
Quote of the Day
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup (The C++ Programming Language)
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Quote of the Day
A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
-- Fred Brooks
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Monday, August 01, 2011
Quote of the Day
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Quote of the Day
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-- Mark Twain
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Quote of the Day
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
-- Stephen Wright
Friday, July 29, 2011
Quote of the Day
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
One of the great attractions of patriotism - it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.
-- Aldous Huxley
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
-- Jack Handey
Monday, July 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
You can tell Buddha was never married. Otherwise his wife would have always been saying, "What are you gonna do, sit around like that all day?"
-- Garry Shandling
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
-- Sandra Boynton
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Quote of the Day
So once again, we find that evil of the past seeps into the present like salad dressing through cheap wax paper, mixing memory and desire.
-- The Tick
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
... of course, this probably only happens for tcsh which uses wait4(), which is why I never saw it. Serves people who use that abomination right 8^)
-- Linus Torvalds, about a patch that fixes getrusage for 1.3.26
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Quote of the Day
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Monday, July 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three-thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
-- Bob Uecker
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey
Friday, July 15, 2011
Quote of the Day
The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.
-- Mark Twain
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
One trend that bothers me is the glorification of stupidity, that the media is reassuring people it's alright not to know anything. That to me is far more dangerous than a little pornography on the Internet.
-- Carl Sagan
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Quote of the Day
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
-- Isaac Asimov
Monday, July 11, 2011
Quote of the Day
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handey
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well.
-- Joel Moses, Algorithms and Complexity, ed. J.F. Traub
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Quote of the Day
The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Friday, July 08, 2011
Quote of the Day
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
-- Jack Handey
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Quote of the Day
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
-- George Carlin
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Quote of the Day
I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.
-- Stephen Wright
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Monday, July 04, 2011
Quote of the Day
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
-- Abraham Lincoln
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Quote of the Day
We could jam in Joe's garage,
we didn't have no dope or LSD,
but a coupl'o'quarts o'beer,
would fix it so the intonation,
would not offend your ear.
-- Frank Zappa
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Quote of the Day
No one has an idea really of where we should draw the line. What about the Bible? Every nut who kills people has a Bible lying around. If you're looking for violent rape imagery, the Bible's right there in your hotel room. If you just want to look up ways to screw people up, there it is, and you're justified because God told you to. You have Shakespeare and you have Sophocles--what are we going to do, lose Oedipus Rex if someone pokes an eye out?
-- Penn Jillette, from Reason magazine, on censorship of violent TV shows
Friday, July 01, 2011
Quote of the Day
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate.
-- K.E. Iverson
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Quote of the Day
Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
-- Neil Pye
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
You never see animals going through the absurd and often horrible fooleries of magic and religion.... Only man behaves with such gratuitous folly. It is the price he has to pay for being intelligent but not, as yet, quite intelligent enough.
-- Aldous Huxley
Monday, June 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
Friday, June 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
Most of what we strive for in our modern life uses the apparatus of goal seeking that was originally set up to seek goals in the state of nature.
-- Richard Dawkins
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Quote of the Day
In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-- Mark Twain
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Quote of the Day
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed; they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!
-- Orson Welles
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Quote of the Day
And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Monday, June 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.
-- Siddhartha Gautama
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Quote of the Day
I'd be a Libertarian, if they weren't all a bunch of tax-dodging professional whiners.
-- Berkeley Breathed
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adams
Friday, June 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.
-- I. F. Stone
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
-- Terry Pratchett
Monday, June 13, 2011
Quote of the Day
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Stephen Wright
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Quote of the Day
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God."
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Quote of the Day
The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
-- Bertrand Russell
Friday, June 10, 2011
Quote of the Day
Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.
-- Brodie Bruce
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Quote of the Day
Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
-- Dave Barry
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Quote of the Day
The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos.
-- Stephen Jay Gould
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Quote of the Day
The nanny state is always sticking its nose into our business, from baby seats to motorcycle helmets, yet when I let my baby drive my Harley in a baby seat with a helmet, they call child services.
-- Stephen Colbert
Monday, June 06, 2011
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Quote of the Day
I'm about to write you a reality check! Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?
-- The Tick
Saturday, June 04, 2011
Quote of the Day
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Friday, June 03, 2011
Quote of the Day
Recently, I've been working with the Salvation Navy. Good outfit, but it's hard to get people to join. Not many people want to sit in a rowboat with a bass drum in their lap.
-- George Carlin
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Quote of the Day
Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards.
-- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Quote of the Day
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Orson Welles
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Quote of the Day
Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence.
-- Richard Dawkins
Monday, May 30, 2011
Quote of the Day
You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Quote of the Day
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Quote of the Day
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
-- Jack Handey
Friday, May 27, 2011
Quote of the Day
Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Quote of the Day
I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that iscontingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being.
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Quote of the Day
It is not easy to see how the more extreme forms of nationalism can long survive when men have seen the Earth in its true perspective as a single small globe against the stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Quote of the Day
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
-- Scott Adams
Monday, May 23, 2011
Quote of the Day
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Quote of the Day
Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Quote of the Day
Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.
-- Marcus Aurelius
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Quote of the Day
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
-- Jack Handey
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Quote of the Day
Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.
-- Bender Unit 22
Monday, May 16, 2011
Quote of the Day
It's hard to have a righteous opinion on the environment when you're as selfish and uninformed as I am. On one hand, I'm a cat-loving vegetarian who ought to care deeply about the caribou or koala bears or bats or whatever they have in Alaska. On the other hand, I live in California so I'd be willing to squeeze school children to death if I thought some oil would come out.
-- Scott Adams
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Quote of the Day
If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
-- Homer J. Simpson
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Quote of the Day
God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
-- Terry Pratchett (Good Omens)
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