Quote of the Day

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my father.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
-- Harry Shearer

Quote of the Day

Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.
-- Number 6

Quote of the Day

We don't know who they are or where they come from, but we do know that they stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, I heard they said you guys look like dorks.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
-- Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
-- Philippus Paracelsus

Quote of the Day

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an airport' appear.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote of the Day

Are you correcting me? Don't correct me! I'm a Pantera's box you do NOT want to open!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
-- Joe Theismann

Quote of the Day

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I'm about to write you a reality check! Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

This man is costing my health plan five thousand dollars a day! I demand he die with dignity.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup (The C++ Programming Language)

Quote of the Day

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

When the music changes, so does the dance.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

Now, don't you worry. The saucers are up there. The graveyard is out there. But I'll be locked up safely in there.
-- Paula Trent (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

I wanted to go to college, so I went to my dad and said, "Dad, can I have a hundred thousand dollars to go to college?" And he said, "Go ask your mother", so I went to her and said "Can I have a hundred thousand to go to college?" And she said, "Ask you father", so I went to him and said "Can I have a hundred thousand?" And he said "Ask your mother." And as I was going to my mother I tripped and hit my head on the coffee table, and my mother said "Fifteen-love, my serve again."
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty, not knowing what comes next.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

Don't talk to me about the post-modern age. We're not even in the modern age yet for Christ's sake. There are still 150 million people in America who believe in Genesis.
-- Simon Critchley

Quote of the Day

Philosophers say a great deal about what is absolutely necessary for science, and it is always, so far as one can see, rather naive, and probably wrong.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
-- Charles Mingus

Quote of the Day

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
-- Captain Hazel 'Hank' Murphy

Quote of the Day

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Creationist critics often charge that evolution cannot be tested, and therefore cannot be viewed as a properly scientific subject at all. This claim is rhetorical nonsense.
-- Stephen Jay Gould (Dinosaur in a Haystack)

Quote of the Day

Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Men have died for this music. You can't get more serious than that.
-- Dizzy Gillespie

Quote of the Day

I have something to say to the religionist who feels atheists never say anything positive: You are an intelligent human being. Your life is valuable for its own sake. You are not second-class in the universe, deriving meaning and purpose from some other mind. You are not inherently evil--you are inherently human, possessing the positive rational potential to help make this a world of morality, peace and joy. Trust yourself.
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

The intelligent beings in these regions should therefore not be surprised if they observe that their locality in the universe satisfies the conditions that are necessary for their existence. It is a bit like a rich person living in a wealthy neighborhood not seeing any poverty.
-- Stephen Hawking

Quote of the Day

As flames engulf earth, the last human survivor bites his lip, uses the blood to wet his throat & with his final breath, whispers "MAGA."
-- Kumail Nanjiani (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

True ornament is not a matter of prettifying externals. It is organic with the structure it adorns, whether a person, a building, or a park. At its best it is an emphasis of structure, a realization in graceful terms of the nature of that which is ornamented.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)

Quote of the Day

"Whoopee" was such a beautiful word and then Bob Eubanks had to go and cheapen it.
-- James Urbaniak (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance...
-- Thomas Pynchon (Gravity's Rainbow)

Quote of the Day

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
-- Dave Thomas (Strange Brew)

Quote of the Day

One trend that bothers me is the glorification of stupidity, that the media is reassuring people it's alright not to know anything. That to me is far more dangerous than a little pornography on the Internet.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

Math was always my bad subject. I couldn't convince my teachers that many of my answers were meant ironically.
-- Calvin Trillin

Quote of the Day

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

It's tough to have sex during marriage because you're always walking that tight rope between "this again?" and "where did you learn that?"
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.
-- Bill Maher

Quote of the Day

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
-- Eddie Izzard

Quote of the Day

Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
-- Ian Faith

Quote of the Day

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
-- Steven Wright

Quote of the Day

The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

It looks just like a Telefunken U-47!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

When I meet a man I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
-- Robert Heinlein

Quote of the Day

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves and wiser people so full of doubts.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-- Scottish proverb

