Quote of the Day

This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman

Quote of the Day

He wrapped himself in quotations- as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors.
-- Rudyard Kipling

Quote of the Day

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
-- Matt Groening

Quote of the Day

A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I don't want this parks department to build, any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Here's my card. It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick. And I don't celebrate any major holidays.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.
-- Eddie Izzard

Quote of the Day

The level of awe that you get by contemplating the modern scientific view of the universe: deep time (by which I mean geological time), deep space, and what you could call deep complexity, living things..... that level of awe is just orders of magnitude greater and more awe-inspiring than the sort of pokey medieval world-view which the church still actually has. I mean, they sort of pay lip-service to the scientific world-view, but if you listen to what they say on Thought For The Day [a religious program on BBC Radio] and things like that, it is medieval. It's a small world, a small universe, with the sky up there, very little advance since that time. So I yield to nobody in my awe for the universe and for life, but I also have a deep desire to understand it, in terms of what makes it work, what makes it tick, and not to take refuge in spurious non-explanations like "I just believe it because I believe it," that sort of thing.
-- Richard Dawkins, intervi ew with Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
-- Immanuel Kant

Quote of the Day

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Hipness is not a state of mind, It's a fact of life!
-- Cannonball Adderley

Quote of the Day

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
-- Demetri Martin

Quote of the Day

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre

Quote of the Day

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-- Rita Rudner