Quote of the Day

Damn it, when I'm bombastic, I have my reasons. I want to be bombastic-take it or leave it.
-- Dave Brubeck

Quote of the Day

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I have something to say about the difference between American and European cities. But I've forgotten what it is. I have it written down at home somewhere.
-- David Byrne (True Stories)

Quote of the Day

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
-- Dr. Evil

Quote of the Day

Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD

Quote of the Day

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

"What shall we do?" said Twoflower.

"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic was the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent brute!" and "Here, pussy."
-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)

Quote of the Day

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
-- Edgar R. Fiedler

Quote of the Day

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

Dear Mr. President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
-- Abraham Simpson

Quote of the Day

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

Christians, it is needless to say, utterly detest each other. They slander each other constantly with the vilest forms of abuse and cannot come to any sort of agreement in their teaching. Each sect brands its own, fills the head of its own with deceitful nonsense, and makes perfect little pigs of those it wins over to its side.
-- Celsus (2nd Century C.E.)

Quote of the Day

Bring me a creationist who doesn't lie, deceive, distort and distract then I will show you a whole lot of thin air!
-- Clayton Forno

Quote of the Day

I don't know what you could say about a day in which you have seen four beautiful sunsets.
-- John Glenn

Quote of the Day

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone; I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no Health Care. In the wild, Health Care is: ow, I hurt my leg; I can't run; a lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Quote of the Day

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

If the fans don't wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop 'em.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams