Quote of the Day

We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
-- Gen. Phil Sheridan

Quote of the Day

FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
-- A.J. Perlis

Quote of the Day

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

One does not need to puzzle long over why religionists hate atheists so venomously. Atheist stir up the suppressed doubts of believers to the point of producing anguish. This is the anguish that incited believers to burn heretics and atheists at the stake in olden times to remove the source of the unsettling, disturbing doubts that plagued the believers.
-- C. W. Dalton (The Right Brain and Religion)

Quote of the Day

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

All good ideas look like bad ideas to those who are losers.
-- Dilbert

Quote of the Day

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

I don't want this parks department to build, any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
-- Alexander Hamilton

Quote of the Day

You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake

Quote of the Day

Never have I encountered such foul, mindless perversity! Have you considered a career in the church?
-- Bishop of Bath and Wells (Blackadder II)

Quote of the Day

You had me at meat tornado.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

A one sentence definition of mythology?
"Mythology" is what we call someone else's religion.
-- Joseph Campbell

Quote of the Day

In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4

Quote of the Day

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

Quote of the Day

It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice - there are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Jazz does not belong to one race or culture, but is a gift that America has given the world.
-- Ahmad Alaadeen

Quote of the Day

A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.
-- David Hume

Quote of the Day

I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
-- Jack Handey