Quote of the Day

You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
-- Professor Frink

Quote of the Day

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

I'd rather be rich than stupid.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It was a sin to want to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to plan to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to figure out a place to feel up Ellen. It was a sin to take Ellen to the place to be felt up. It was a sin to try to feel up Ellen, and it was a sin to feel her up. There were six sins involved in one feel, man!
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Percy, Duke of Northumberland: You know, they do say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Prince Edmund, the Black Adder: Mm! ... What?
Percy: The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.
Edmund: And what's that, exactly?
Percy: Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes [points dramatically] from Galveston.
Edmund: I see. And what about it?
Percy: Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start.
Edmund: I see. And have you ever seen this stone?
Percy: [nods] No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed.
Edmund: And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?
Percy: No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord.
Edmund: And neither have you, presumably.
Percy: No, My Lord.
Edmund: So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Percy: [finally begins to grasp] Yes, My Lord.
Edmund: Percy, in the end, you are about as much use to me as an hole in the head...
-- Prince Edmund, the Black Adder and Percy, Duke of Northumberland (The Black Adder)

Quote of the Day

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

You men, the next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymans rate.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

At the present rate of progress, it is almost impossible to imagine any technical feat that cannot be achieved - if it can be achieved at all - within the next few hundred years.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
-- W. C. Fields

Quote of the Day

In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4

Quote of the Day

You can be a millionaire & never pay taxes! You say, 'Steve, how can I be a millionaire & never pay taxes?' First, get a million dollars. Now, you say, 'Steve, what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door & says, 'You have never paid taxes?' Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: 'I forgot!'
-- Steve Martin

Quote of the Day

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

For the record, folks: I never took a shit on stage, and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywhere was at a Holiday Inn buffet in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

They have the Internet on computers, now?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

You will find men like him in all of the world's religions. They know that we represent reason and science, and, however confident they may be in their beliefs, they fear that we will overthrow their gods. Not necessarily through any deliberate act, but in a subtler fashion. Science can destroy a religion by ignoring it as well as by disproving its tenets. No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, the nonexistance of Zeus or Thor, but they have few followers now.
-- Arthur C. Clarke (Childhood's End)

Quote of the Day

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

This isn't a rental car - it's privately owned.
-- David Byrne (True Stories)

Quote of the Day

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Quote of the Day

Diamonds on velvets on goldens on vixen
On comet & cupid on donner & blitzen
On up & away & afar & a go-go
Escape from the weight of your corporate logo!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

There is only one bad word: taxes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance. It's the thing that makes America great. If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we have tolerated the last eight years?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare

Quote of the Day

The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
-- Jodene Sparks

Quote of the Day

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The road to this paradise was not as comfortable and alluring as the road to the religious paradise; but it has shown itself reliable, and I have never regretted having chosen it.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Alexander Pope

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

When I was a child, the other children in my neighborhood would taunt me, calling me "noodle-head" or "neo-Calvinist" So I would run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap tight and pull me back.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three-thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
-- Bob Uecker

Quote of the Day

echo $package has manual pages available in source form.
echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you."
-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution

Quote of the Day

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

One trend that bothers me is the glorification of stupidity, that the media is reassuring people it's alright not to know anything. That to me is far more dangerous than a little pornography on the Internet.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

Your music is bad and you should feel bad!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

Mr. Pibb is a duplicate of Dr. Pepper, but it’s a bullshit duplicate, because it didn’t even get its degree.
-- Mitch Hedberg

Quote of the Day

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl

Quote of the Day

There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance...
-- Thomas Pynchon (Gravity's Rainbow)

Quote of the Day

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space 'cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
-- Eric Idle

Quote of the Day

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the lightbulb.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

The nanny state is always sticking its nose into our business, from baby seats to motorcycle helmets, yet when I let my baby drive my Harley in a baby seat with a helmet, they call child services.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

Hey Fry, I'm steering with my ass!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that iscontingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being.
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe.
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac

Quote of the Day

This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Unix is hard to learn. The process of learning it is one of multiple small epiphanies. Typically you are just on the verge of inventing some necessary tool or utility when you realize that someone else has already invented it, and built it in, and this explains some odd file or directory or command that you have noticed but never really understood before.
-- Neal Stephenson

Quote of the Day

Barry, there is no hell. There is only France.
-- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"

Quote of the Day

D'oh! English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If the account given in Genesis is really true, ought we not, after all, to thank this serpent? He was the first schoolmaster, the first advocate of learning, the first enemy of ignorance, the first to whisper in human ears the sacred word liberty, the creator of ambition, the author of modesty, of inquiry, of doubt, of investigation, of progress and of civilization.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll, ("The Gods", 1872)

