Quote of the Day

Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love, hard and fast.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

D'oh! English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.
-- John Ciardi

Quote of the Day

I'd rather be rich than stupid.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
-- Dr. Evil

Quote of the Day

You've got a Methodist Coloring Book
And you color really well
But don't color outside the lines
Or God will send you to hell
-- Dead Milkmen, "Methodist Coloring Book"

Quote of the Day

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
-- Joe Theismann

Quote of the Day

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.
-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)

Quote of the Day

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
-- Neil Gaiman

Quote of the Day

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli

Quote of the Day

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- Donald E. Knuth

Quote of the Day

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

As flames engulf earth, the last human survivor bites his lip, uses the blood to wet his throat & with his final breath, whispers "MAGA."
-- Kumail Nanjiani (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-- William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)

Quote of the Day

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
-- Will Rogers

Quote of the Day

Isn't pomo really one big cover-up for for the failure of the French to write a truly interesting novel ever since a sports car ate Albert Camus?
-- John Leonard

Quote of the Day

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
-- James Blish

Quote of the Day

O! Wanderers in the shadowed land
despair not! For though dark they stand,
all woods there be must end at last,
and see the open sun go past:
the setting sun, the rising sun,
the day's end, or the day begun.
For east or west all woods must fail ...
-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The trinitarian believes a virgin to be the mother of a son who is her maker.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

Quote of the Day

I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting... NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.
-- Eddie Izzard