Quote of the Day

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

I think it is not helpful to apply Darwinian language too widely. Conquest of nation by nation is too distant for Darwinian explanations to be helpful.
-- Richard Dawkin

Quote of the Day

If you want to do evil, science provides the most powerful weapons to do evil; but equally, if you want to do good, science puts into your hands the most powerful tools to do so.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an airport' appear.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds!
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait... wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The future ain't what it used to be.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo.
-- Professor Hubert Farnsworth

Quote of the Day

In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention. Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought '42 will do' I typed it out. End of story.
-- Douglas Adams (on why "42" is The Answer...)

Quote of the Day

I still went to church regularly, though, until I was eighteen years old. Then suddenly, the light bulb went on over my head. All the mindless morbidity and discipline was pretty sick--bleeding this, painful that and no meat on Friday. What is this shit?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.
-- David Frost

Quote of the Day

Hipness is not a state of mind, It's a fact of life!
-- Cannonball Adderley

Quote of the Day

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
3/4 oz. tequilla
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
1/2 oz. cola
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
-- Long Island Iced Tea

Quote of the Day

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
-- Squidward Tentacles

Quote of the Day

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Do not trust people. They are capable of greatness.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Quote of the Day

Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

The town where I grew up has a zip code of EIEIO.
-- Martin Mull

Quote of the Day

The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

You never see animals going through the absurd and often horrible fooleries of magic and religion.... Only man behaves with such gratuitous folly. It is the price he has to pay for being intelligent but not, as yet, quite intelligent enough.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

Christians, it is needless to say, utterly detest each other. They slander each other constantly with the vilest forms of abuse and cannot come to any sort of agreement in their teaching. Each sect brands its own, fills the head of its own with deceitful nonsense, and makes perfect little pigs of those it wins over to its side.
-- Celsus (2nd Century C.E.)

Quote of the Day

You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
-- Max Bialystock

Quote of the Day

It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
-- Vince Lombardi

Quote of the Day

If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little Electric Chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
-- Lenny Bruce

Quote of the Day

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
-- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum

Quote of the Day

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
-- Gen. Phil Sheridan

Quote of the Day

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

echo $package has manual pages available in source form.
echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you."
-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution

Quote of the Day

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.
-- Albert Camus

Quote of the Day

People who think of videos as an art form are probably the same people who think Cabbage Patch Dolls are a revolutionary form of soft sculpture.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.
-- Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play.
-- Dizzy Gillespie

Quote of the Day

In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent." I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms.
-- Stephen J. Gould

Quote of the Day

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.
-- Archie Bunker

Quote of the Day

Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.
-- Robin Williams

Quote of the Day

In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4

Quote of the Day

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
-- Bob Newhart

Quote of the Day

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale!
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
-- William Goldman

Quote of the Day

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a "2" in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, "I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!" Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

A house is where you put your stuff when you're out buying other stuff.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX

Quote of the Day

The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
Or he can, but does not want to;
Or he cannot and does not want to.
If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
Then how come evil in the world?
-- Epicurus

Quote of the Day

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It was a sin to want to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to be felt up. It was a sin to try to feel up Ellen, and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins involved in one feel, man!
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out, which is the exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

The nanny state is always sticking its nose into our business, from baby seats to motorcycle helmets, yet when I let my baby drive my Harley in a baby seat with a helmet, they call child services.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.
-- Arab proverb

Quote of the Day

That chill, my young non-friend, is probably the cold breath of the reaper breathing down your neck.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
-- Austin Powers

Quote of the Day

A Democratic victory would not change the world, but it would at least slow the berserk white-trash momentum of the bombs-and-Jesus crowd. Those people have had their way long enough. Not even the Book of Revelations threatens a plague of vengeful yahoos.
-- Hunter Thompson

Quote of the Day

Orthodoxy means not thinking - not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil.
-- Helen Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? She'll never leave Fred and we know it.
-- Dave Lister

Quote of the Day

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
-- Demetri Martin

Quote of the Day

America tragically continues to fall behind the Chinese. It seems like no matter what we do, they stay 13 hours ahead.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
-- Clifford C. Clavin Jr.

