Quote of the Day

Why did this have to happen now, during prime time, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
-- John Cleese

Quote of the Day

It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
-- David St. Hubbins

Quote of the Day

No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

In West Virginia I never stop for gas, because I'm afraid I'll be caught and made someone's mountain wife. And then I'll probably grow to like the guy and end up with ten scrawny, filthy kids named Shane who always ask, "Momma, how come you don't talk like us?"
-- Kathleen Madigan

Quote of the Day

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
-- Lenny Bruce

Quote of the Day

The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought '42 will do' I typed it out. End of story.
-- Douglas Adams (on why "42" is The Answer...)

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Friends: one to three is sufficient.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
-- William Gibson

Quote of the Day

I was in ROTC in college. One day the commander came up to me and said, "Emo, I haven't seen you in camouflage class in six weeks." I replied, "I'm getting good, aren't I?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Work was impossible. The geeks had broken my spirit. They had done too many things wrong. It was never like this for Mencken. He lived like a Prussian gambler -- sweating worse than Bryan on some nights and drunker than Judas on others. It was all a dehumanized nightmare...and these raddled cretins have the gall to complain about my deadlines.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Bad Nerves in Fat City" (Generation of Swine)

Quote of the Day

It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

In the begining there was nothing, and it exploded.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

Talent is cheap, and many talents treat themselves cheaply.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
-- Will Rogers

Quote of the Day

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
-- James T. Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8

Quote of the Day

Barry, there is no hell. There is only France.
-- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"

Quote of the Day

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".
-- Terry Pratchett (The Colour of Magic)

Quote of the Day

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

Instant gratification takes too long.
-- Carrie Fisher