Quote of the Day

And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit!
-- The Tick

2005: Yet Another Year in Review

Quote of the Day

I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!
-- Mr. Furious

Quote of the Day

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it.
-- Jacob Bronowski

Quote of the Day

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.
-- Frank Zappa

IRONIC TIMES MAN OF THE YEAR

From trying to convince Congress to legalize torture to defending the President's right to spy on his fellow citizens to questioning the patriotism of administration critics, nobody represented the freedom-loving American spirit better than Vice President Dick Cheney, our Man of the Year for 2005.
-- Ironic Times [Dec. 26, 2005-Jan. 1, 2006 edition]

Quote of the Day

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
-- Jack Handey

Santa Claus comes for you

Quote of the Day

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

Trying is the first step toward failure.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
-- Al Franken

Quote of the Day

What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Quote of the Day

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
-- Samuel Johnson

Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

(www.theonion.com)

WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday. Enlarge ImageActivist Judge Cancels Christmas

"In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful," Judge Reinhardt said. "The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesus—be it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst families—is in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded."

In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Vacaciones Felices" if they wish to extend good tidings.

Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.

"Sorry, kids, no Christmas this year," Beloit, WI mall Santa Gene Ernot said as he was led away from his Santa's Village in leg irons. "Write to your congressman to put a stop to these liberal activist judges. It's up to you to save Christmas! Ho ho ho!"

Said Pvt. Stanley Cope, who tasered Ernot for his outburst: "We're fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge."

Across America, the decision of the all-powerful liberal courts was met with shock and disappointment, as American families quietly took down their holiday decorations and canceled their plans to gather and make merry.

"They've been chipping away at Christmas rights for decades," Fox News personality John Gibson said. "Even before this ruling, you couldn't hear a Christmas song on the radio or in a department store. I hate to say it, America, but I told you so." Enlarge ImageActivist Judge Cancels Christmas

Gibson then went into hiding, vowing to be a vital part of the Christmas resistance that would eventually triumph and bring Christmas back to the United States and its retail stores.

The ban is not limited to the retail sector. In support of Reinhardt's ruling, Sen. Ted Kennedy, a Jew, introduced legislation that would mandate the registration of every Christian in the United States and subject their houses to random searches to ensure they are not celebrating Christmas.

"Getting rid of every wreath or nativity scene is not enough," Kennedy said. "In order to ensure that Americans of every belief feel comfortable in any home or business, we must eliminate all traces of this offensive holiday. My yellow belly quakes with fear at the thought of offending any foreigners, atheists, or child molesters."

"Why did the bad man take away Christmas?" 5-year-old Danny Dover said. "I made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it to her."

Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door, removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his homemade card underfoot.

A broad, bipartisan coalition of lawmakers has been working closely with the White House, banding together in the hope of somehow overruling the decision. So far, however, their efforts have been fruitless.

"Our hearts go out to the Americans this ruling affects," Sen. Chip Pickering (R-MS) said. "If it's any condolence, I wish you all a Happy Holidays, which, I'm afraid, is all I'm legally allowed to say at this time."

Cthulhu takes on the Holiday spirit

Cthulhu Carols:

Over the River and through the Woods

Over the River and through the Woods
To the Plateau of Leng we go
We hope that someday
we can finally say
that we saw the god on the slooo ope

Over the River and through the Woods
To Kadath so cold we go
Nightgaunts pull the sleigh
to hurry their way
past the Shantaks O, we hooo ope

Over the River and through the Woods
I fear that we've gone too far
the Gods don't condone
a mortal at home
farewell those who listened this far......

Great Old Ones Are Coming to Town

You'd better watch out; you better go hide.
And Elder Sign's needed for this Yuletide
Great Old Ones are comin to town.nd shaking it twice.
They're going to hit you, naughty or nice.
Great Old Ones are coming to town.

They're bringing ugly Shuggoths,
And horrid Deep Ones too,
Shub Niggurath is waking up
And so is Cthulhu

So you better watch out, you'd better go 'way,
Before the big guy comes up from R'lyeh.
Great Old Ones are coming to town.

O Come All Ye Deep Ones

Lyrics by A.H. Leman to the tune of "O Come All Ye Faithful" by John Reading

O come all ye Deep Ones,
Mi-Go, Ghouls and Nightgaunhts;
Come foul Shub Niggurath and all Ancient Ones.
Come Great Cthulhom the ocean.

CHORUS
O come, let us abhor them,
O come, let us abhor them,
O come, let us abhor them,
Scream, run and hide.

