Quote of the Day

As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
-- Austin Powers

Quote of the Day

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I've pretty much given up on Michael doing the right thing, or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Oh, so, just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical?
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

We don't know who they are or where they come from, but we do know that they stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, I heard they said you guys look like dorks.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
-- Phillip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
-- Kleppner & Kolenhow (An Introduction to Mechanics)

Quote of the Day

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl

Quote of the Day

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

All of us were slowly losing that intellectual light that allows you always to tell the similar from the identical, the metaphorical from the real.
-- Umberto Eco

Quote of the Day

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Revolutions always come around again. That's why they're called revolutions.
-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)