Quote of the Day

An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint.

As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.

This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable.

The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big p ile."
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man Month)

Quote of the Day

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"

Quote of the Day

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

Indoor electric illumination is often referred to as "artificial light." How can it be artificial? The way I look at it is this: If I can read by it, see myself in the mirror, and recognize my friends, it's probably as real as I'm ever going to need it to be.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp

Quote of the Day

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
-- Dr. Evil

Quote of the Day

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.
-- Henri Poincare

Quote of the Day

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Day

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Do not worry about your problems in mathematics. I assure you, my problems with mathematics are much greater than yours.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

A functioning police state needs no police.
-- William S. Burroughs

Quote of the Day

The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory.
-- Cicero

Quote of the Day

It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything.
-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, free goo.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.
-- Terry Pratchett (Guards! Guards!)

Quote of the Day

After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Quote of the Day

Damn it, when I'm bombastic, I have my reasons. I want to be bombastic-take it or leave it.
-- Dave Brubeck

Quote of the Day

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
-- James Thurber

Quote of the Day

Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

I used to think that cyberspace was fifty years away. What I thought was fifty years away, was only ten years away. And what I thought was ten years away... it was already here. I just wasn't aware of it yet.
-- Bruce Sterling

Quote of the Day

Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat.
-- Dizzy Dean

Quote of the Day

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

If you ever require a picture of resentful apathy, check out any background munchkin in the Wizard of Oz. Also, I think it's shameful to try to pin the collapse of the lollipop industry on the lollipop guild.
-- John Hodgman (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

This item demonstrates how stupid the average American is. Every ninety minutes someone in this country is hit by a train. A train, okay? Trains are on tracks; they can't come and get you. They can't surprise you when you step off a curb. You have to go to them. Got that?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

There's nothing wrong with murder, just as long as you let Bender whet his beak.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
-- Fred Brooks

Quote of the Day

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

I like saying "No," it lowers their enthusiasm.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
-- Demetri Martin

Quote of the Day

Jazz is a mental attitude rather than a style. It uses a certain process of the mind expressed spontaneously through some musical instrument. I'm concerned with retaining that process.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

The bible must be seen in a cultural context. It didn't just happen. These stories are retreads. But, tell a Christian that -- No, No! What makes it doubly sad is that they hardly know the book, much less its origins.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

A vital difference between the professional man and a man of business is that money making to the professional man should, by virtue of his assumption, be incidental; to the business man it is primary. Money has its limitations; while it may buy quantity, there is something beyond it and that is quality.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

Diamonds on velvets on goldens on vixen
On comet & cupid on donner & blitzen
On up & away & afar & a go-go
Escape from the weight of your corporate logo!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Warning: George Michael STILL wants your sex. He never rescinded the order! Stay vigilant.
-- Bill Corbett (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
-- Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
-- Robert Heinlein

Quote of the Day

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- into doubt.
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.

Quote of the Day

I live every day as if it were Taco Tuesday.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

You must've torn out the "Q" section in my dictionary, because I don't know the meaning of the word "quit"!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)

Quote of the Day

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
-- Neil Pye

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Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Quote of the Day

The town where I grew up has a zip code of EIEIO.
-- Martin Mull

Quote of the Day

Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people, it is true that most stupid people are conservative.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

There was no place in the land where the seeker could not find some small budding sign of pity for the slave. No place in all the land but one-- the pulpit. It yielded last; it always does. It fought a strong and stubborn fight, and then did what it always does, joined the procession-- at the tail end. Slavery fell. The slavery texts in the Bible remained; the practice changed; that was all.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures," use an atlas or a ham radio.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle Moose

Quote of the Day

Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Quote of the Day

People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

They say no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it's about to erupt with the hot molten lava of strategy.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
-- Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-- Henny Youngman

Quote of the Day

Bender's a genius!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

If you are in possession of this revolutionary secret of science, why not prove it and be hailed as the new Newton? Of course, we know the answer. You can't do it. You are a fake.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja

Quote of the Day

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I wanted to go to college, so I went to my dad and said, "Dad, can I have a hundred thousand dollars to go to college?" And he said, "Go ask your mother", so I went to her and said "Can I have a hundred thousand to go to college?" And she said, "Ask you father", so I went to him and said "Can I have a hundred thousand?" And he said "Ask your mother." And as I was going to my mother I tripped and hit my head on the coffee table, and my mother said "Fifteen-love, my serve again."
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds!
-- Tom Servo

A vile troll...

A vile troll is vile.