Their old dominion
Mankind now rules blithely,
Stars turning overhead to bring forth his doom.
They will return here, greedy and malevolent.
CHORUS

Quote of the Day

The theory of evolution by cumulative natural selection is the only theory we know of that is in principle capable of explaining the existence of organized complexity.
-- Richard Dawkins

Quote of the Day

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp

Quote of the Day

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.
-- Philip K. Dick

Mmmm, Satanic Coffee

Quote of the Day

Do not worry about your problems in mathematics. I assure you, my problems with mathematics are much greater than yours.
-- Albert Einstein

Potential

Quote of the Day

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
-- Immanuel Kant

Quote of the Day

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Quote of the Day

... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- into doubt.
-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.

Quote of the Day

No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence.
-- ALGOL 68 Report

Quote of the Day

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

Quote of the Day

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
-- Chinese proverb

Quote of the Day

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
-- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)

Quote of the Day

Don't start an argument with somebody who has a microphone when you don't. They'll make you look like chopped liver.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

One trend that bothers me is the glorification of stupidity, that the media is reassuring people it's alright not to know anything. That to me is far more dangerous than a little pornography on the Internet.
-- Carl Sagan

Quote of the Day

One of the great attractions of patriotism - it fulfills our worst wishes. In the person of our nation we are able, vicariously, to bully and cheat. Bully and cheat, what's more, with a feeling that we are profoundly virtuous.
-- Aldous Huxley

Quote of the Day

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-- W. Somerset Maugham

Quote of the Day

Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-- George Carlin

Mommy says...

Quote of the Day

When you're part of a team, you stand up for your teammates. Your loyalty is to them. You protect them through good and bad, because they'd do the same for you.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

Archie was the bitch and Jughead was the butch. That's why he was always going around wearing that crown-looking hat. He was the king of queen Archie's world.
-- Hooper LaMont

Quote of the Day

All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Booze takes a dull party and makes it better!
-- Joel Robinson

Quote of the Day

You know what's remarkable? That England looks in no way like Southern California.
-- Austin Powers

Quote of the Day

Only fools are positive.
-- Moe Howard

Quote of the Day

Bring me a creationist who doesn't lie, deceive, distort and distract then I will show you a whole lot of thin air!
-- Clayton Forno

Quote of the Day

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-- Ernest Rutherford

Quote of the Day

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-- Jack Handey

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See it in action here. Check out the the last 30 quotes of the day.

Quote of the Day

Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
-- Berry Kercheval

Quote of the Day

The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural for them to despise science fiction.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction"

Microsoft Keyboard

Quote of the Day

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today.
-- Isaac Asimov

Quote of the Day

Every Christmas my mom would get a fresh goose, for gooseburgers, and my dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.
-- Phillip J. Fry

Quote of the Day

You can live in your dreams, but only if you are worthy of them.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.
-- Dave Barry

The Ultimate Star Trek DVD Collection

The Ultimate Star Trek Collection

The Ultimate Star Trek Collection: List Price: $3,908.99, though Amazon has it for only $2,499.99. This collection included 212 discs covering all the series and motion pictures:

• Star Trek The Original Series: The Complete Seasons 1-3
• Star Trek The Next Generation: The Complete Seasons 1-7
• Star Trek Deep Space Nine: The Complete Seasons 1-7
• Star Trek Voyager: The Complete Seasons 1-7
• Star Trek Enterprise: The Complete Seasons 1-4
• Star Trek: The Motion Picture
• Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan
• Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
• Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
• Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
• Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
• Star Trek: Generations
• Star Trek: First Contact
• Star Trek: Insurrection
• Star Trek: Nemesis

Quote of the Day

The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer.
-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"

Quote of the Day

See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

It had never occurred to me before that music and thinking are so much alike. In fact you could say music is another way of thinking, or maybe thinking is another kind of music.
-- Ursula K. Le Guin

Church That Bush, Cheney belong to Calls for Withdrawal from Iraq

Members of United Methodist Church can “go fuck themselves,” says Vice President.
-- Ironic times, Monday, November 7, 2005

Quote of the Day

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

Quote of the Day

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

Quote of the Day

There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another.
-- Frank Zappa

Quote of the Day

His power lies apparently in his ability to choose incompetent enemies.
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
-- Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Quote of the Day

It is not easy to see how the more extreme forms of nationalism can long survive when men have seen the Earth in its true perspective as a single small globe against the stars.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
-- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Quote of the Day

Wish in one hand, crap in the other, and see which piles up first!
-- Crow T. Robot

Quote of the Day

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adams

Congratulations!

Click here.