Quote of the Day

Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
-- A. Whitney Brown

Quote of the Day

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.
-- Joseph Heller

Quote of the Day

Once I got poison ivy on my brain and the only way I could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

Quote of the Day

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
-- Dr. Evil

Quote of the Day

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

When belief in a god dies, the god dies.
-- Harlan Ellison (Deathbird Stories)

Quote of the Day

I like having the capitol of the United States in Washington, D.C., in spite of recent efforts to move it to Lynchburg, Virginia
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

His power lies apparently in his ability to choose incompetent enemies.
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

Here's my card. It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick. And I don't celebrate any major holidays.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

They have the Internet on computers, now?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.
--Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed, and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
-- Henry David Thoreau

Quote of the Day

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
-- Red Forman

Quote of the Day

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

True, it returns "" for false, but "" is an even more interesting number than 0.
-- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>

Quote of the Day

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote of the Day

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl

Quote of the Day

Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

I don't own a computer, or a modem, or anything like that; I still work on a manual typewriter, by choice, and to those who consider me a Luddite I say: Fuck you and yo mama. I operate at the level of technology that best suits my needs. And I type at 120 words per minute --two fingers --I make no mistakes, and my manuscripts are real. You can pick them up and hold them. My typewriter doesn't dump it's memory --I don't lose a book.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Words are the litmus paper of the minds. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word "commence" in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say "Enter", don't stop to pack.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.
-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie

Quote of the Day

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
-- Nelson Muntz

Quote of the Day

I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Talent is cheap, and many talents treat themselves cheaply.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

He wrapped himself in quotations- as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors.
-- Rudyard Kipling

Quote of the Day

You know what, I am gonna have that third steak after all.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Don't tell me God works in mysterious ways. There's nothing so mysterious about it. He's not working at all. He's playing. Or else He's forgotten all about us. That's the kind of God you people talk about- a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverance can you have for a Supreme being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? What in the world was going through that warped, evil, scatalogical mind of His when He robbed old people of the ability to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain....

Who created the dangers? Oh, He was really being charitable to us when He gave us pain! Why couldn't He have used a doorbell instead to notify us, or one of His celestial choirs? Or a system of red and blue neon tubes right in the middle of each person's forehead?....

They certainly look beautiful now, writhing in agony or stupified with morphine, don't they? What a colossal, immortal blunderer! When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering. It's obvious He never met a payroll. Why,no self-respecting businessman would hire a bungler like Him as even a shipping clerk!
-- Yossarian (Catch-22, Joseph Heller)

Quote of the Day

Goddammit! The world is just filling up with more and more idiots! And the computer is giving them access to the world! They're spreading their stupidity! At least they were contained before--now they're on the loose everywhere!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

Imagine the people who believe such things and who are not ashamed to ignore, totally, all the patient findings of thinking minds through all the centuries since the Bible was written. And it is these ignorant people, the most uneducated, the most unimaginative, the most unthinking among us, who would make themselves the guides and leaders of us all... I personally resent it bitterly.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Halelleuia ...
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures," use an atlas or a ham radio.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)

Quote of the Day

It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

You can tell Buddha was never married. Otherwise his wife would have always been saying, "What are you gonna do, sit around like that all day?"
-- Garry Shandling

Quote of the Day

That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn.
-- Hillel the Elder

Quote of the Day

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

I can't believe Liberace was gay! Women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.
-- Austin Powers

Quote of the Day

Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
-- Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)

Quote of the Day

My religion is to do good.
-- Thomas Paine

Quote of the Day

Trying is the first step toward failure.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

A thousand years frozen in carbonite? It'll be so cold!
-- Derek 'Stormy' Waters

Quote of the Day

All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, 52 slices of American cheese.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

The Internet is the most powerful stupidity amplifier ever invented. It's like television without the television part.
-- James "Kibo" Perry

Quote of the Day

Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce Laverne and Shirley week after week.
-- Dave Barry (The Taming of the Screw)

Quote of the Day

Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

Quote of the Day

I've pretty much given up on Michael doing the right thing, or the decent thing, or even the comprehensible thing.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp

Quote of the Day

It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the eighties. Those were idealistic days: the candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp. It was an exciting time to be young.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- into doubt.
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.