Quote of the Day

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Quote of the Day

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
-- William S. Burroughs

Quote of the Day

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

I have been invited to go to Houston for astronaut training! I never in a million years thought I would see the day when I would want to go to Houston.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Quote of the Day

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

In Vegas, everyone goes everywhere in limos. Las Vegas is just a giant prom night for adults who are very bad at math.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-- Henny Youngman

Quote of the Day

What's in a name? That is what we ask ourselves in childhood when we write the name that we are told is ours.
-- James Joyce

Quote of the Day

You read the Bible in your own special ways
you're fond of quoting certain things it says
Mouth full of righteousness and wrath from above
When do we hear about forgiveness and love?
-- Bruce Cockburn, "Gospel of Bondage"

Quote of the Day

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
-- James Thurber

Quote of the Day

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-- A. Whitney Brown

Quote of the Day

I do not suppose I shall be remembered for anything. But I don't think about my work in those terms. It is just as vulgar to work for the sake of posterity as to work for the sake of money.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
-- William Goldman

Quote of the Day

Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

You can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a bloodthirsty tyrant, but if they can dig up two or three verses that say "God is love," they will claim that *you* are taking things out of context!
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

Jazz washes away the dust of every day life.
-- Art Blakey

Quote of the Day

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
-- Erma Bombeck

Quote of the Day

The level of awe that you get by contemplating the modern scientific view of the universe: deep time (by which I mean geological time), deep space, and what you could call deep complexity, living things..... that level of awe is just orders of magnitude greater and more awe-inspiring than the sort of pokey medieval world-view which the church still actually has. I mean, they sort of pay lip-service to the scientific world-view, but if you listen to what they say on Thought For The Day [a religious program on BBC Radio] and things like that, it is medieval. It's a small world, a small universe, with the sky up there, very little advance since that time. So I yield to nobody in my awe for the universe and for life, but I also have a deep desire to understand it, in terms of what makes it work, what makes it tick, and not to take refuge in spurious non-explanations like "I just believe it because I believe it," that sort of thing.
-- Richard Dawkins, interview with Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce Laverne and Shirley week after week.
-- Dave Barry (The Taming of the Screw)

Quote of the Day

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous, bloodsucking monsters, always wanting more, more, more! And if you give it to 'em, you'll get back plenty in return.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century, and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practise.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

Quote of the Day

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

He don't know me vewy well, DO he?
-- Bugs Bunny

Quote of the Day

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

The intelligent beings in these regions should therefore not be surprised if they observe that their locality in the universe satisfies the conditions that are necessary for their existence. It is a bit like a rich person living in a wealthy neighborhood not seeing any poverty.
-- Stephen Hawking

Quote of the Day

America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

A house is where you put your stuff when you're out buying other stuff.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I don't say that we ought to all misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

You can tell Buddha was never married. Otherwise his wife would have always been saying, "What are you gonna do, sit around like that all day?"
-- Garry Shandling

Quote of the Day

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Quote of the Day

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We're talking about whether any independent contractors working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when the rebels destroyed it.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy --- something like that.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The future ain't what it used to be.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

The argument that the literal story of Genesis can qualify as science collapses on three major grounds: the creationists' need to invoke miracles in order to compress the events of the earth's history into the biblical span of a few thousand years; their unwillingness to abandon claims clearly disproved, including the assertion that all fossils are products of Noah's flood; and their reliance upon distortion, misquote, half-quote, and citation out of context to characterize the ideas of their opponents.
-- Stephen Jay Gould ("The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, Winter 87/88, pg. 186)

Quote of the Day

It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil.
-- Helen Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli

Quote of the Day

They say no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it's about to erupt with the hot molten lava of strategy.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Bad facts make bad laws.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Linux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reason that only children read books with only pictures in them. Language, be it English or something else, is the only tool flexible enough to accomplish a sufficiently broad range of tasks.
-- Bill Garrett

Quote of the Day

Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
-- Steven Wright

Quote of the Day

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Quote of the Day

And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.
-- Archie Bunker

Quote of the Day

In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.

Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you.

He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerfu l, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

The sciences do not try to explain, they hardly even try to interpret, they mainly make models. By a model is meant a mathematical construct which, with the addition of certain verbal interpretations, describes observed phenomena. The justification of such a mathematical construct is solely and precisely that it is expected to work.
-- Johann Von Neumann

Quote of the Day

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

Quote of the Day

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

One of the great attractions of patriotism - it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton

Quote of the Day

I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another where the best fruit is.
-- Terry Pratchett

Outlaw

Mouthpiece

Quote of the Day

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
-- Terry Pratchett (The Truth)

Quote of the Day

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Strippers do nothing for me... but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Perhaps it is a peculiarity of mine that despite the fact that I am a professional performer, it is true that I have always preferred playing without an audience.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander. With blackjack. And hookers. In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party?

Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

Quote of the Day

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

Criminals are never very amusing. It's because they're failures. Those who make real money aren't counted as criminals. This is a class distinction, not an ethical problem.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.
-- John Ciardi

Quote of the Day

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder

Quote of the Day

I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much, of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty, not knowing what comes next.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

I live every day as if it were Taco Tuesday.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

This item demonstrates how stupid the average American is. Every ninety minutes someone in this country is hit by a train. A train, okay? Trains are on tracks; they can't come and get you. They can't surprise you when you step off a curb. You have to go to them. Got that?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Mmmm...fuzzy.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle Moose

Quote of the Day

The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"

Quote of the Day

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
-- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum

Quote of the Day

The foundation of morality should not be made dependent on myth nor tied to any authority lest doubt about the myth or about the legitimacy of the authority imperil the foundation of sound judgment and action.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.
-- Mel Brooks

Quote of the Day

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

I'm starting to suspect there's more than one tri-state area.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their religions.
-- Benjamin Spock

Quote of the Day

I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out, which is the exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
-- Seth MacFarlane

Quote of the Day

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote of the Day

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat.
-- Dizzy Dean

Quote of the Day

It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
-- David St. Hubbins

Quote of the Day

A 7 day waiting period to buy a gun? That's stupid. Nobody can remain mad that long.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

His power lies apparently in his ability to choose incompetent enemies.
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

I believe the Republicans have never thought that democracy was anything but a tribal myth.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

A noble spirit embiggins the smallest man.
-- Jebidiah Springfield

Quote of the Day

It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

Quote of the Day

Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
-- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"

Quote of the Day

You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Oh my God. This is just like that drug trip I saw in that movie while I was on that drug trip.
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
-- Jean-Paul Sartre

Quote of the Day

If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. Learned that the hard way.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

No! No! NO! We're not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody bloody bloody! I hate it! It's so bloody nice! Felicity "Treacle" Kendall and Richard "Sugar-Flavored-Snot" Briars! What do they do now? Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong.
-- Johann Von Neumann

Quote of the Day

Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

[The pamphlet] was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.
-- Terry Pratchett (Monstrous Regiment)

Quote of the Day

We are Sex Bob-omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff.
-- Scott Pilgrim

Quote of the Day

Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Before I do anything I ask myself, "Would an idiot do that?" And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
-- John Ciardi

Quote of the Day

A vital difference between the professional man and a man of business is that money making to the professional man should, by virtue of his assumption, be incidental; to the business man it is primary. Money has its limitations; while it may buy quantity, there is something beyond it and that is quality.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman

Quote of the Day

I went home with a waitress,
The way I always do.
How I was I to know?
She was with the Russians too.

I was gambling in Havana,
I took a little risk.
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
Dad, get me out of this.
-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"

Quote of the Day

There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare

Quote of the Day

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote of the Day

Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Cultivating a manly musk puts opponents on notice.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Sen. Danforth: There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographics material or material glorifying violence?
Tipper Gore: No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me.
Frank Zappa: I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny.
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985

Quote of the Day

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
-- Dave Thomas (Strange Brew)

Quote of the Day

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
-- Charles Babbage

Quote of the Day

Once I posed naked for a magazine. But it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Wavy Gravy at all! And all this time, I've been smoking harmless tobacco.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

Are you correcting me? Don't correct me! I'm a Pantera's box you do NOT want to open!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.
-- Clarence Darrow

Quote of the Day

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Bite my shiny, metal ass!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

It's all Christianity, people. The little, stupid differences are nothing next to the big, stupid similarities.
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Schrute Farms, but as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get all that power back on.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

Inspector Clay is dead! Murdered! And someone's responsible!
-- Detective (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

I regard monotheism as the greatest disaster ever to befall the human race. I see no good in Judaism, Christianity, or Islam -- good people, yes, but any religion based on a single, well, frenzied and virulent god, is not as useful to the human race as, say, Confucianism, which is not a religion but an ethical and educational system.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

I knew an Amish girl who was excommunicated: too Mennonite.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

In the Schrute family, the youngest child always raises the others. I've been raising children since I was a baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

It's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
-- Derek Smalls

Quote of the Day

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- Donald E. Knuth

Quote of the Day

Religion supports nobody. It has to be supported. It produces no wheat, no corn; it ploughs no land; it fells no forests. It is a perpetual mendicant. It lives on the labors of others, and then has the arrogance to pretend that it supports the giver.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Quote of the Day

Non Illegitimus Carborundum.

