Quote of the Day

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
-- Erma Bombeck

Quote of the Day

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If only more Christians read their bibles there'd be less Christians.
-- Derek W. Clayton

Quote of the Day

I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

Care to contribute to the Anti-Mugging-You Fund?
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.
-- Dwight Kurt Schrute III

Quote of the Day

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Quote of the Day

No! No! NO! We're not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody bloody bloody! I hate it! It's so bloody nice! Felicity "Treacle" Kendall and Richard "Sugar-Flavored-Snot" Briars! What do they do now? Chocolate bloody Button ads, that's what! They're just a couple of reactionary stereotypes, confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric - and I - HATE - THEM!
-- Vyvyan Basterd

Quote of the Day

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be the homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
-- Terry Pratchett (Small Gods)

Quote of the Day

It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
-- Philip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

Isn't pomo really one big cover-up for for the failure of the French to write a truly interesting novel ever since a sports car ate Albert Camus?
-- John Leonard

Quote of the Day

People say don't give homeless people money. "They'll only spend it on booze or drugs." I think, hey, the guy's living in a box, maybe he needs a drink.
-- Jake Johannsen

Quote of the Day

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

The big thieves hang the little ones.
-- Czech Proverb

Quote of the Day

Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
-- Kent Brockman

Quote of the Day

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
-- Jon Stewart

Quote of the Day

I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

I love treason but hate a traitor.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar

Quote of the Day

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

Someday, I want to go to a site that proclaims a miracle and see a real miracle, like a pie miraculously floating above my keyboard, or a MySpace page that doesn't look like technicolor vomit.
-- PZ Myers

Quote of the Day

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Mmmm, sacrilicious.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
-- Vince Lombardi