Quote of the Day

The actual tragedies of life bear no relation to one's preconceived ideas. In the event, one is always bewildered by their simplicity, their grandeur of design, and by that element of the bizzare which seems inherent in them.
-- Jean Cocteau

Quote of the Day

"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God."

"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller (Catch-22)

Quote of the Day

Do not trust people. They are capable of greatness.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Quote of the Day

The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything.
-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California

Quote of the Day

When they say, "Gee, it's an information explosion!" --no, it's not an explosion, it's a disgorgement of the bowels is what it is. Every idiotic thing that anybody could possibly write or say or think can get into the body politic now --where before things would have to have some merit to go through the publishing routine, now, anything. And all you're getting is an explosion of useless crap, which added to the other useless crap that was being done originally, only makes it that much worse."
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

What have been [Christianity's] fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution.
-- James Madison

Quote of the Day

You men, the next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymans rate.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)

Quote of the Day

You read the Bible in your own special ways
you're fond of quoting certain things it says
Mouth full of righteousness and wrath from above
When do we hear about forgiveness and love?
-- Bruce Cockburn, "Gospel of Bondage"

Quote of the Day

The sermon was based on what he claimed was a well-known fact, that there were no Atheists in foxholes. I asked Jack what he thought of the sermon afterwards, and he said, "There's a Chaplain who never visited the front."
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

Many a long dispute among divines may be thus abridged: It is so; It is not so. It is so; it is not so.
-- Benjamin Franklin (Poor Richard's Almanack, 1743)

Quote of the Day

Science Fiction writers, I am sorry to say, really do not know anything. We can't talk about science because our knowledge of it is limited and unofficial, and usually our fiction is dreadful.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
-- Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
3/4 oz. tequilla
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
1/2 oz. cola
shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
-- Long Island Iced Tea

Quote of the Day

The bassoon is one of my favorite instruments. It has the medieval aroma -- like the days when everything used to sound like that.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Normally, I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. No, I'm kidding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

In West Virginia I never stop for gas, because I'm afraid I'll be caught and made someone's mountain wife. And then I'll probably grow to like the guy and end up with ten scrawny, filthy kids named Shane who always ask, "Momma, how come you don't talk like us?"
-- Kathleen Madigan

Quote of the Day

What's another word for thesaurus?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
-- Oscar Wilde (The Portrait of Mr. W.H.)

Quote of the Day

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power is derived by a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

I was in the basement, playing my favorite game, 'Murder In The Dark.'
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo.
-- Professor Hubert Farnsworth

Quote of the Day

It could not be happening because this sort of thing did not happen. Any contradictory evidence could be safely ignored.
-- Terry Pratchett (Jingo)

Quote of the Day

Fry, of all the friends I've had ... you're the first.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Visits? That would indicate visitors!
-- Air Force Captain (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote of the Day

Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

I don't know what you could say about a day in which you have seen four beautiful sunsets.
-- John Glenn

Quote of the Day

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

A moral choice in its basic terms appears to be a choice that favors survival: a choice made in favor of life.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
-- Pliny the Elder

Quote of the Day

Forget your stupid theme park! I'm gonna make my own! With hookers! And blackjack! In fact, forget the theme park!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton

Quote of the Day

We got somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 states. We could lose a few. I mean, do we really need two Dakotas? And NEW Hampshire? I'm sure the old one's fine.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
-- Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)

Quote of the Day

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle Moose

Quote of the Day

I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
-- Gotama Buddha

Quote of the Day

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

The National Rifle Association says, 'Gun's don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.
-- Eddie Izzard

Quote of the Day

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait... wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

One does not have to appeal to God to set the initial conditions for the creation of the universe, but if one does He would have to act through the laws of physics.
-- Stephen Hawking (Black Holes & Baby Universes)

Quote of the Day

I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.
-- Marcus Procius Cato

Quote of the Day

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
-- Mitch Ratcliffe

Quote of the Day

I believe that it is better to tell the truth than a lie. I believe it is beter to be free than to be a slave. And I believe it is better to know than to be ignorant.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving.
-- Penn Jillette

