Quote of the Day

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all; it's fear.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

The forceps of our minds are clumsy forceps, and crush the truth a little in taking hold of it.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

Quote of the Day

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

He who hasn't hacked assembly language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain.
-- John Moore

Quote of the Day

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

A master drummer must have seven eyes.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

Instant gratification takes too long.
-- Carrie Fisher

Quote of the Day

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
-- Honore de Balzac

Quote of the Day

He was in a quandary...being devoured by the swirling cesspool of his own steaming desires... uh.. the guy was a wreck.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
-- Erma Bombeck

Quote of the Day

You had me at meat tornado.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

Strippers do nothing for me... but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
-- David Brin

Quote of the Day

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-- Henny Youngman

Quote of the Day

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
-- Blaise Pascal

Quote of the Day

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
-- William Gibson