Quote of the Day

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl

Quote of the Day

It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

John Bolton is like that dickish junior manager at an Applebee's.
-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Day

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'
-- Richard Jeni

Quote of the Day

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

I want science to be taken seriously, because, after all, it's less ephemeral--it has a more eternal aspect than whatever the politics of the day might be, which, of course, gets the lead in the news.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Scientology, how about that? You hold on to the tin cans and then this guy asks you a bunch of questions, and if you pay enough money you get to join the master race. How's that for a religion?
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

You never see animals going through the absurd and often horrible fooleries of magic and religion.... Only man behaves with such gratuitous folly. It is the price he has to pay for being intelligent but not, as yet, quite intelligent enough.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

It looks just like a Telefunken U-47!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I really only listen to like, German death reggae, and Halloween sound effects records from the 1950s... and Bette Midler, obviously.
-- April Ludgate

Quote of the Day

People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen

Quote of the Day

And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I do believe we need to go to a 24-hour fake news channel, Fox can't be the only fake news channel out there!
-- Jon Stewart (The Daily Show)

Quote of the Day

echo $package has manual pages available in source form.
echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you."
-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution

Quote of the Day

I have something to say about the difference between American and European cities. But I've forgotten what it is. I have it written down at home somewhere.
-- David Byrne (True Stories)

Quote of the Day

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman -- stuff you pay good money for in later life.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Day

So once again, we find that evil of the past seeps into the present like salad dressing through cheap wax paper, mixing memory and desire.
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

Totally mad. Utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

We're not your classic heros. We're the other guys.
-- The Shoveler

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

When I meet a man I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon

Quote of the Day

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new elec tricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Quote of the Day

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. That's why I like them. If we could find a way to tax people who are bad at English, science and history I'd be a happy camper.
-- Dana Blankenhorn

Quote of the Day

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed; they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

I'd rather be rich than stupid.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the eighties. Those were idealistic days: the candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp. It was an exciting time to be young.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Ah ha-ha, chess! The ancient contest of wits! Two opponenets: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look! Magnets for ease of travel! You could play chess on the moon!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

I don't want to sound callous. I mean, even if I have nothing to offer, that doesn't matter, because that still doesn't mean that what anybody else has to offer therefore has to be true.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true.
-- H.L. Mencken

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Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.
-- Philip K. Dick

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It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I'm wrong. The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right... Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?
-- Frank Zappa

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...the stereo- type of scientists being scruffy nerds with rows of pens in their top pocket is just about as wicked as racist stereotypes.
-- Richard Dawkins

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I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
-- Jack Handey

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People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

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Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
-- Immanuel Kant

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Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)

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I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
-- Thomas Jefferson

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
-- Dave Barry

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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-- David Letterman

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You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein

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When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
-- Jack Handey

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Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
-- Jack Handey

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What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
-- The Doctor

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-- Stephen Wright

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Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
-- Jack Handey

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When they say, "Gee, it's an information explosion!" --no, it's not an explosion, it's a disgorgement of the bowels is what it is. Every idiotic thing that anybody could possibly write or say or think can get into the body politic now --where before things would have to have some merit to go through the publishing routine, now, anything. And all you're getting is an explosion of useless crap, which added to the other useless crap that was being done originally, only makes it that much worse."
-- Harlan Ellison

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Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

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Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

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Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey

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He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
-- Douglas Adams

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There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp

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Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best.
-- Frank Zappa

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Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain

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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
-- James Joyce

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Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

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I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
-- Terry Pratchett

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In real life it is always the anvil that breaks the hammer.
-- George Orwell

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Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more.
-- Terry Pratchett (Pyramids)

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"Whoopee" was such a beautiful word and then Bob Eubanks had to go and cheapen it.
-- James Urbaniak (via Twitter)

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It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

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The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.

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Mmmm, free goo.
-- Homer J. Simpson

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Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.
-- Aristophanes

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If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
-- African proverb

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Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire

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I have to admit I have a monkey on my back. It represents my crippling addiction to monkeys.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

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Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

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When you're part of a team, you stand up for your teammates. Your loyalty is to them. You protect them through good and bad, because they'd do the same for you.
-- Yogi Berra

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The actual tragedies of life bear no relation to one's preconceived ideas. In the event, one is always bewildered by their simplicity, their grandeur of design, and by that element of the bizzare which seems inherent in them.
-- Jean Cocteau

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Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here; turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale!
-- Ron Swanson

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Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
-- William Goldman

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-- Stephen Wright

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Science Fiction writers, I am sorry to say, really do not know anything. We can't talk about science because our knowledge of it is limited and unofficial, and usually our fiction is dreadful.
-- Philip K. Dick

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I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

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The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory.
-- Cicero

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Eternal suffering awaits all those who question God's infinite love.
-- Bill Hicks

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Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
-- Phillip J. Fry

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Hooray, I'm useful!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

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I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
-- Bender Unit 22