Quote of the Day

I'm looking for something beautiful and cheap for a lady who is one of those things!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another where the best fruit is.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
-- Eddie Izzard

Quote of the Day

Science has 'explained' nothing; the more we know the more fantastic the world becomes and the profounder the surrounding darkness.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Revolutions always come around again. That's why they're called revolutions.
-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)

Quote of the Day

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Quote of the Day

The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

A noble spirit embiggins the smallest man.
-- Jebidiah Springfield

Quote of the Day

I ask for so little. And boy do I get it.
-- Dilbert

Quote of the Day

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings.

The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.

Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?

Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell th em that you have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983

Quote of the Day

True, it returns "" for false, but "" is an even more interesting number than 0.
-- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>

Quote of the Day

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
-- Erma Bombeck

Quote of the Day

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
"Cats," he said eventually. "Cats are nice."
-- Terry Pratchett (Sourcery)

Quote of the Day

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"

Quote of the Day

I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness.
-- Margaret Atwood

Quote of the Day

Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
-- Clifford C. Clavin Jr.

Quote of the Day

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Oh sweet information superhighway, what bring you me from the depths of cyberspace?
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
3/4 oz. tequilla
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
1/2 oz. cola
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
-- Long Island Iced Tea

Quote of the Day

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck.
-- Frank Zappa