Quote of the Day

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.
-- Sir Thomas Beecham

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, forbidden donut.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.
-- George Orwell

Troll

Trumpet of the Lord

Quote of the Day

They have the Internet on computers, now?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

One of the great attractions of patriotism - it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Dear Mr. President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
-- Abraham Simpson

Quote of the Day

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Religion supports nobody. It has to be supported. It produces no wheat, no corn; it ploughs no land; it fells no forests. It is a perpetual mendicant. It lives on the labors of others, and then has the arrogance to pretend that it supports the giver.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Quote of the Day

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
-- Robert Orben

Quote of the Day

You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

My religion is to do good.
-- Thomas Paine

Quote of the Day

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder

Quote of the Day

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.
-- Joseph Heller

Quote of the Day

You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.
-- Austin Powers

Quote of the Day

Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Booze takes a dull party and makes it better!
-- Joel Robinson

Quote of the Day

I don't want to sound callous. I mean, even if I have nothing to offer, that doesn't matter, because that still doesn't mean that what anybody else has to offer therefore has to be true.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting... NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
-- Gandalf the Grey (J.R.R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings)

Quote of the Day

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
-- Frank Zappa

Drum and Bugle Corps

more drum corps...

Quote of the Day

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal

Quote of the Day

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Imagine the people who believe such things and who are not ashamed to ignore, totally, all the patient findings of thinking minds through all the centuries since the Bible was written. And it is these ignorant people, the most uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who would make themselves the guides and leaders of us all... I personally resent it bitterly.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

One trend that bothers me is the glorification of stupidity, that the media is reassuring people it's alright not to know anything. That to me is far more dangerous than a little pornography on the Internet.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Words are the litmus paper of the minds. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word "commence" in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say "Enter", don't stop to pack.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

In the year 415, the woman scientist Hypatia, head of the legendary Alexandria library, was beaten to death by Christian monks who considered her a pagan. The leader of the monks, Cyril, was canonized a saint
-- James A. Haught (Free Inquiry, Winter 1996/1997)

Quote of the Day

Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
-- Scottish proverb

Quote of the Day

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Quote of the Day

Why isn't there a name for the meal between breakfast and brunch?
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
-- Jeff Raskin (interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal)

Quote of the Day

Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

When belief in a god dies, the god dies.
-- Harlan Ellison (Deathbird Stories)

Quote of the Day

Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
-- Max Bialystock

Quote of the Day

Goddammit! The world is just filling up with more and more idiots! And the computer is giving them access to the world! They're spreading their stupidity! At least they were contained before--now they're on the loose everywhere!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Ninety percent of everything is crap.
-- Theodore Sturgeon

Quote of the Day

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

Quote of the Day

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done too many things wrong. It was never like this for Mencken. He lived like a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker than Judas on others. It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City" (Generation of Swine)

Quote of the Day

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
-- Vannevar Bush

Quote of the Day

When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Some people crave baseball -- I find this unfathomable -- but I can easily understand why a person could get excited about playing a bassoon.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock

Quote of the Day

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
-- Edmund Blackadder, Esq. (Blackadder the Third)

Quote of the Day

I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Quote of the Day

Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. That's why I like them. If we could find a way to tax people who are bad at English, science and history I'd be a happy camper.
-- Dana Blankenhorn

Quote of the Day

Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling

Quote of the Day

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

T.V. God, I want porno bloopers!
-- Derek 'Stormy' Waters

Quote of the Day

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Quote of the Day

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
-- William Gibson

Quote of the Day

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
-- Matt Groening (Love is Hell)

Quote of the Day

When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

A moral choice in its basic terms appears to be a choice that favors survival: a choice made in favor of life.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
-- Douglas Hofstadter

Quote of the Day

Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman

Quote of the Day

If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. Learned that the hard way.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Linux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reason that only children read books with only pictures in them. Language, be it English or something else, is the only tool flexible enough to accomplish a sufficiently broad range of tasks.
-- Bill Garrett

Quote of the Day

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
-- Dave Thomas (Strange Brew)

Quote of the Day

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Bender's a genius!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

