Quote of the Day

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
-- Nigel Tufnel

Quote of the Day

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

There was no place in the land where the seeker could not find some small budding sign of pity for the slave. No place in all the land but one-- the pulpit. It yielded last; it always does. It fought a strong and stubborn fight, and then did what it always does, joined the procession-- at the tail end. Slavery fell. The slavery texts in the Bible remained; the practice changed; that was all.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray

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Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
-- Matt Groening (Love is Hell)

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Now, don't you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I'll be locked up safely in there.
-- Paula Trent (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

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Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
-- Jodene Sparks

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I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George Bush went to Yale. The End.
-- Bill Maher

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My full name is Bender Bending Rodriguez.
-- Bender Unit 22

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As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.
-- Mick Shrimpton

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Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Percy, Duke of Northumberland: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Prince Edmund, the Black Adder: Mm! ... What?
Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.
Edmund: And what's that, exactly?
Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes [points dramatically] from Galveston.
Edmund: I see. And what about it?
Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?
Percy: [nods] No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.
Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?
Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord.
Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.
Percy: No, My Lord.
Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Percy: [finally begins to grasp] Yes, My Lord.
Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole in the head...
-- Prince Edmund, the Black Adder and Percy, Duke of Northumberland (The Black Adder)

Quote of the Day

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
-- Dr. Evil

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I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
-- Jack Handey

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Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

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I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much, of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end.
-- Douglas Adams

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My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
-- Stephen Wright

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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between the Bold Romantic Gesture and creepy stalking, and it's not always clear how to distinguish one from the other. The tricky crux of the matter is that it depends entirely on how it's going to be received, which unfortunately the impetuous suitor/creepy stalker has lost the ability to gauge. My friend Alex reports that all the women he's polled have been enthusiastic advocates of the Bold Romantic Gesture, but this, he suspects, is because they're all automatically picturing John Cusack making it, not Steve Buscemi or Peter Lorre or the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Often you just don't know whether you're the hero of a date movie or the villain on a Lifetime Network special until the restraining order arrives.
-- Tim Kreider

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The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A lot of the stuff I do is so minimal, and it's designed to be minimal. The smallness of it is what's attractive. It's weird, 'cause it's so intellectually lame. It's hard to see me doing that for the rest of my life. But at the same time, it's what I do best.
-- Chris Elliot (writer and performer on Late Night with David Letterman)

Quote of the Day

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"

Quote of the Day

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
-- Ron Swanson

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The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
-- Homer J. Simpson

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A free press can of course be good or bad, but, most certainly, without freedom it will never be anything but bad.... Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better, whereas enslavement is a certainty of the worse.
-- Albert Camus

Quote of the Day

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
-- Jack Handey