Quote of the Day

I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I no speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't want to kill you, but I will ..."
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

I think that in philosophical strictness at the level where one doubts the existence of material objects and holds that the world may have existed for only five minutes, I ought to call myself an agnostic; but, for all practical purposes, I am an atheist. I do not think the existence of the Christian God any more probable than the existence of the Gods of Olympus or Valhalla. To take another illustration: nobody can prove that there is not between Earth and Mars a china teapot revolving in an elliptic orbit, but nobody thinks this sufficiently likely to be taken into account in practice. I think the Christian God just as unlikely.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Turkey can never beat cow.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
-- Police Chief Clancy Wiggum

Quote of the Day

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
-- William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)

Quote of the Day

Sham Harga had run a succesful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease, and burnt crunchy bits.
-- Terry Pratchett (Men at Arms)

Quote of the Day

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new elec tricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Quote of the Day

I think the best indication that there is no God is that Stevie Ray Vaughan got killed and Celine Dion reproduced.
-- Kevin Enns (SKEPTIC Mailing List)

Quote of the Day

You drank beer, you played golf, you watched football - WE EVOLVED!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

As great scientists have said and as all children know, it is above all by the imagination that we achieve perception, and compassion, and hope.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Quote of the Day

One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

You can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a bloodthirsty tyrant, but if they can dig up two or three verses that say "God is love," they will claim that *you* are taking things out of context!
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
-- Nigel Tufnel

Quote of the Day

I've recently noticed "as if for the first time" that when people pray they always look "upward" -- i.e. perpendicular to whatever place they're standing -- or kneeling or groveling. I deduce that they conceive of their "god" as topologically isomorphic to a huge donut, about a thousand miles wider than Earth.
-- Robert Anton Wilson

Quote of the Day

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an honest difference of opinion.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Don't start an argument with somebody who has a microphone when you don't. They'll make you look like chopped liver.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

I regard monotheism as the greatest disaster ever to befall the human race. I see no good in Judaism, Christianity, or Islam -- good people, yes, but any religion based on a single, well, frenzied and virulent god, is not as useful to the human race as, say, Confucianism, which is not a religion but an ethical and educational system.
-- Gore Vidal

Quote of the Day

Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray

Quote of the Day

The computer can't tell you the emotional story. It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

They say no man is an island. False! I am an island, and this island is volcanic, and it's about to erupt with the hot molten lava of strategy.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
-- Robert Orben

Quote of the Day

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
-- Honore de Balzac

Quote of the Day

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
-- Diogenes the Cynic

Quote of the Day

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
-- Donald E. Knuth

Quote of the Day

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
-- Umberto Eco

Quote of the Day

That thing could really tow the boat I don't have up the mountain I don't live near.
-- Jon Stewart on the Ford F-150

Quote of the Day

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Either God wants to abolish evil, and cannot;
Or he can, but does not want to;
Or he cannot and does not want to.
If he wants to, but cannot, he is impotent.
If he can, but does not want to, he is wicked.
But, if God both can and wants to abolish evil,
Then how come evil in the world?
-- Epicurus

Quote of the Day

I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

Bad facts make bad laws.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote of the Day

You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
-- Squidward Tentacles

Quote of the Day

I went home with a waitress,
The way I always do.
How I was I to know?
She was with the Russians too.

I was gambling in Havana,
I took a little risk.
Send lawyers, guns, and money,
Dad, get me out of this.
-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"

Quote of the Day

What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone; I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no Health Care. In the wild, Health Care is: ow, I hurt my leg; I can't run; a lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo.
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

We are Sex Bob-omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff.
-- Scott Pilgrim

Quote of the Day

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

Christians, it is needless to say, utterly detest each other. They slander each other constantly with the vilest forms of abuse and cannot come to any sort of agreement in their teaching. Each sect brands its own, fills the head of its own with deceitful nonsense, and makes perfect little pigs of those it wins over to its side.
-- Celsus (2nd Century C.E.)