Quote of the Day

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Liquor Heads are Refused

Quote of the Day

Don't start an argument with somebody who has a microphone when you don't. They'll make you look like chopped liver.
-- Harlan Ellison

Quote of the Day

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python

Quote of the Day

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

You will find men like him in all of the world's religions. They know that we represent reason and science, and, however confident they may be in their beliefs, they fear that we will overthrow their gods. Not necessarily through any deliberate act, but in a subtler fashion. Science can destroy a religion by ignoring it as well as by disproving its tenets. No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, the nonexistance of Zeus or Thor, but they have few followers now.
-- Arthur C. Clarke, Childhood's End

Quote of the Day

In my land, women are for advancing the race, not for fighting man's battles.
-- Eros (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Yet Another Web Page

I slapped together this lame web page:

And you may ask yourself, "WTF is going on here?"

This page is a sort of test page for CGI programs, PHP code, JavaScript tidbits, and other fancy web stuff.

Quote of the Day

If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.
-- John Stuart Mill

Quote of the Day

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.
-- George Carlin, Brain Droppings

Quote of the Day

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
-- Homer J. Simpson

Oh, the Smurfanity!

Quote of the Day

The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves and wiser people so full of doubts.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
-- Robert Orben

Dr. Evil

Quote of the Day

There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Quote of the Day

In the year 415, the woman scientist Hypatia, head of the legendary Alexandria library, was beaten to death by Christian monks who considered her a pagan. The leader of the monks, Cyril, was canonized a saint
-- James A. Haught (Free Inquiry, Winter 1996/1997)

Quote of the Day

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
-- George Carlin

Quote of the Day

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker

Quote of the Day

Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each other? Like those sailors did in that film, um..."We Ended Up Having To Eat Each Other."
-- Neil Pye

Quote of the Day

Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
-- Reverend Timothy Lovejoy

Quote of the Day

Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun.
-- Nelson Muntz

Hmmmmm

What will right wing homophobic war mongers make of this?

Quote of the Day

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
-- Richard P. Feynman

Quote of the Day

Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.
-- The Sphinx

Wookies!

Quote of the Day

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

DeLay and Texas House Speaker Tom Craddick may have achieved the near-impossible by breaking Texas campaign finance laws. Since Texas essentially has no campaign finance laws, this is no mean feat.
--Molly Ivins

Quote of the Day

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite.
-- Bertrand Russell

Tee Hee

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President George W Bush his daily briefing on the war in Iraq.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the Commander-in-Chief sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up with a puzzled look on his face, and asks:

"Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Quote of the Day

Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
-- Mister Boffo

Bah Dum Ching!

Q. How long does it take George Bush to read a book?
A. Nobody knows - it's never been done

Quote of the Day

If we take in hand any volume-- of divinity or school metaphysics, for instance,-- let us ask, Does it contain any abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number? No. Does it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matters of fact and existence? No. Commit it then to the flames, for it can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion.
-- David Hume, An Inquiry Concerning Human Understanding

Armed Dolphins Released Into Gulf of Mexico

Armed and dangerous - Flipper the firing dolphin let loose by Katrina

What about the sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?

Quote of the Day

I can imagine no greater misfortune for a cultured people than to see in the hands of the rulers not only the civil, but also the religious power.
-- Caius Valerius Catullus

Where has she been all my life?

Quote of the Day

A one sentence definition of mythology?
"Mythology" is what we call someone else's religion.
-- Joseph Campbell

Arrrgh!

If pirates ruled the world

AND

Does Tony LaRussa know about this?

Out The Cardinals

Quote of the Day

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power.
-- David Brin

Quote of the Day

Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country.
-- Hermann Goering

Top Magazines to Read In the Oval Office Waiting Room

From today's Ironic Times:

1. Incompetence Today
2. Callous Disregard Monthly
3. Unscientific American
4. Modern Interrogation
5. Greed, Stupidity & Discrimination Review
6. Conquest Magazine
7. Religious Intolerance Digest
8. Mountaintop Removal Quarterly
9. Avarice Weekly
10. Contemporary Conspicuous Consumption

Quote of the Day

If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that.
-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.

Mini-Microsoft

Hmmmmmm...

Quote of the Day

It will yet be the proud boast of women that they never contributed a line to the Bible.
-- George W. Foote

The True Idiot

Get a load of this clown.

Quote of the Day

Many a time in the past six years I have bit my tongue so I wouldn't annoy people with the always obnoxious observation, "I told you so." But, dammit it all to hell, I did tell you, and I've been telling you since 1994, and I am so sick of this man and everything he represents -- all the sleazy, smug, self-righteous graft and corruption and "Christian" moralizing and cynicism and tax cuts for all his smug, rich buddies. Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.
-- Molly Ivins

New Pledge of Allegiance Proposed

From today's Ironic Times:

I pledge allegiance to the Chinese-made flag and to the Republicans for which it stands, one nation under a Christian God, hopelessly divided, with limited liberty and delayed justice for all.

