Quote of the Day

It's all Christianity, people. The little, stupid differences are nothing next to the big, stupid similarities.
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a flotation device.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

The town where I grew up has a zip code of EIEIO.
-- Martin Mull

Quote of the Day

You can observe a lot just by watching.
-- Yogi Berra

Quote of the Day

The Bible has been interpreted to justify such evil practices as, for example, slavery, the slaughter of prisoners of war, the sadistic murders of women believed to be witches, capital punishment for hundreds of offenses, polygamy, and cruelty to animals. It has been used to encourage belief in the grossest superstition and to discourage the free teaching of scientific truths. We must never forget that both good and evil flow from the Bible. It is therefore not above criticism.
-- Steve Allen

Quote of the Day

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words

Quote of the Day

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
-- Homer J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.
-- Number 6

Quote of the Day

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
-- Albert Einstein

Quote of the Day

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
-- Terry Pratchett

Quote of the Day

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.
-- George Orwell

Quote of the Day

Nothing can be more contrary to religion and the clergy than reason and common sense.
-- Voltaire

Quote of the Day

Church, cult. Cult, church. Big deal! So we get bored somewhere else every Sunday!
-- Bartholomew J. Simpson

Quote of the Day

A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx

Quote of the Day

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Quote of the Day

We're talking about whether any independent contractors working on the uncompleted death star were innocent victims when the rebels destroyed it.
-- Dante Hicks

Quote of the Day

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
-- Dave Barry

Quote of the Day

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
-- Stephen Wright

Quote of the Day

The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.
-- Terry Pratchett (Wyrd Sisters)

Quote of the Day

I hate people who love me. And they hate me.
-- Bender Unit 22

Quote of the Day

I do not fear death, in view of the fact that I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
-- Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke", but to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

If I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
-- Gen. Phil Sheridan

Quote of the Day

I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
-- Randal Graves

Quote of the Day

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
-- Jack Handey

Quote of the Day

What I envy most about tater tots is the way they stay young and innocent forever.
-- Stephen Colbert (via Twitter)

Quote of the Day

The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
-- Frederick Brooks, (The Mythical Man-Month)

Quote of the Day

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Quote of the Day

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.
-- Bertrand Russell

Quote of the Day

The mouth can be better engaged than with a cylinder of rank weed.
-- James Joyce