Quote of the Day

The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my broker.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

Oh, there will be a day of reckoning for you, non-believer! A totalling of sums and a snapping of necks, and you will count yourself among the damned!
-- Jodene Sparks

Quote of the Day

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Beware of the fish people, they are the true enemy.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

The road to this paradise was not as comfortable and alluring as the road to the religious paradise; but it has shown itself reliable, and I have never regretted having chosen it.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Alexander Pope

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

When I was a child, the other children in my neighborhood would taunt me, calling me "noodle-head" or "neo-Calvinist" So I would run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap tight and pull me back.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three-thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
-- Bob Uecker

Quote of the Day

echo $package has manual pages available in source form.
echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you."
-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution

Quote of the Day

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

One trend that bothers me is the glorification of stupidity, that the media is reassuring people it's alright not to know anything. That to me is far more dangerous than a little pornography on the Internet.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

Your music is bad and you should feel bad!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

Mr. Pibb is a duplicate of Dr. Pepper, but it’s a bullshit duplicate, because it didn’t even get its degree.
-- Mitch Hedberg

Quote of the Day

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

A quiz: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: me.)
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I want to share something with you -- the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl

Quote of the Day

There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance...
-- Thomas Pynchon (Gravity's Rainbow)

Quote of the Day

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space 'cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
-- Eric Idle

Quote of the Day

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the lightbulb.
-- Homer J. Simpson