Quote of the Day

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
-- Richard Jeni

Quote of the Day

I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

Mmmm...open faced club sand wedge.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

As I got up in front of them, I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

It looks just like a Telefunken U-47!
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
-- A.J. Perlis

Quote of the Day

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.
-- Number 6

Quote of the Day

A free press can of course be good or bad, but, most certainly, without freedom it will never be anything but bad.... Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better, whereas enslavement is a certainty of the worse.
-- Albert Camus

Quote of the Day

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

The laws of science be a harsh mistress.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote of the Day

We could jam in Joe's garage,
we didn't have no dope or LSD,
but a coupl'o'quarts o'beer,
would fix it so the intonation,
would not offend your ear.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Why isn't there a name for the meal between breakfast and brunch?
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
-- Terry Pratchett (Equal Rites)

Quote of the Day

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

"What shall we do?" said Twoflower.

"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic was the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent brute!" and "Here, pussy."
-- Terry Pratchett (The Light Fantastic)

Quote of the Day

If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH,' the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

We scientists, whose tragic destiny it has been to make the methods of annihilation ever more gruesome and more effective, must consider it our solemn and transcendent duty to do all in our power in preventing these weapons from being used for the brutal purpose for which they were invented.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
-- Charles Mingus

Quote of the Day

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The study of theology, as it stands in Christian churches, is the study of nothing; it is founded on nothing; it rests on no principles; it proceeds by no authorities; it has no data; it can demonstrate nothing; and it admits of no conclusion.
-- Thomas Paine (The Age of Reason, 1794)

Quote of the Day

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson

Quote of the Day

Bender's a genius!
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Jazz is not dead...it just smells funny.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.
-- Siddhartha Gautama

Quote of the Day

Ah, there's nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning!
-- Doctor John A. Zoidberg

Quote of the Day

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

The road to this paradise was not as comfortable and alluring as the road to the religious paradise; but it has shown itself reliable, and I have never regretted having chosen it.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts at rational thinking. Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable. Since the earliest days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. It was, for centuries, an apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling

Quote of the Day

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth!
-- Henry David Thoreau

Quote of the Day

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Quote of the Day

Equations are the devil's sentences.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Cruelty free? Free-range? This one tastes like it died screaming.
-- Anthony Bourdain

Quote of the Day

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
-- William Baumol

Quote of the Day

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.

Quote of the Day

My girlfriend and I broke up recently, and I must say I am relieved. It gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care. They're your oats.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

It is amazing that when someone else spouts the nonsense you yourself believe you can readily perceive it as nonsense.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

Sen. Danforth: There is nothing on the face of the album which would notify you if the record has pornographics material or material glorifying violence?
Tipper Gore: No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me.
Frank Zappa: I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on the album cover is good indication that it's not for little Johnny.
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985

Quote of the Day

It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I'm best.
-- Edmund, Lord Blackadder (Blackadder II)

Quote of the Day

The intelligent beings in these regions should therefore not be surprised if they observe that their locality in the universe satisfies the conditions that are necessary for their existence. It is a bit like a rich person living in a wealthy neighborhood not seeing any poverty.
-- Stephen Hawking

Quote of the Day

I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.
-- Blue Raja

Quote of the Day

You can be a millionaire & never pay taxes! You say, 'Steve, how can I be a millionaire & never pay taxes?' First, get a million dollars. Now, you say, 'Steve, what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door & says, 'You have never paid taxes?' Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: 'I forgot!'
-- Steve Martin

Quote of the Day

Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst.
-- Thomas Paine

Quote of the Day

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
-- Jodene Sparks

Quote of the Day

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

This man is costing my health plan five thousand dollars a day! I demand he die with dignity.
-- Charles Montgomery Burns

Quote of the Day

I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three-thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
-- Bob Uecker

Quote of the Day

John Bolton is like that dickish junior manager at an Applebee's.
-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Day

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When the music changes, so does the dance.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

This is like deja vu all over again.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

When belief in a god dies, the god dies.
-- Harlan Ellison (Deathbird Stories)

Quote of the Day

To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory.
-- Cicero

Quote of the Day

You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.
-- Archie Bunker