Quote of the Day

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Quote of the Day

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

The future ain't what it used to be.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Way to go Sparks, you broke the monitor and you're dead. Happy?
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The priests used to say that faith can move mountains, and nobody believed them. Today the scientists say that they can level mountains, and nobody doubts them.
-- Joseph Campbell

Quote of the Day

You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century, and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practise.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

Quote of the Day

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.
-- Zaphod Beeblebrox

Quote of the Day

Brought to you by the Booze Council - because Booze really satisfies.
-- Tom Servo

Quote of the Day

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.
-- Sir Richard F. Burton

Quote of the Day

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You must've torn out the "Q" section in my dictionary, because I don't know the meaning of the word "quit"!
-- Mr. Furious