Quote of the Day

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
-- Voltaire

You just can't trust anyone anymore

Well, if you can't even trust a hitman..

TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese woman called in the police after a hitman she paid to kill her lover's wife failed to carry out the job.

The 32-year-old Tokyo woman was arrested Wednesday for incitement to murder, the Daily Yomiuri newspaper said Friday.

The woman contacted a private detective through a Web site last November and paid him 1 million yen in cash to murder her love rival, the paper said.

The 40-year-old detective accepted the money and suggested he could carry out the job by chasing the victim on a motorcycle and spraying her with a biological agent in a tunnel.

Police also arrested the private detective and found the alleged target safe and well, the paper said.

Quote of the Day

The creed whose legitimacy is most easily challenged is likely to develop the strongest proselytizing impulse. It is doubtful whether a movement which does not profess some preposterous and patently irrational dogma can be possessed of that zealous drive which "must either win men or destroy the world." It is also plausible that those movements with the greatest inner contradiction between profession and practice-that is to say with a strong feeling of guilt-are likely to be the most fervent in imposing their faith on others.
-- Eric Hoffer, The True Believer, 1951, section 88

Worst Disaster to hit the U.S.

Quote of the Day

Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
-- Dave Thomas, Strange Brew

Redundant Redundancy

No totally redundant web log would be complete without a link to a redundant web page.

Quote of the Day

In the year 415, the woman scientist Hypatia, head of the legendary Alexandria library, was beaten to death by Christian monks who considered her a pagan. The leader of the monks, Cyril, was canonized a saint
-- James A. Haught (Free Inquiry, Winter 1996/1997)

Google Blog Search

Google Blog Search beta is online.

Quote of the Day

Basically, Intelligent Design is the idea that life on earth is too complex to have evolved without a guiding hand. We're not saying it's god, just someone with the basic skill set to create an entire universe.
-- Jon Stewart

URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED

Another moldy oldy from the archives...

FROM:PRNCSS. L ORGANA

DEAR friend.

I AM PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA ONLY SURVIVOR OF THE ROYAL FAMILY OF ALDERAN (ALDRN).

I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER, THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATION.

I WAS FALSLEY IMPRISONED UPON THE IMPERIAL BATTLESTATION ("DEATH STAR") WHEN MY PLANET WAS HIDEOUSLY DESTROYED AND ENDED BY THE VERY BAD SITH LORD VADER.

I ESCAPED ALONG WITH THE AID OF BRAVE REBELS AND WOOKIES, AND AM NOW I AM LYING LOW DUE TO THE SITUATION IN THE 4TH MOON OF YAVIN TILL WHEN THINGS GETS BETTER.

I HAVE CONTROL HERE OF THE SUM OF $25, MILLIONNN IN IMPERIAL CREDITS DEPOSITED WITH A SECURITY COMAPNY FOR SAFEKEEPING ON TATOOINE.

THE FUNDS WERE SHIPPED BY A COURIER SERVICE AS DIPLOMATIC ITEMS OF HIGH VALUES TO PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THE CONTENT.

WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO friend IS TO INDICATE YOUR INTEREST THAT YOU WILL ASSIST ME BY RECEIVING THE MONEY ON OUR BEHALF ON TATOOINE AND ASSIST IN INVESTING THIS MONEY IN ANY LUCRATIVE BUSINESS LIKE MOISTURE FARMS AND STOCK IN MULTI-PLANETARY COMPANIES AND OTHER SAFE LUCRATIVE INVESTMENT IN YOUR SECTOR.

MAY I AT THIS POINT EMPHASISE THE HIGH LEVEL OF CONFIDENTIALITY, WHICH THIS BUSINESS DEMANDS, AND HOPE YOU WILL NOT BETRAY THE TRUST AND CONFIDENCE WHICH I REPOSE IN YOU.

IN CONCLUSION,IN THE EVENT YOU ARE INTRESTED TO ASSIST ME I WILL LIKE YOU TO CONTACT MY LAWYER WHO I HAVE STATIONED IN MOS EISLEY TO WITHNESS THE TRANSACTION TO IT'S CONCLUTION.

YOU CAN REACH HIM ON HIS DIRECT LINE VIA MAIL watto@moseisley.org, HIS NAME IS WATTO THE TOYDARIAN, I HAVE THE FULL TRUST IN HIM.