His power lies apparently in his ability to choose incompetent enemies.
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Why don't you listen to something really classical like Mozart, Mendelsohn or Motorhead?
-- Arnold Judas Rimmer

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey

Week in Review

-	Life During Wartime
-	Quote of the Day
-	$10,000 audiophile ethernet cable
-	Food Party
-	Terry Bozzio U.K. Tour Kit
-	MST3K 0205 – Rocket Attack USA
-	David Lynch’s Return of the Jedi
-	Towel Day
-	MST3K Short – Radar Men from the Moon 7
-	(Nothing but) Flowers

Quote of the Day

The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory.
-- Cicero

Quote of the Day

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

...and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniab le ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
-- Steve Allen

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, purple.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.
-- Siddhartha Gautama

Quote of the Day

The great thing about absurd logic is that it fits any situation.
-- Dogbert

Quote of the Day

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
-- Mark Twain

Week in Review

-	(Nothing but) Flowers
-	Quote of the Day
-	Reading: _The Price of Innocence_
-	For the love of all that’s Holy, WHY ?
-	Shrimp Wrapped in Bacon
-	I am stealing ideas
-	MST3K 0202 – The Sidehackers
-	Graphic Novels
-	Crass Commercialism (Budget Home Theater Edition)
-	MST3K Short – Radar Men from the Moon 6

Smut, Filth, and Garbage

Smut, Filth, and Garbage

Quote of the Day

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power is derived by a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
-- Monty Python

Week in Review

-	This Woman’s Work
-	Quote of the Day
-	1.11 Million
-	Mmmm, Deep-fried Dumping with Crap Meat
-	These are great mysteries
-	MST3K 0113 – The Black Scorpion
-	Mother’s Day
-	MST3K Short – Radar Men from the Moon 5
-	Got My Mind Set on You
-	Westeros Wing

Quote of the Day

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

(Religion) With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion
-- Steven Weinberg

Quote of the Day

It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I'm best.
-- Edmund, Lord Blackadder (Blackadder II)

Quote of the Day

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy --- something like that.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

Now, don't you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I'll be locked up safely in there.
-- Paula Trent (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Week in Review

-	Got My Mind Set on You
-	Quote of the Day
-	Westeros Wing
-	Mmmm, Literal Octopus
-	Philip K. Brick
-	MST3K 0111 – Moon Zero Two
-	Cinco De Mayo
-	SpongeBob SquarePants
-	MST3K Short – Radar Men from the Moon 4
-	Money for Nothing

Quote of the Day

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god? Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I believe everyody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string.
-- Scott Adams

Quote of the Day

The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

The Internet is the most powerful stupidity amplifier ever invented. It's like television without the television part.
-- James "Kibo" Perry

Week in Review

-	Money for Nothing
-	Quote of the Day
-	First of May
-	Baserunning FAIL
-	1.1 Million
-	Mmmm, Offensive Odor
-	JC Corcoran brings his show to the internet
-	MST3K 0109 – Project Moonbase
-	Exxon Valdez
-	Reading: _Fevre Dream_

Quote of the Day

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

In the begining there was nothing, and it exploded.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Indoor electric illumination is often referred to as "artificial light." How can it be artificial? The way I look at it is this: If I can read by it, see myself in the mirror, and recognize my friends, it's probably as real as I'm ever going to need it to be.
-- George Carlin

Week in Review

-	Leave It
-	Quote of the Day
-	Trolls don’t understand the First Amendment
-	Mmmm, Fried Chicken Crust
-	Until the end of their days
-	MST3K 0108 – The Slime People
-	Redeem Your Reputation and More!
-	Easter
-	Easter Yeggs
-	Bag of Weed

Quote of the Day

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Science has 'explained' nothing; the more we know the more fantastic the world becomes and the profounder the surrounding darkness.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vaccuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949

Quote of the Day

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"

Quote of the Day

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it.
-- Jacob Bronowski

Week in Review

-	Another Brick in the Wall
-	Quote of the Day
-	It Doesn’t Matter!
-	Mmmm, Yeast Rings
-	1.09 Million
-	Creationist Cosmos
-	Tax Day
-	MST3K 0107 – Robot Monster
-	Fox “News”: Race in America
-	MST3K Short – Radar Men from the Moon 1

