Quote of the Day

The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

Quote of the Day

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done too many things wrong. It was never like this for Mencken. He lived like a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker than Judas on others. It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City" (Generation of Swine)

Quote of the Day

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
-- Vannevar Bush

Quote of the Day

When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you can head off your foes with a balanced attack.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Some people crave baseball -- I find this unfathomable -- but I can easily understand why a person could get excited about playing a bassoon.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock

Quote of the Day

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
-- Edmund Blackadder, Esq. (Blackadder the Third)

Quote of the Day

I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Quote of the Day

Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. That's why I like them. If we could find a way to tax people who are bad at English, science and history I'd be a happy camper.
-- Dana Blankenhorn

Quote of the Day

Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling

Quote of the Day

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

T.V. God, I want porno bloopers!
-- Derek 'Stormy' Waters