Quote of the Day

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.
-- Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

We could jam in Joe's garage,
we didn't have no dope or LSD,
but a coupl'o'quarts o'beer,
would fix it so the intonation,
would not offend your ear.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Is there another word for synonym?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Visits? That would indicate visitors!
-- Air Force Captain (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Imagine the people who believe such things and who are not ashamed to ignore, totally, all the patient findings of thinking minds through all the centuries since the Bible was written. And it is these ignorant people, the most uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who would make themselves the guides and leaders of us all... I personally resent it bitterly.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

(Religion) With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion
-- Steven Weinberg

Quote of the Day

It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Wavy Gravy at all! And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle Moose

Quote of the Day

That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Man is a Religious Animal. Man is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion -- several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.... The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations like prostitutes.
-- Stanley Kubrick

Quote of the Day

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

There are 10¹¹ stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

There are two essential rules of management. One: the customer is always right. Two: they must be punished for their arrogance.
-- Dogbert

Quote of the Day

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Adventure is just bad planning.
-- Roald Amundsen

Quote of the Day

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-- A. Whitney Brown

Quote of the Day

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
-- Sandra Boynton