Quote of the Day

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Alexander Pope

Quote of the Day

I don't say that we ought to all misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

People whose concept of ancient history is the first series of Star Trek may be treated with patience, because it's usually not their fault they were reduced to getting their education from school.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
-- THE ABC'S OF UNIX

Week in Review

-	One of These Days
-	Quote of the Day
-	Fox “News” Anchor Congratulates UConn for Being the “NAACP” Champions
-	Mmmm, Floor Tortilla
-	Technique?
-	MST3K 0106 – The Crawling Hand
-	From fiction’s most notorious serial killer…
-	MST3K Short – General Hospital 3
-	What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?
-	Animation Shows How Chile’s Tsunami Took Over the Entire Pacific Ocean

Quote of the Day

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
-- Charles Mingus

Quote of the Day

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

There is no nonsense so arrant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast majority by adequate government action.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
-- Ian Faith

Quote of the Day

I've recently noticed "as if for the first time" that when people pray they always look "upward" -- i.e. perpendicular to whatever place they're standing -- or kneeling or groveling. I deduce that they conceive of their "god" as topologically isomorphic to a huge donut, about a thousand miles wider than Earth.
-- Robert Anton Wilson

Quote of the Day

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Week in Review

-	What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?
-	Quote of the Day
-	Animation Shows How Chile’s Tsunami Took Over the Entire Pacific Ocean
-	1.08 Million
-	Mmmm, Whore Wheat Bagel
-	How long will it take to design this system?
-	MST3K 0105 – The Corpse Vanishes
-	Too easy…
-	MST3K Short – General Hospital 2
-	We All Need Some Light

Quote of the Day

The theory of evolution by cumulative natural selection is the only theory we know of that is in principle capable of explaining the existence of organized complexity.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?

Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

Quote of the Day

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
-- Kleppner & Kolenhow (An Introduction to Mechanics)

Quote of the Day

Thanks to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings, either a liberal or a conservative.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

And then I was confronted with N'Sync, Aerosmith and Britney Spears to*gether*. The trifecta from *Hell*.
-- Lewis Black

Week in Review

-	We All Need Some Light
-	Quote of the Day
-	Cats are Evil
-	Mmmm, Cheese
-	The Curious Case of Flight 370
-	MST3K 0104 – Women of the Prehistoric Planet
-	Drums and Percussion
-	Mystery Science Theater 3000 back on TV?
-	MST3K Short – General Hospital 1
-	Reading: _The Long War_

Quote of the Day

We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.
-- Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software

Quote of the Day

A cult is a religion with no political power.
-- Tom Wolfe

Quote of the Day

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The War Prayer: "O Lord our God, help us to tear their bodies to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded."
-- Mark Twain

Agenda 21

Agenda 21

Quote of the Day

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein

Week in Review

-	Reading: _The Long War_
-	Shine
-	Quote of the Day
-	First Tweet
-	Mac and Cheese Bacon Weave Taco
-	1.07 Million
-	They no longer value their jobs
-	Graphic Novels
-	MST3K 1013 – Diabolik
-	Saint Patrick’s Day

Quote of the Day

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat;
All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings;
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid.
Who made the spiky urchin? Who made the shark? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, all pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. Amen.
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)

Quote of the Day

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
-- Mark Twain

Week in Review

-	The Revealing Science of God
-	Quote of the Day
-	pi Day
-	Jon Anderson forming new band with Jean-Luc Ponty
-	Full Stomachs and Empty Souls
-	Water Balloon Russian Roulette
-	MST3K 1010 – It Lives By Night
-	Cosmos
-	MST3K Short – The Home Economics Story
-	Where The Streets Have No Name

Quote of the Day

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

You men, the next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymans rate.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Science offers us an explanation of how complexity (the difficult) arose out of simplicity (the easy). The hypothesis of God offers no worthwhile explanation for anything, for it simply postulates what we are trying to explain.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George Bush went to Yale. The End.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I can hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother and almost all my best friends, will be everlastingly punished. And this is a damnable doctrine.
-- Charles Darwin

