Quote of the Day

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows, but without that noise.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.
-- Henri Poincare

Quote of the Day

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

When the music changes, so does the dance.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

All I wanted was to make the world a better place... and to make an assload of money.
-- Jodene Sparks

Quote of the Day

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the same sense and to the same extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H.L. Mencken

Quote of the Day

I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology.
-- Thomas Jefferson

Quote of the Day

I've recently noticed "as if for the first time" that when people pray they always look "upward" -- i.e. perpendicular to whatever place they're standing -- or kneeling or groveling. I deduce that they conceive of their "god" as topologically isomorphic to a huge donut, about a thousand miles wider than Earth.
-- Robert Anton Wilson

Quote of the Day

So, a graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but you can't make my shoes smell good?
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each other's private parts.
-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"

Quote of the Day

My full name is Bender Bending Rodriguez.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

There is only one bad word: taxes.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Barry, there is no hell. There is only France.
-- Frank Zappa, "You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore"

Quote of the Day

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The sermon was based on what he claimed was a well-known fact, that there were no Atheists in foxholes. I asked Jack what he thought of the sermon afterwards, and he said, "There's a Chaplain who never visited the front."
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Strippers do nothing for me... but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Ninety percent of everything is crap.
-- Theodore Sturgeon

Quote of the Day

To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
-- The Sphinx

Quote of the Day

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when I walk into an open sewer and die.
-- Mel Brooks

Quote of the Day

If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Quote of the Day

Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
Everyone is looking for the answer,
Well look again.
-- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"

Quote of the Day

You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Perhaps it is a peculiarity of mine that despite the fact that I am a professional performer, it is true that I have always preferred playing without an audience.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Quote of the Day

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-- Samuel Johnson

Quote of the Day

True, it returns "" for false, but "" is an even more interesting number than 0.
-- Larry Wall in <199707300650.XAA05515@wall.org>

Quote of the Day

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules,often with the assistence of unsuspecting musicians.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

echo $package has manual pages available in source form.
echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you."
-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution

Quote of the Day

A noble spirit embiggins the smallest man.
-- Jebidiah Springfield

Quote of the Day

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman -- stuff you pay good money for in later life.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

The creed whose legitimacy is most easily challenged is likely to develop the strongest proselytizing impulse. It is doubtful whether a movement which does not profess some preposterous and patently irrational dogma can be possessed of that zealous drive which "must either win men or destroy the world." It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between profession and practice-that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their faith on others.
-- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer, 1951, section 88

Quote of the Day

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
-- HP Lovecraft

Quote of the Day

One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

I don't say that we ought to all misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

When a nice clean brain tumbles into the dirty street to lay among the discarded wrappers and spat-out gum wads of wickedness, you can't just pick it up and wash it off with soap and water; you have to think it clean from the inside out!
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

All of us were slowly losing that intellectual light that allows you always to tell the similar from the identical, the metaphorical from the real.
-- Umberto Eco

Quote of the Day

Like the wind crying endlessly through the universe, Time carries away the names and the deeds of conquerors and commoners alike. And all that we are, all that remains, is in the memories of those who cared we came this way for a brief moment.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost.
-- S. Kelly-Bootle (The Devil's DP Dictionary)

Quote of the Day

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures," use an atlas or a ham radio.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Quote of the Day

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

One of the great attractions of patriotism - it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

The answer to this is very simple. It was a joke. It had to be a number, an ordinary, smallish number, and I chose that one. Binary representations, base thirteen, Tibetan monks are all complete nonsense. I sat at my desk, stared into the garden and thought '42 will do' I typed it out. End of story.
-- Douglas Adams (on why "42" is The Answer...)

Quote of the Day

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"

Quote of the Day

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

For the record, folks: I never took a shit on stage, and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywhere was at a Holiday Inn buffet in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon

Quote of the Day

...it bugs me when people try to analyze jazz as an intellectual theorem. It's not. It's feeling.
-- Bill Evans

Quote of the Day

[The pamphlet] was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.
-- Terry Pratchett (Monstrous Regiment)

Quote of the Day

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
-- Emo Philips

Quote of the Day

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
-- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller

Quote of the Day

Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more.
-- Terry Pratchett (Pyramids)

Quote of the Day

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

Oh my God. This is just like that drug trip I saw in that movie while I was on that drug trip.
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

I'd rather be rich than stupid.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

There is no nonsense so arrant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast majority by adequate government action.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.
-- Psalm 137:9