Quote of the Day

I hope I didn't brain my damage.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Recently, I've been working with the Salvation Navy. Good outfit, but it's hard to get people to join. Not many people want to sit in a rowboat with a bass drum in their lap.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'
-- Richard Jeni

Quote of the Day

It's taken me all my life to learn what not to play.
-- Dizzy Gillespie

Quote of the Day

Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake

Quote of the Day

The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.
-- Albert Camus

Quote of the Day

Mmmm...fuzzy.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth!
-- Henry David Thoreau

Quote of the Day

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Science is best defined as a careful, disciplined, logical search for knowledge about any and all aspects of the universe, obtained by examination of the best available evidence and always subject to correction and improvement upon discovery of better evidence. What's left is magic. And it doesn't work.
-- James Randi

Quote of the Day

Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

I do not suppose I shall be remembered for anything. But I don't think about my work in those terms. It is just as vulgar to work for the sake of posterity as to work for the sake of money.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

I love timbersports! They combine the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the threat of amputation!
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then I suspect all fortran programs look like "firsts")
-- Olaf Kirch

Quote of the Day

Unix is hard to learn. The process of learning it is one of multiple small epiphanies. Typically you are just on the verge of inventing some necessary tool or utility when you realize that someone else has already invented it, and built it in, and this explains some odd file or directory or command that you have noticed but never really understood before.
-- Neal Stephenson

Quote of the Day

I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

A 7 day waiting period to buy a gun? That's stupid. Nobody can remain mad that long.
-- Emo Philips

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The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
-- Wavy Gravy

Quote of the Day

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
-- William Goldman

Quote of the Day

A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
-- James Joyce (Ulysses)

Quote of the Day

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
-- Immanuel Kant

Quote of the Day

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil.
-- Helen Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

The actual tragedies of life bear no relation to one's preconceived ideas. In the event, one is always bewildered by their simplicity, their grandeur of design, and by that element of the bizzare which seems inherent in them.
-- Jean Cocteau

Quote of the Day

Philosophers say a great deal about what is absolutely necessary for science, and it is always, so far as one can see, rather naive, and probably wrong.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

It is amazing that when someone else spouts the nonsense you yourself believe you can readily perceive it as nonsense.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new elec tricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Quote of the Day

That thing could really tow the boat I don't have up the mountain I don't live near.
-- Jon Stewart on the Ford F-150

Quote of the Day

Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"

Quote of the Day

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
-- Robert Orben

Quote of the Day

The sermon was based on what he claimed was a well-known fact, that there were no Atheists in foxholes. I asked Jack what he thought of the sermon afterwards, and he said, "There's a Chaplain who never visited the front."
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
-- Charles Babbage

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If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
-- Chinese proverb

Quote of the Day

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken

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All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe.
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac

Quote of the Day

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty, not knowing what comes next.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
-- Doug Gwyn

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The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three-thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
-- Bob Uecker

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The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I was in ROTC in college. One day the commander came up to me and said, "Emo, I haven't seen you in camouflage class in six weeks." I replied, "I'm getting good, aren't I?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Quote of the Day

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Quote of the Day

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
-- William S. Burroughs

Quote of the Day

I do believe we need to go to a 24-hour fake news channel, Fox can't be the only fake news channel out there!
-- Jon Stewart (The Daily Show)

Quote of the Day

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.
-- Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre

Quote of the Day

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space 'cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
-- Eric Idle

Quote of the Day

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Strippers do nothing for me... but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Oh, No. I'm being hassled in the street by a chick.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

Many a long dispute among divines may be thus abridged: It is so; It is not so. It is so; it is not so.
-- Benjamin Franklin (Poor Richard's Almanack, 1743)

Quote of the Day

It could not be happening because this sort of thing did not happen. Any contradictory evidence could be safely ignored.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

Quote of the Day

As flames engulf earth, the last human survivor bites his lip, uses the blood to wet his throat & with his final breath, whispers "MAGA."
-- Kumail Nanjiani (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

People who think of videos as an art form are probably the same people who think Cabbage Patch Dolls are a revolutionary form of soft sculpture.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
-- Terry Pratchett (The Truth)

Quote of the Day

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.
-- Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software

Quote of the Day

Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Revolutions always come around again. That's why they're called revolutions.
-- Terry Pratchett (Night Watch)

Quote of the Day

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I suspect that today if you asked people to justify their belief in God, the dominant reason would be scientific. Most people, I believe, think that you need a God to explain the existence of the world, and especially the existence of life. They are wrong, but our education system is such that many people don't know it.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
-- Mort Sahl

Quote of the Day

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Trying is the first step toward failure.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
-- James T. Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8

Quote of the Day

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.
-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)

Quote of the Day

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

And then I was confronted with N'Sync, Aerosmith and Britney Spears to*gether*. The trifecta from *Hell*.
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Child labor laws are ruining this country.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
-- Scottish proverb

Quote of the Day

You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I'm looking for something beautiful and cheap for a lady who is one of those things!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.
-- Number 6

Quote of the Day

Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
-- Lisa Simpson

Quote of the Day

No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence.
-- ALGOL 68 Report

Quote of the Day

Talent is cheap, and many talents treat themselves cheaply.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god? Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

You men, the next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymans rate.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Music is essentially useless, as life is.
-- George Santayana

Quote of the Day

It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong.
-- Johann Von Neumann