FINALLY, I HAVE SET ASIDE 15% OF THE TOTAL SUM OF THE FUNDS FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE,AND 5% FOR ANY ESPENCES THAT SHALL BE INCURED DURING THIS TRANSACTION.PLEASE BE FREE TO DISCUSS WITH MY LAWYER.

I SINCERELY WILL APPRECAITE YOUR ACKNOWLEDGMENT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

HELP US, friend, YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.

BEST REGARDS,
PRNCSS. L. ORGAN

Quote of the Day

It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-- Frank Zappa

Please help

Another one from the archives...

Subject: Please help

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am Mr Dick Cheney a special adviser on Petroleum and economic matters to the Head of State of The United States of America. Because of my strategic position in the former Government, and also being a close confidant of the Head of State, I was able to acquire personally, the Sum of $25,000,000,000.00USD (twenty-five billion United States Dollars) presently lodged in some offshore sham bank owned by his brother Neil.

I made this money largely through "CONSULTANCY FEE" And "Good Faith Fees" paid by the stupid chimp out of the public treasury, it really didn't matter what I wrote on the invoice. I especially loved writing out the "Good Faith" bills. The little monkey would say "this is for Jeezus, right Unka Dick?" and I'd say "yes Dubya, its kinda like a 'free will offering'. LOL. Texas is the 6th largest Producer/Exporter of Crude Petroleum in the world and The Largest Producer/Exporter of fucking morons.

As you are probably aware The United States of America is prone to Political/Economic Instability, HyperInflation, among other problems. I know, things were pretty cool here for the last ten years or so but with this dipshit at the wheel I'm thinking its time to git while the gittin's good. I have therefore resolved to Invest my money abroad, preferably in Real Estate Properties and Sex Toys for safety and optimum returns on Investments.

However, straight transfer of this money into a bank Abroad will present two major problems:

1. The tax incidence will be too high, even with the idiotic tax cut the chimp managed to get through our congress the taxes are too much. My mama didn't raise no fool. I've never paid taxes and I ain't about to start now.

2. This could look really, really bad.

So as a result of my personal greed, which borders on the psychopathic, I've had to find another plan. The solution is to Courier this money in cash abroad, through Courier Service Company here in the USA, the money will be packed in A Diplomatic Bag or Carton tagged Diplomatic luggage which will be addressed to you. This system is secret and the money is therefore untraceable. It is the System used by most top Government officials in the USA to remove their fortunes to safety abroad.

I have therefore concluded every arrangement with a Courier Company in Wyoming to Courier this money abroad using the courtesy and safety of Diplomatic Bag (TM). All I now need is an honest partner who can receive the money on my behalf and help me to invest as aforementioned.

There is absolutely no risk involved in this transaction as the money will be delivered to you in United States Dollars Bills. Try not to throw your back out dude.

If you are interested in assisting me, please send me an email immediately, as you are to lodge this money in a bank Account and contact me for necessary arrangements for the investment after acknowledgement of the receipt of the money.

For your help and assistance in this deal, you will receive 30% of this money in cash, 10% will be set aside to offset all expenses while the remaining 60% is for me.

Finally, you are to please urgently email your personal phone and fax numbers for an easy communication and for me to instruct the Courier Company to dispatch the money to you before we go into other necessary details.

Expecting to hear from you.

Best regards,

Dick Cheney

Quote of the Day

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.
-- Arturo Toscanini

Jesus Death-bot

Let's hope we can get these in time for the holidays. :)

Quote of the Day

#define SIOCGIFINDEX 0x8933 /* name -> if_index mapping */
#define SIOGIFINDEX SIOCGIFINDEX /* misprint compatibility :-) */
-- /usr/include/bits/ioctls.h

Diary of an AOL User

Here's a oldy but a goody form the archives...

Diary of an AOL User

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. I'M NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

Quote of the Day

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"

Covering all your bases

I've always wondered what YMCA stood for. :)

Quote of the Day

George Bush hates midgets.
-- Chris Rock

Quote of the Day

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
-- Oscar Wilde

Quote of the Day

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
-- Captain Ahab, Moby Dick

Quote of the Day

All generalizations are false, including this one.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"

Quote of the Day

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

Quote of the Day

echo "Hmmm...you don't have Berkeley networking in libc.a..."
echo "but the Wollongong group seems to have hacked it in."
-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution

Quote of the Day

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Quote of the Day

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

The Official God FAQ

Maritime Simulation News

The TRUE ending to “The Empire Strikes Back”

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! That's impossible!

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a pod racer... right here, baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: And get a haircut, you look like a girl!

The Real Bush Agenda

Linux on a Toshiba Satellite A45-S130

• Part I
• Part II