Quote of the Day

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

The actual tragedies of life bear no relation to one's preconceived ideas. In the event, one is always bewildered by their simplicity, their grandeur of design, and by that element of the bizzare which seems inherent in them.
-- Jean Cocteau

Quote of the Day

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes.
-- Aaron McGruder

Quote of the Day

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the wish to find out, which is the exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Supermodels usually don't date guys who live in the dirt.
-- The Tick

Quote of the Day

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
-- Douglas Adams

Quote of the Day

It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil.
-- Helen Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
-- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

Quote of the Day

If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
-- David Letterman

Quote of the Day

What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: "Why is it so dark in here?"
-- Terry Pratchett (Pyramids)

Quote of the Day

And don't ever fucking send me a Breitbart link to prove your point. That's like sending someone a sack of rabbit heads to prove you're not insane.
-- The Rude Pundit

Quote of the Day

Hollywood is a gold-plated suburb suitable for golfers, gardeners, assorted middlemen, and contented movies stars. I am none of these things.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure!
-- Max Bialystock

Quote of the Day

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.
-- H.G. Wells

Quote of the Day

When the end time comes and you're tilling the Earth with a human femur while the sky is raining fire, you're gonna want a reliable supply of radicchio and mini-squash.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
-- Terry Pratchett (Equal Rites)

Quote of the Day

One does not need to puzzle long over why religionists hate atheists so venomously. Atheist stir up the suppressed doubts of believers to the point of producing anguish. This is the anguish that incited believers to burn heretics and atheists at the stake in olden times to remove the source of the unsettling, disturbing doubts that plagued the believers.
-- C. W. Dalton (The Right Brain and Religion)

Quote of the Day

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
-- African proverb

Quote of the Day

I used to think it was a terrible thing that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'what if life *were* fair, and all of the terrible things that happen to us came because we really deserved them?' Now I take great comfort in the general unfairness and hostility of the universe.
-- Marcus Cole (Babylon 5)

Quote of the Day

America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill." I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
-- Demetri Martin

Quote of the Day

We could jam in Joe's garage,
we didn't have no dope or LSD,
but a coupl'o'quarts o'beer,
would fix it so the intonation,
would not offend your ear.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question.
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Quote of the Day

Turkey can never beat cow.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

The universe may have a purpose, but nothing we know suggests that, if so, this purpose has any similarity to ours.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Science Fiction writers, I am sorry to say, really do not know anything. We can't talk about science because our knowledge of it is limited and unofficial, and usually our fiction is dreadful.
-- Philip K. Dick

Quote of the Day

Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller

Quote of the Day

I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that iscontingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being.
-- Dan Barker (Losing Faith in Faith)

Quote of the Day

Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD

Quote of the Day

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death.
-- Eddie Izzard

Quote of the Day

Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.
-- Aristophanes

Quote of the Day

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
-- Sandra Boynton

Quote of the Day

All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and the kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
-- Professor Frink

Quote of the Day

What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
-- The Doctor

Quote of the Day

Oh sweet information superhighway, what bring you me from the depths of cyberspace?
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce Laverne and Shirley week after week.
-- Dave Barry (The Taming of the Screw)

Quote of the Day

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Quote of the Day

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
-- Charles Babbage

Quote of the Day

If you ever require a picture of resentful apathy, check out any background munchkin in the Wizard of Oz. Also, I think it's shameful to try to pin the collapse of the lollipop industry on the lollipop guild.
-- John Hodgman

Quote of the Day

It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
-- David St. Hubbins

Quote of the Day

I'm starting to suspect there's more than one tri-state area.
-- Stephen Colbert

Quote of the Day

Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.
-- Siddhartha Gautama

Quote of the Day

FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
-- A.J. Perlis

Quote of the Day

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
-- Erma Bombeck

Quote of the Day

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton

Quote of the Day

I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

Care to contribute to the Anti-Mugging-You Fund?
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

No! No! NO! We're not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody bloody bloody! I hate it! It's so bloody nice! Felicity "Treacle" Kendall and Richard "Sugar-Flavored-Snot" Briars! What do they do now? Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be the homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

Isn't pomo really one big cover-up for for the failure of the French to write a truly interesting novel ever since a sports car ate Albert Camus?
-- John Leonard

Quote of the Day

People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen

Quote of the Day

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

The big thieves hang the little ones.
-- Czech Proverb

Quote of the Day

Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman

Quote of the Day

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Day

I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Someday, I want to go to a site that proclaims a miracle and see a real miracle, like a pie miraculously floating above my keyboard, or a MySpace page that doesn't look like technicolor vomit.
-- PZ Myers

Quote of the Day

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, sacrilicious.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
-- Vince Lombardi