Quote of the Day

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my father.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!
-- Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush

Quote of the Day

Yeah man, I tell ya what, man. That dang ol' Internet, man. You just go on there and point and click. Talk about W-W-dot-W-com. An' lotsa nekkid chicks on there, man. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. It's real easy, man.
-- Boomhauer

Quote of the Day

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
-- Babe Ruth

Quote of the Day

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory.
-- Cicero

Quote of the Day

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
-- Professor Frink

Quote of the Day

Jazz washes away the dust of every day life.
-- Art Blakey

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, forbidden donut.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Pinky, you've left the lens cap of your mind on again.
-- The Brain

Quote of the Day

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything I hold in veneration--courage, clear thinking, honesty, fairness, and, above all, love of the truth.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.
-- SpongeBob SquarePants

Quote of the Day

There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

Blasphemy is an epithet bestowed by superstition upon common sense.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Quote of the Day

The National Rifle Association says, 'Gun's don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.
-- Eddie Izzard

Quote of the Day

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

The bassoon is one of my favorite instruments. It has the medieval aroma -- like the days when everything used to sound like that.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!
-- Derek 'Stormy' Waters

Quote of the Day

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

The forceps of our minds are clumsy forceps, and crush the truth a little in taking hold of it.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
"Cats," he said eventually. "Cats are nice."
-- Terry Pratchett (Sourcery)

Quote of the Day

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
-- Matt Groening (Love is Hell)

Quote of the Day

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
-- Pink Floyd

Quote of the Day

... of course, this probably only happens for tcsh which uses wait4(), which is why I never saw it. Serves people who use that abomination right 8^)
-- Linus Torvalds, about a patch that fixes getrusage for 1.3.26

Quote of the Day

I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Inspector Clay is dead! Murdered! And someone's responsible!
-- Detective (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

Once I posed naked for a magazine. But it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be the homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman

Quote of the Day

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
-- Philippus Paracelsus

Quote of the Day

There are 10¹¹ stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

I would recommend that skeptics devote even more effort than they do now to understanding the reasons why so many people want or need to believe.
-- Murray Gell-Mann

Quote of the Day

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Every now and then, when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
-- Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Quote of the Day

I live every day as if it were Taco Tuesday.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well.
-- Joel Moses, Algorithms and Complexity, ed. J.F. Traub

Quote of the Day

Nobody looks good with brown lipstick on.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

Quote of the Day

The persistence of erroneous beliefs exacerbates the widespread anachronistic failure to recognize the urgent problems that face humanity on this planet.
-- Murray Gell-Mann

Quote of the Day

If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
-- Robert X. Cringeley

Quote of the Day

They have the Internet on computers, now?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
-- Steven Wright

Quote of the Day

You can live in your dreams, but only if you are worthy of them.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little Electric Chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
-- Lenny Bruce

Quote of the Day

I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

At the present rate of progress, it is almost impossible to imagine any technical feat that cannot be achieved - if it can be achieved at all - within the next few hundred years.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
-- A.J. Perlis

Quote of the Day

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother and father.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton

Quote of the Day

Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
-- Anthony Burgess

Quote of the Day

The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking.
-- Terry Pratchett (Eric)

Quote of the Day

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

Let's face it, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy, ha ha ha, that's funny!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

It looks just like a Telefunken U-47!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake

Quote of the Day

America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money.
-- Robin Williams

Quote of the Day

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

I don't say that we ought to all misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

Quote of the Day

I have something to say about the difference between American and European cities. But I've forgotten what it is. I have it written down at home somewhere.
-- David Byrne (True Stories)

Quote of the Day

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Quote of the Day

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.
-- Thomas Paine

Quote of the Day

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
-- Edmund Blackadder, Esq. (Blackadder the Third)

Quote of the Day

The actual tragedies of life bear no relation to one's preconceived ideas. In the event, one is always bewildered by their simplicity, their grandeur of design, and by that element of the bizzare which seems inherent in them.
-- Jean Cocteau

Quote of the Day

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I didn't really say everything I said.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman

Quote of the Day

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
-- St. Augustine

Quote of the Day

Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
-- Bob Marley

Quote of the Day

Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation.
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

In Vegas, everyone goes everywhere in limos. Las Vegas is just a giant prom night for adults who are very bad at math.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, Gummy-beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We are Sex Bob-omb. We are here to sell out and make money and stuff.
-- Kim Pine

Quote of the Day

I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja

Quote of the Day

In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

Quote of the Day

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare

Quote of the Day

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
-- Doug Larson

Quote of the Day

The Religion that is afraid of science dishonors God and commits suicide.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

This is like deja vu all over again.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

What I have done is to show that it is possible for the way the universe began to be determined by the laws of science. In that case, it would not be necessary to appeal to God to decide how the universe began. This doesn't prove that there is no God, only that God is not necessary.
-- Stephen W. Hawking, Der Spiegel, 1989

Quote of the Day

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
-- Will Rogers