Quote of the Day

Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

Strange Obsession

No Pants Parties

Quote of the Day

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

...and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniab le ambig uity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality.
-- Steve Allen

Quote of the Day

My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it.
-- Jacob Bronowski

Quote of the Day

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

True, it returns "" for false, but "" is an even more interesting number than 0.
-- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>

Quote of the Day

Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.
-- Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software

Quote of the Day

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
-- Harry Shearer

Quote of the Day

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)

Quote of the Day

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Why do people keep insisting that I join the twenty-first century? I live in the twenty-first century! I just don't want to be bothered by the shitheads on the internet!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered french toast in the renaissance.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

And then I was confronted with N'Sync, Aerosmith and Britney Spears to*gether*. The trifecta from *Hell*.
-- Lewis Black

Quote of the Day

The sermon was based on what he claimed was a well-known fact, that there were no Atheists in foxholes. I asked Jack what he thought of the sermon afterwards, and he said, "There's a Chaplain who never visited the front."
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
-- Derek 'Stormy' Waters

Quote of the Day

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.
-- Austin Powers

Quote of the Day

Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold.
-- Bob Marley

Quote of the Day

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa