Quote of the Day

Are you correcting me? Don't correct me! I'm a Pantera's box you do NOT want to open!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Here's my card. It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick. And I don't celebrate any major holidays.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

His power lies apparently in his ability to choose incompetent enemies.
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

I wanted to go to college, so I went to my dad and said, "Dad, can I have a hundred thousand dollars to go to college?" And he said, "Go ask your mother", so I went to her and said "Can I have a hundred thousand to go to college?" And she said, "Ask you father", so I went to him and said "Can I have a hundred thousand?" And he said "Ask your mother." And as I was going to my mother I tripped and hit my head on the coffee table, and my mother said "Fifteen-love, my serve again."
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, forbidden donut.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.
-- Calvin Trillin

Quote of the Day

Mr. Bush is the latest in a string of Republican "Photo-Presidents." Mr. Nixon was the last guy clearly in command, and his people dutifully followed him off the Watergate cliff, like grateful lemmings in grey suits. Mr. Ford, Mr. Reagan, Bushes 41 and 43 clearly are just front men, and all have been fully "staffed," which is wonkspeak for "committee leadership." Imagine ten shady characters actually calling the shots backstage. They have the combined net worth of South America, and the combined IQ of Dan Quayle.
-- B. Rehak

Quote of the Day

On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray

Quote of the Day

Criminals are never very amusing. It's because they're failures. Those who make real money aren't counted as criminals. This is a class distinction, not an ethical problem.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Your music is bad and you should feel bad!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil.
-- Helen Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

What's in a name? That is what we ask ourselves in childhood when we write the name that we are told is ours.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as well.
-- Joel Moses, Algorithms and Complexity, ed. J.F. Traub

Quote of the Day

Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.
-- Martin Mull

Quote of the Day

I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is beter to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

(Religion) With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion
-- Steven Weinberg

Quote of the Day

The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
Or he can, but does not want to;
Or he cannot and does not want to.
If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
Then how come evil in the world?
-- Epicurus

Quote of the Day

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We are Sex Bob-omb! And we're here to watch Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in! One-two-three-four!
-- Kim Pine