Week in Review

-	Where The Streets Have No Name
-	Quote of the Day
-	Structural and electronic properties of chiral single-wall copper nanotubes
-	Chef Keith Guerke
-	Obamacare Horror Stories
-	1.06 Million
-	March 4th
-	MST3K 1009 – Hamlet
-	The Flintstones
-	Reading: _Forever Peace_

Quote of the Day

No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence.
-- ALGOL 68 Report

Quote of the Day

A noble spirit embiggins the smallest man.
-- Jebidiah Springfield

Quote of the Day

Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.
-- Boomhauer

Quote of the Day

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

We are number one! All others are number two, or lower.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

"Whoopee" was such a beautiful word and then Bob Eubanks had to go and cheapen it.
-- James Urbaniak (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

The night of December 25, to which date the Nativity of Christ was ultimately assigned, was exactly that of the birth of the Persian savior Mithra, who, as an incarnation of eternal light, was born the night of the winter solstice (then dated December 25) at midnight, the instant of the turn of the year from increasing darkness to light.
-- Joseph Campbell (The Mythic Image)

Week in Review

-	Pharrell Mashup (Happy Get Lucky)
-	Quote of the Day
-	Jodorowsky’s Dune
-	Sushi
-	Reading: _Doctor Who: Coming of the Terraphiles_
-	If you don’t talk to your children…
-	MST3K 1007 – Track Of The Moon Beast
-	Fiction
-	RiffTrax Short – Why Vandalism?
-	MST3K Short – Why Study Industrial Arts?

Quote of the Day

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
-- Steven Wright

Quote of the Day

The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

The road to this paradise was not as comfortable and alluring as the road to the religious paradise; but it has shown itself reliable, and I have never regretted having chosen it.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.
-- I. F. Stone

Quote of the Day

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
-- St. Augustine

Quote of the Day

You read the Bible in your own special ways
you're fond of quoting certain things it says
Mouth full of righteousness and wrath from above
When do we hear about forgiveness and love?
-- Bruce Cockburn, "Gospel of Bondage"

Quote of the Day

I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion.
-- Isaac Asimov

Week in Review

-	Crass Commercialism (Platinum Members Only)
-	Running Up That Hill
-	Olympics
-	Quote of the Day
-	I did it for me.
-	Ernest Hemingway’s Burger Recipe
-	Internet Trolls Really Are Horrible People
-	MST3K 1006 – Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues
-	Fish on Wheels
-	MST3K Short – Appreciating Our Parents

Quote of the Day

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp

Quote of the Day

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill." I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
-- Demetri Martin

Quote of the Day

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You have just destroyed one model XQJ-37 nuclear powered pansexual roto-plooker....and you're gonna have to pay for it.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
-- Mark Twain

Week in Review

-	Rubberband Girl
-	Happy Valentine’s Day
-	Quote of the Day
-	Meow
-	Mmmm, Manufactured Duck
-	RiffTrax Short – Right of Wrong?
-	MST3K 1002 – The Girl In Gold Boots
-	Sliding
-	MST3K Short – The Selling Wizard
-	1.05 Million

Quote of the Day

Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards.
-- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.

Quote of the Day

Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
-- Lisa Simpson

Quote of the Day

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A woman like that you gotta romance first!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Week in Review

-	1.05 Million
-	The Looking Glass
-	Quote of the Day
-	RiffTrax Short – Each Child Is Different
-	Kimchi
-	_American Gods_ and _ Anansi Boys_
-	MST3K 1001 – Soultaker
-	Are you ready?
-	MST3K Short – Aquatic Wizards
-	Anerley Road

Quote of the Day

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Well, once again we find that clowning and anarchy don't mix.
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

All good ideas look like bad ideas to those who are losers.
-- Dilbert

Quote of the Day

I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting... NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx

Week in Review

-	Anerley Road
-	Quote of the Day
-	Grammys
-	Mmmm, Burning Advertisement
-	12
-	MST3K 0911 – Devil Fish
-	Linux Humor
-	MST3K Short – Money Talks!
-	Romeo and Juliet
-	Cold