Quote of the Day

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my father.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
-- Harry Shearer

Quote of the Day

Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads off.
-- George Carlin (Brain Droppings)

Quote of the Day

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.
-- Number 6

Quote of the Day

We don't know who they are or where they come from, but we do know that they stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, I heard they said you guys look like dorks.
-- Captain Zapp Brannigan

Quote of the Day

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
-- Marcus Aurelius

Quote of the Day

Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
-- Philippus Paracelsus

Quote of the Day

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an airport' appear.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Quote of the Day

Are you correcting me? Don't correct me! I'm a Pantera's box you do NOT want to open!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
-- Joe Theismann

Quote of the Day

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I'm about to write you a reality check! Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-- Thomas Jefferson