Quote of the Day

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

The nanny state is always sticking its nose into our business, from baby seats to motorcycle helmets, yet when I let my baby drive my Harley in a baby seat with a helmet, they call child services.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

Hey Fry, I'm steering with my ass!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that iscontingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being.
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less important to him than his table or his white robe.
-- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac

Quote of the Day

This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Unix is hard to learn. The process of learning it is one of multiple small epiphanies. Typically you are just on the verge of inventing some necessary tool or utility when you realize that someone else has already invented it, and built it in, and this explains some odd file or directory or command that you have noticed but never really understood before.
-- Neal Stephenson

Quote of the Day

Barry, there is no hell. There is only France.
-- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"

Quote of the Day

D'oh! English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If the account given in Genesis is really true, ought we not, after all, to thank this serpent? He was the first schoolmaster, the first advocate of learning, the first enemy of ignorance, the first to whisper in human ears the sacred word liberty, the creator of ambition, the author of modesty, of inquiry, of doubt, of investigation, of progress and of civilization.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll, ("The Gods", 1872)

Quote of the Day

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Quote of the Day

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
-- William S. Burroughs

Quote of the Day

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

I have been invited to go to Houston for astronaut training! I never in a million years thought I would see the day when I would want to go to Houston.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Quote of the Day

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

In Vegas, everyone goes everywhere in limos. Las Vegas is just a giant prom night for adults who are very bad at math.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-- Henny Youngman