Quote of the Day

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman

Quote of the Day

It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell.
-- St. Augustine

Quote of the Day

Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
-- Bob Marley

Quote of the Day

Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation.
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

In Vegas, everyone goes everywhere in limos. Las Vegas is just a giant prom night for adults who are very bad at math.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, Gummy-beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We are Sex Bob-omb. We are here to sell out and make money and stuff.
-- Kim Pine

Quote of the Day

I like my beer cold...my TV loud...and my homosexuals flaming.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja

Quote of the Day

In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

Quote of the Day

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare

Quote of the Day

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
-- Doug Larson

Quote of the Day

The Religion that is afraid of science dishonors God and commits suicide.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote of the Day

This is like deja vu all over again.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

What I have done is to show that it is possible for the way the universe began to be determined by the laws of science. In that case, it would not be necessary to appeal to God to decide how the universe began. This doesn't prove that there is no God, only that God is not necessary.
-- Stephen W. Hawking, Der Spiegel, 1989

Quote of the Day

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
-- Will Rogers