Quote of the Day

I don't say that we ought to all misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
-- Orson Welles

Quote of the Day

You can tell Buddha was never married. Otherwise his wife would have always been saying, "What are you gonna do, sit around like that all day?"
-- Garry Shandling

Quote of the Day

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Quote of the Day

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner

Quote of the Day

The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful.
-- Ron Swanson

Quote of the Day

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

We're talking about whether any independent contractors working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when the rebels destroyed it.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy --- something like that.
-- Jack Handey